I can’t sleep. Over the weekend, my stress levels seemed to have decreased considerably, even my hearing was improving. Almost as soon as I have come home though, things returned to their previous state of nastiness. I am exhausted. Exhausted about thinking about my problems over and over and over. I woke up about an hour ago and have been tossing and turning since, so I thought I had better just get up and be done with it.
It seems like everything is up in the air at the moment… Hubby’s work, my job situation, IVF is on hold – but I seem to think about it everyday…. then there is my Dad to worry about. Nothing to look forward to…
Since stepping back from IVF, I have been trying to figure out why I was so driven to have more children. Logically it doesn’t even make sense to me to continue with it the way we have. And I think it comes down to this – I love my son more than anyone. I love Hubby, but I love Angel more, and to me the love I feel for my son somehow feels more real. I have been thinking about it and am not sure that I have the capacity for love that most people seem to have (or purport to have). I love Hubby, but no more or any differently than I have loved other men in my life. I think he is aware of this too, and knows he holds me in closer affection that I do him, which is terrible really. I love a number of men in my life, the only difference being the conscious decision to make a life with Hubby, so he has him my loyalty and devotion as well. It scares me to acknowledge it, but I just don’t feel it – the arse over tit, happy ever after, romantic concept of love that popular culture propagates. I don’t think it exists.