I have been going back over my entries for the last few months and noticed that just about everything is saved as Private – plenty going on I dont want anyone to share in I guess. It has become such a habit to mark stuff private, that I realise some of what was, doesn’t really need to be, so I have reassessed what I am prepared to share with the world and remarked some stuff as Public.
I mostly use this journal just for me, to try and put my thoughts into some semblance of order, and there are only three friends of mine, who know of it. I feel quite strongly that I dont want any of my thoughts blandered about for just anyone to read, and am quite particular about knowing who has access to them I guess. Some of my friends have these blogs and they appear to be totally open about everything for all and sundry to read…. I dont know how they do it…. There are a lot of people in my life who I dont want in my head at all!
Maybe I just don’t want anyone to get to know me too well…
A – Accent: Often mistaken for English when travelling
B – Breakfast Item: drugs
C – Chore you hate: Where to start
D – Dad’s Name: Graham John
E – Essential everyday items: cheese
F – Flavour ice cream: Maple/Pecan
G – Gold or Silver?: Well… gold of course
H – Hometown: Bris Vegas
I – Insomnia: Normally – not so much … but, tonight yes???
J – Job Title: Today? Kinky fish-wife, monkey-sex goddess
K – Kids: One Angel
L – Living arrangements: Married/Mortgage/Mad
M – Mum’s birthplace: Back of Toowoomba somewhere
N – Number of significant others you’ve had: At least 4
O – Overnight hospital stays: Couldn’t count
P – Phobia: Mental Incapacity
Q – Queer: Ask me again next week
R – Religious Affiliation: No thank you
S – Siblings: 2 x sisters; 1 x absent surrogate brother
T – Time you wake up: 0630… oh look in about 2.5 hours
U – Unnatural hair colours you’ve had: Blue, pink, red, dark brown
V – Vegetable you refuse to eat: Capsicum
W – Worst habit: Infidelity
X – X-rays you’ve had: Head, neck, back, blah blah blah
Y – Yummy: Guacamole
Z – Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Why do these things always make you realise that you are as boring as your neighbour?
Well this was totally predictable. Why is it we keep sending these strange things to each other? Do they really tell us anything that is of any use? I don’t know why I keep filling them out?????
I can’t sleep. Over the weekend, my stress levels seemed to have decreased considerably, even my hearing was improving. Almost as soon as I have come home though, things returned to their previous state of nastiness. I am exhausted. Exhausted about thinking about my problems over and over and over. I woke up about an hour ago and have been tossing and turning since, so I thought I had better just get up and be done with it.
It seems like everything is up in the air at the moment… Hubby’s work, my job situation, IVF is on hold – but I seem to think about it everyday…. then there is my Dad to worry about. Nothing to look forward to…
Since stepping back from IVF, I have been trying to figure out why I was so driven to have more children. Logically it doesn’t even make sense to me to continue with it the way we have. And I think it comes down to this – I love my son more than anyone. I love Hubby, but I love Angel more, and to me the love I feel for my son somehow feels more real. I have been thinking about it and am not sure that I have the capacity for love that most people seem to have (or purport to have). I love Hubby, but no more or any differently than I have loved other men in my life. I think he is aware of this too, and knows he holds me in closer affection that I do him, which is terrible really. I love a number of men in my life, the only difference being the conscious decision to make a life with Hubby, so he has him my loyalty and devotion as well. It scares me to acknowledge it, but I just don’t feel it – the arse over tit, happy ever after, romantic concept of love that popular culture propagates. I don’t think it exists.