Since the accident, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and even doing a bit of that ‘why me’ bullshit. I know it gets you no where, but I just can’t seem to help myself at the moment. My life just seems so damn messy all the damn time. There’s always something major to worry about, and I’m so sick to death of stressing over things I can’t control – ivf, car accidents, back pain, work issues, family issues. It’s like the stress never ends, and when they start to overlap, I feel like it’s driving me around the twist.
I know some people who thrive on drama…. they seem to love it so much they’ll buy into other people’s dramas just so they can be living their days all hopped up on something important or tragic. I am NOT one of those people… I’d like nothing more than to have a stress free life and just potter quietly through this earth making little or no difference to anyone and experiencing nothing more stressful than a chipped nail.
But I don’t think I’m destined to be that lucky. I’ve had four major car accidents that have each contributed to fucking my back, and getting it unfucked took so many years last time that the idea of dealing with all that pain and never ending round of treatments is overwhelming. I just feel like I can’t take it any more. Mr K used to tell me that he thought I was so brave and strong (his words) in dealing with pain every day and just getting on with it… only now I am tired… really tired…. sick and tired of having to be strong and living with daily pain. All I want to do is curl up in a ball, stay in bed all day, cause as much trouble as I can, and have the nervous breakdown I so desperately deserve!!!
But I just don’t know how to do that.
If this page looks broken…
A) Blame Yale! 🙂
B) Try a real browser! 🙂
to be continued…..
When I wake up … in the morning light… I pull on my jeans and I feel alright… or at least I would if my back weren’t screaming blue murder at me. This morning when I got up, every sound was shrill and painful to my ears. My neck was so jammed tight, I could swear I had worn some sort of straight jacket to bed, and I had the worst headache in memory.
So I did my normal morning stumble out of bed, rooted around for my heat pack, made a cup of tea while I stood and stared at it blankly going around and around in the microwave and then glued myself to the couch until the heat seeped back into my body enough to make me feel remotely human again. Off to the physio this morning for another round of Name that Fucking Painful Muscle Group, and then back to the GP to get a referral to a muscular-skeletal specialist who they want me to visit asap…. so he can stick dirty big needles into my upper thoracic and cervical spine trigger points in a vague hope that it might cut the muscle spasm a bit.
One of frivolity yesterday… and today I am back to being preoccupied with the back pain. Not fun… just not having fun. I wanna go home!
I said yesterday that I would refrain from complaining about my back pain today and find something truly frivolous to write about. And when one thinks of the ultimate famous forum for fabulous frippery and first class frivolity… (not surprisingly)… Facebook comes to mind. Months and months ago, Macca-me-mate sent me an invite to join Facebook, and I managed to resist the temptation at that point, but as no doubt has been experienced by many internet dwellers, all good fads come to those who wait…. eventually… and I signed myself up a couple of months ago.
Some people love it, and some people hate it. It’s a bit hit and miss for me – there’s some big upsides. One of which is finding old acquaintances. So far – I’ve managed to catch up with a few old friends, one of whom I lost touch with back in 1992, and it seems a great way to keep in touch with people I’ve met overseas. So that aspect I am really enjoying. And now it’s been a few months, I’ve got a bunch of friends (that’d be a generic Canadian ‘bunch’, and the most apt collective noun I could come up with for now) and I’m keeping in touch with loads of people that I used to work with, or travelled with or went to school with – all good!
Except that I kept getting spammed with increasing regularity with heaps of emails encouraging me to….
“Add Hotness now! Answer my friend’s questions now! Throw a sheep back at my friend now! Calculate my purity score now! Send Horoscope invitations now! Accept my friend’s likeness invitation now! Challenge your movie knowledge now! Check your Funwall now! Add a growing gift now!”
And gazillion other strange little applications. Most of which you add… have a looksee… some are fun… waste a bit of time…. some are not so fun…. promptly delete 🙂 It’s all good… and it’s been even better since I figured out how to turn off all the spamming emails 🙂
So the verdict from here is : I likes the Facebook. Maybe this is due to the satisfaction one derives from being able to totally perpetrate a mass defenestration on a couple dozen of your mates… which is something you don’t get to do everyday…. absolutely worth putting up with a bit of spam! 😀
I went to the physio again today, and unexpectedly found myself undergoing a process called ‘dry needling‘. Usually when I go to the physio there’s the application of the heat packs, and some pretty painful hands on manipulation stuff… then sometimes some sort of ultrasonic thingy that was supposed to stimulate the mitochondria in your cells or some such shit…. occasionally there’d be hydrotherapy or pilates, or strapping or rubber band exercises or whatever seemed to be the trend at the time. Well now, seems the flavour this year is this ‘dry needling’ which it was stressed to me is not acupuncture, but stuffed if I could tell the difference.
Anyway, I found myself laying face down with my back full of needles, and feeling like I couldn’t move and after a few minutes I realised I didn’t have any method of getting their attention from the back room if I needed assistance. And it reminded me of an awful physio ordeal from about 16 years ago – not long after I hurt my neck originally in the first car accident back in 1991. I was getting physio at the PA Hospital … there weren’t many physiotherapists about at the time, and the hospital was where they sent me. I think it was maybe only my second or third visit to the physio, and they had put me into traction to stretch out my neck. This involved basically putting me in a chair that was anchored to the floor, strapping my wrists down to the chair to pull my shoulders down, and then placing my head in a harness that went under my chin and behind the back of my neck and attaching that harness to the ceiling and tensioning it tight. It was extremely uncomfortable and from memory I was supposed to be in this thing for about 15 minutes…. and there was a little timer in the room to say when time was up. Only the little timer went off and no one came to let me out of the God awful contraption… I tried to call out for help and kicked about to get someone’s attention, but I couldn’t talk as my jaw was clenched shut from the upward tension on the harness. It must have been another 10 or 15 minutes before anyone came to check on me, and by that time I was absolutely distraught with tears running down my face and in a lot of pain from being strung up to the ceiling for so long.
I haven’t thought about that incident in years, but it came back to me today as I lay there feeling not a little depressed, rather helpless and in plenty of pain. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this incident could have something to do with my absolute abhorrence for not being in control of my person, and my intense dislike for being physically overpowered by anyone…. even in jest.
I just can’t believe I am back on this road again, and feel like I am back to square one. It’s taken me over ten years to get my shit together to live with the pain levels that I have every day and to do my best to just manage with what I had and now I’m all stirred up again and I have no idea if it’s going to settle back down to ‘normal’. 🙁
*I’m sorry to anyone who’s actually reading this… hell… I am sick of thinking about all this pain nonsense, so I am sure anyone who’s reading this must be sick of me complaining about it too. 🙁 I promise to try and write something positively frivolous tomorrow.