Christening today

What is more important – to satisfy a thousand desires, or to conquer just one.

I was watching ‘Samsara’ yesterday, and a monk in the film wrote this line in a letter to a man who had left the monastery for a secular life, and I have been thinking about it ever since. I realised that we have spend our lives chasing the things we desire, whether it is money and property, security for the future or even people. I don’t think I have ever thought about the concept of conquering desire, and have my whole life only ever been concerned with trying to satisfy the things that my mind or my body wants. Which is, right this minute, making me feel rather superficial or materialistic. I have thought about the concept of what my soul desires, but never came to any conclusions. I felt it to be too intangible a thing, and I have never been cognisant of what my soul truly desires. In the past, I have left this train of thought feeling somehow LESS in the soul department. But the feeling always passes, and no doubt more quickly than it should, as it is something I chose not to dwell on.

I guess I am not a particularly spiritual persion, it is all too abstract and evanescent for me, I have always been more into the concrete and the definable. From time to time, I used to think that in some ways I envied people their faith in something larger than our own fleeting and inconsequential lives. But I realise this is just not true. I don’t envy people their faith and spiritualism, it has just been something I have been telling myself (and sometimes others) to hide my total apathy, and even disdain. I couldn’t give a fuck, Jones. If I am totally honest, I recognise that I have sometimes pitied people for needing that sort of mental crutch. Particularly for the screwed version of the world people can get as a result of their faith – it is as though they don’t have enough belief in themselves, that they need the human construct of religion to bolster them through their lives. I have never desired this type of spiritualism, and as a younger person, whenever I have tried to force a sense of belief or faith onto my life, I usually just ended up feeling like a massive hypocrite.

For the last few years, what I have desired most is more children. But being denied that most fervent wish, has left me feeling impotent and frustrated. I have found myself totally unable to affect either, the outcome of the situation, or my urge to achieve this goal. The result is that the impulse to satisfy other desires has intensified. Normal restraint towards these more attainable desires is out the window. Impulse control be damned. When that which you desire most is denied, why not feed those desires you can?

But what after satisfying those desires for sex and nail polish? What next? What I most covet now is control.


I did my preg test today – another negative. I wasn’t really expecting any other outcome at this point. I think I need to try and make Dr IVF take me a bit more seriously about my reproductive immunological concerns. Not sure how to do this, he seems to be of the opinion that if we just keep trying it will work eventually. It is the ‘eventually’ that is going to kill me though. I am thinking about swapping back to TSIs, but Hubby has some concerns to going back to that. To me this would be a way of giving up IVF without totally giving up our chances of having more children. Without doing this, I dont have any chance at all, and that it totally unacceptable to me still. We used up three good blastocysts this cycle, and that leaves me two blastocysts and one good embryo in the freezer, and one possibly dodgy one from the January pick up. I think we will have one more go at it with the remaining three embryos, (but with natural luteal phase support if possible – I am sick of the Crinone) and then decide whether or not to scale back to TSIs. I think I could probably continue to do TSI cycles indefinately if needs be.

I am not even upset about this negative result, I am beginning to think that I have become so accustomed to these disappointments each month, that it doesn’t penetrate anymore.


Giving up is never easy

I am not sure what is changing in my life or in my mind, but I have been to thinking about giving up the IVF. I simply can’t stand how totally it permeates every moment of every day. I find I can’t think about anything else half the time. The Crinone is driving me to distraction, I can’t stand the stuff, and it is getting in the way of my ssex life. And I am tired, I mean really mentally exhausted, from constantly rethinking about every little thing I do each day. It is getting so frustrating, and I realise how much it has taken over my entire life.

No caffeine; No alcohol; No sex; No perfume; No painting; No pain killers; No exercise; No heat packs; No massage or physio!! NO PROBLEM!?!?!

Take your Clomid; Take your Puregon; Take your Progynova; Take your Crinone; Take your Folic Acid; Take your Elevit; Take what ever the hell they want you to take this month; Take your bloody chances – hand over your fuckin money and roll the damned dice… again.

I am over it. Totally and utterly over it.

When I go back to see Dr IVF, I think I am going to quit unless he can find a way we can do this without all the progesterone luteal phase support medication. It just never works for me the way it is supposed to anyway, and I don’t want to take Crinone any more.

But I know IVF is making me miserable, but will I regret it if I dont keep trying? I have no other option for having another child. I wish surrogacy was legal in Queensland, if it was, I probabably would have three kids by now!

I want to give up IVF. I dont want to give up on having another child.

Hurry up and wait

I had my embryo transfer this morning, and eveything went well. We had three good embryos to transfer back, two at blastocyst stage and one that was nearly at that stage. It all looked good – like every other cycle though I guess. I am determined not to think on it too much now. I dont want to be concerned unnecessarily, as I normally seem to do. There isn’t anything I can do from here anyway, just take my drugs, and wait and see.

I hate this waiting bit. It always seems interminable. My preg test date is 17/07, so I have 19 days of waiting ahead of me to get a result. A result that will need another few weeks before being confirmed that is.

I have nothing else to say right now. I am starting to feel like most of what is in my head is on these pages now, so that is a good thing – maybe this diary is working for me after all.