10 Reasons To Avoid Reading Lists On The Internet

Lately there seems to be a veritable plethora of numbered lists going around the internet.  They’re taking over Twitter and Facebook and even LinkedIn (how bizarre!).  They are wide and varied in topic and content, but mostly tend towards the complete banal…

24 Signs You Are A Writer – buzzfeed
10 Things You Need To Know About Losing Weight – SMH
45 All Time Best Wedding PhotoBombs – HuffPost
18 Things You Need To Know About California’s Worst Drought In History -BF
28 Things You Didn’t Know About Google – news.com.au syndicated version* of:
29 Awesome Things You Didn’t Know About Google (But Should) – HuffPost
11 Times When Retail Therapy Was A Completely Valid Choice – Mamamia
8 Reasons Why You Are Wrong About Not Vaccinating Your Daughter – blogger
10 Influential People Who Never Lived – Listverse

Well, here is a list of 10 Reasons To Avoid Reading Numbered Lists on the Internet!  (Oh, the irony?!)

1.  Most of these lists are ‘click bait’ designed to sucker you into clicking through to particular websites to boost their view numbers, so that they can then use your ‘clicks’ to sucker in potential advertisers.  End result – everyone is a sucker.

2.  Many of these lists are written by wanna be journo/writers at the bottom of the food chain.  99% of it is fluff and/or complete shite.  If it wasn’t, it would be written into a decent article, by a credentialed journo with (god forbid!) references, that might be actually worth reading!

3.  Many of these lists are the equivalent of a Grade 2 Reader – complete with pretty pictures to attract and keep your attention (beware the animated .gif list!) … Do you want to continue being treated like a seven year old?  If so, keep on clicking through!

4. A good deal of the content in these lists is either appropriated, recontextualized or just plain stolen from other websites, by people either too lazy, too stupid or completely incapable of writing their own original content.

5.  These lists are literally designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator – ie: the least educated and least savvy of internet consumers. The level of banality becomes apparent with you see lists like, ‘The 20 Sexiest Ugly People‘… seriously?

6.  The recent proliferation and obvious predilection towards numbered list making, and numbered list sharing, is an unnecessary and unwanted distraction from the True and Proper Purposes of The Internets – stalking your ex, sharing LOLCats and searching for pornography.

7.  Not one of these lists, including the ‘Top 10 Celebrity Side-Boob, Cleavage and Near Misses‘, are in any way conducive to bringing world about peace, ending poverty, saving the planet/whales/white spotted owls… nor can they even help find a decent cup of coffee.  This last criteria alone renders them completely without purpose.

8.  <this space intentionally left blank… but that’s okay, none of you will notice>

9.  A growing body of research suggests that the superficial engagement and distraction of constant internet overstimulation is actually making people dumber. Lists like these are de-evolving our brain’s innate abilities for higher functions like analytical thought and reasoning.

10.  But most importantly, striking up a conversation with a desirable member of the opposite sex that starts with ‘I read a list the other day of ‘10 Reasons the Moon Landings Could Be A Hoax‘… is just about a guaranteed to stop you from getting laid.

internet listmania listverse

Okay, so maybe there are only 2 potentially valid reasons to avoid reading numbered lists on the internet… but my list, just like everyone else’s, is one or two valid or interesting points, fleshed out with crap.

Either way, the current propensity for inconsequential information being regurgitated into pithy little easily digestible lists that are then spoon fed to the masses is having an alarming effect on the delivery of more important information.  Mentioned above were ‘8 Reasons You Were Wrong Not To Vaccinate Your Daughter’ and ’18 Things You Need To Know About California’s Worst Drought In Centuries’…

These are serious topics requiring deep engagement and serious cogitation and hopefully lively and enlightened debate.  But what’s going on?  In order to get anyone to share a serious awareness raising campaign on topics such as the ramifications of global climate change, and the tragic consequences of choosing not to vaccinate children in the 21st C, these complex and sensitive issues are being distilled into stupid dot point lists!  Or else the masses won’t fucking read it!

 

*Your writing staff are getting pretty fucking lazy if they can’t even be bothered coming up with their own stupid lists anymore – and for anyone who was paying attention, you’ll notice the missing ‘Awesome Thing’ on the news.com.au version, was a tip on how to get around paywalls on news websites… huge surprise that the Murdoch press would cut that out of their syndicated list of Google Awesomeness!

Personality Quizzes for Shits and Giggles

I don’t really like the Stars stuff… Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargates, and all the rest of that crap.  Too many aliens.  My favourite show set in space is Firefly – no aliens! – and that’s mostly because of Malcolm Reynolds… the guy everyone man wants to be and every woman wants to shag.

Anyway, there’s a stilly Star Wars Personality Quiz floating around Facebook this morning and I’m just bored enough to do it and here is my result: Star Wars Personality QuizAnd I’m reading that and thinking ‘Yeah, sounds about right’.  But which one do I believe because the Harry Potter Personality Quiz in the side bar says I’m Professor Snape!

harry potter character are you quizAnd no I am so confused because the internet has never let me down before!

And they keep on coming – Which X-Man am I? Storm apparently
zimbio which xmen

Which sits weirdly with ‘Which Downton Abbey Character Am I?’  Lady Mary…?
Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 7.42.15 AM And as we all know, Lady Mary is very similar in character as The Black Widow from the ‘Which Avenger Am I’ quiz?  I am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that these quizzes are not very scientific… little bit of consistency wouldn’t go astray though.
Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 7.55.19 AMWhich goes straight to ‘Which Disney Side Kick Am I’ and ends up with this:

Screen Shot 2014-02-18 at 8.18.04 AMYeah, I can’t make head nor hide of it either.  But there is something about surveys and quizzes that makes people keep on clicking through!

 

The blow job dilemma.

Here’s something that has been bothering my, obviously completely under-occupied, mind today…

Is blow job one word or two?  Is it ‘blow job’?  Or ‘blowjob’?

Yes, such a weighty consideration for the people, (read: I need to get out more).  My browser would have me believe that it is two words… for it has given me the red underscore of misspelling on the ‘blowjob’ single word variant and has no problem whatsoever with the ‘blow job’ two word variant, which, given both words operate independently with sufficient meaning, is not surprising at all.

My iPhone is, strangely enough, agreeing with my browser… but honestly?  Can you trust an iPhone with such things – we’ve all seen Damn You Auto Correct and know that iPhones can’t be trusted with anything of the sort, let alone the correct spelling and grammar of a term like ‘blow job’.

Quick office survey came out two to one in favour of ‘blowjob’; being a singular and distinct compound word, and not comprised of two separate and individual words at all… hmmm.  Which would mean that either that token office workers in my extensive last minute poll can’t spell, (sheesh… IT guys… you’d think they’d know how to spell blow job!) or the browser and iPhone evidence is fallacious.

Hang on a minute!  Maybe it’s not a term… maybe (if the browser and iPhone are correct) it’s actually a phrase!  One needs must turn to Google in a time of information crises!

So here is what I get if I Google, ‘blowjob’ – very important, all one word, no spaces.blow job blowjob fellatio google search

And here is what I get if I Google ‘blow job’ – two words, one space, no waiting!blow job blowjob fellatio google search

Well, if it is good enough for Google, in this case, i’ll be good enough for me.  Neither a ‘blow job’ nor a ‘blowjob’ be!  Instead henceforth, be known only as…  Fellatio!

 

Occupational hazards of being a court reporter.

How do court reporters keep a straight face?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

court reporter straight face funny quotes

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Four Pics One Word

Quite a few of my friends have been playing a little game on their smartphones lately called ‘Four Pics, One Word’ (which brings up immediate and somewhat alarming correlations with the ‘Two Girls, One Cup’ thing, which is no doubt deliberate, but I digress!) and I know this to be true… because when they run out of coins they are posting their harder puzzles to Facebook and asking the hive mind for assistance!  🙂

beer scotch keg mouthwash alcohol 716

burn toast flames warning people 500

Four Pics, One Word is essentially word puzzle game – you are provided with four images that are connected in some way, along with twelve letters that create a word which relates to all four images.  Some of the visual clues are very straight forward and the answer will leap out at you straight away.

newspaper section book magazines wardrobe clothes 770

And then others tend towards the somewhat obscure and require a bit of lateral or abstract thinking to figure out the correct word.  That, or putting it aside and looking at it with fresh eyes later and you can usually figure them out as they don’t seem to get more difficult as you go along.

So you sail through a few and then actually have to look at the puzzle for a few seconds.  Personally, I find this game fairly straightforward and haven’t used the ‘coins’ you get for getting the words correct (they can be used to delete letters from the options or to purchase a letter in the word I believe).   This is probably because many moons ago I did a Bachelor of Visual Arts degree where they inflicted things like ‘Reading the Visual’ and ‘Visual Perception’ and ‘Communicating using Images’ onto us, so dissecting art, symobls or visual imagery and relating to them as concepts and words has become second natur over the years.

But what I really love about this little game is the beautiful quality the game has about it.  It’s very polished looking, the images are all professional stock photography, the letter tiles are very smooth and easy to read, and it’s a simple design and layout… it’s really just a rather pretty meadow, I guess.

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But, (and y’all knew there was a big old ‘but’ coming!) there is something that is driving me absolutely nuts about this game.  And it’s the advertisements.  They pop up about every half dozen words guessed, probably more frequently than that in all honesty and given the little word puzzle game is free, the ads are inevitable yes?  However, it’s not the actual presence of the ads that is annoying me… it’s the visual presentation of them!  Here the developers are having spending considerable time and energy creating a game that is visually quite stunning on a little handheld device only to turn around and have it frequently polluted for their users by throwing in ugly looking advertisements for other cheap and nasty looking games.  WHY?  Surely they could be putting up more targeted advertising than this?  Why something that is so incongruous with the quality of the game in which they are putting them?

four words one pic ugly advertisement candy crush

four words one pic ugly advertisement wheel deal

four words one pic ugly advertisement senior T

Urgh… the ugly keeps interrupting my little game, setting off my OCD, and making me twitch like mad!  I just know I’m going to cave and buy the Premium version of the game for the grand total of USD$1.99 just so I won’t be visually assaulted with these horrid cheap looking ads!