My test wasn’t due until the end of the week, but nevermind, it is all done now. It doesn’t get any better than this – 3 really good looking blastocysts, and Dr IVF gave me truckloads of progesterone. I am so sick of this! I am sick and tired of feeling out of control, tired of taking all these drugs that make me feel like shit and I am really totally over the horrible feeling of disappointment that come with each negative test. I am tired of crying all the damn time – I just want something good to happen.
Why is it so easy for most women? How come I have to go through all this shit? It’s so unfair. I dont usually let myself think like this as I dont think it benefits anyone, but I can’t stand it any more! I can’t think straight and I feel like such a failure.
What am I going to do? I know I said I was going to take a break from it, but now that I am faced with that, I feel like I am suffocating. If I put it aside, I am not sure I will be able to go back to it. How can I make myself content with our little family the way it is? Why can’t I just be happy with that?
Maybe it is time to move south so we can try surrogacy. Come to think of it, why isn’t fucking surrogacy legal in Queensland?
My Dad is getting worse, each week he seems to be facing more problems. Again I have just realised that I have hardly mentioned him here, my head is always too full of IVF – it is so pervasive. I have decided to take a break from it all, should this cycle prove unsuccessful, as I feel I need to focus on my family, and my Mum in particular, she needs us around. I know I haven’t been very useful to them over the last few months. Hell, I haven’t been much help for the last couple years if truth be told. Everytime I go and see them, Dad seems worse, and I find it so upsetting that I often cry all the way home. So it is penetrating sometimes, but most of the time, I just dont seem to think about him, I feel so overwhelmed by my own problems.
Dad would hate to hear me say that I am going to halt the IVF due to his condition, but I dont know what else to do. I obviously dont have the mental energy to devote to both the IVF procedures and to being as supportive as I want to be to Mum and Dad. Dad is starting to have difficulties breathing, and I am very frightened about what will happen when he loses his ability to communicate with us. He is very uncomfortable and experiencing a lot of pain, how will he tell us what we can do to try and alleviate his pain and discomfort once his speech is gone? I almost feel that he should be in full time care now, so his nurses can get used to what he needs before he gets to the point where he can’t tell them. I can’t stand the idea of Dad stuck in a palliative care ward, unable to move, unable to talk, riddled with pain and no one knows he needs help.
I wish there was more that we could do to help. No, I wish there was something… anything we could do to help, rather than having to feel so useless watching Mum and Dad struggle through this.
I had another egg collection today, 15 eggs, which is decent, and I have my fingers crossed that most of them are good quality. I feel like I have been hit by a small truck (which is not to diminsh the pain suffered by peoples who have actually been hit by a small truck, but I have no other way to describe it!) My abdomen is inflamed and tender, and I am having trouble getting up or getting comfortable. I managed to get my favourite anaesthetist today, so that was a weight off my mind… though having said that, it is a sorry state of affairs when you have a favourite anaesthetist wouldn’t you say? The guy I had in June ‘exploded’ (his word not mine) a vein in my hand, which swelled and bruised, and was painful for about two weeks, and I think he used a sandpaper coated intubation tube! Not fun. That is the fourth time this year that I have been under a general, and I think that makes about 9 or 10 so far (can’t remember). Dr IVF is upbeat and confident as usual, I dont know how he keeps it up. He has put me on Crinone again, which I hate. After the strict medication regime for the two weeks leading up to the egg pick up, you feel like you need a bit of down time, and having to take Crinone (two a day this cycle! Urgh!) is a continuation of the invasiveness of IVF, psychologically mostly I think. And lets not mention the effect of Crinone on the sex life!
While I was in the post op ward this afternoon, there was a woman coming through who obviously had just had an embryo transfer. She looked happy and excited, and I could tell she hadn’t been doing this very long. It reminded me of my very first IUI cycle back in about Feb 2000. I was pretty excited, I had two little folicles up, and I was being sent up to the 5th floor of the Wesley to the Gyno ward to get a Profasi shot to make me ovulate, and another one of Dr IVF’s patients was showing me where to go. In the elevator, she asked me how many cycles I had done. I smiled and turned to her and said, ‘this is my first cycle’. And she laughed at me. She stood there and laughed at me. And it was a bitter kind of laugh, like she thought I was just too niaive for words. I have never forgotten that moment, and have always made an effort not to talk too much to the other women. If they are lucky, they will never know how devasting becoming a Frequent Flyer at the IVF Clinic can be. They dont need me bringing them down prematurely.
Another friend of mine has just told me that she is pregnant. And I am trying to feel happy for them… I am. But it is becoming awfully difficult to hear this sort of news, especially when it is accompanied with ‘we weren’t really planning on having another baby, it was just an accident’. An accident! The idea of it is totally inconceivable (no pun intended) to me. That makes DiamondDes, BurnieSnail, and GoddessBek all popping out TWO children in the time I have spent trying to get pregnant. My sister is going to start trying for a second child soon, and I feel like I have to prepare myself for the day when she tells me about it, so I have the right reaction to her news.
I must have done something in a past life to deserve infertility. Maybe I’ve got fucked up karma or something.
Another thing Ray sent me. Not sure I like the comparison between me and the most despised character from the Harry Potter books.