Gone Baby Gone

The Small Child turned to me out of the blue this afternoon and said ‘Mummy have you got a baby in your tummy again?’ I dont know where that came from, it’s been months since he bought it up, and I thought he had forgotten all about it. I was shocked, and just said ‘No, sweetie, I dont’. And quickly left the room. I went into the bathroom and was shaking and crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes before I pulled myself together. It is becoming increasingly apparent that the miscarriage that I had in a few months ago has affected me more than I acknowledged at the time. I have been trying hard to not talk about it really, which hasnt been difficult, because none of my friends or family EVER bring it up. In fact hardly anyone asked me how I was right after it happened, let alone discussing things like that now.

But all this not talking about it seems to have evolved into my avoiding how I feel about the whole thing. I have a lot of feelings of deep disappointment and frustration over the actual miscarriage, but I also seem to have a lot of anger and resentment about the way I went through it all on my own. No one was there for me that day… no one. I remember laying on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, and just quietly crying and crying, for about 2 hours or more before going in to the theatre. Nurses and theatre assistants kept trying to talk to me, and i just lay there crying, staring at the ceiling, completely ignoring them. The anaesthetist came to see me, and I answered his questions in a dazed monotone, with still tears were running down my face. Dr IVF came to see me too and he could see that I was just inconsolable as he didn’t even bother trying to say any words of comfort or reassurance.  He just held my hand for a few minutes, asked where Mr K was, and told me it would all be over soon.

Nothing about that day doesn’t hurt.

Love Lost

Another one From Ray

Name: Borys
Birthday: 11/01/72
Birthplace: Toowoomba Australia
Current Location: Brisbane Australia
Eye Color: Mostly Grey
Hair Color: Blonde
Height: 5″
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: German/English-Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today: Barefoot
Your Weakness: Guacamole, nail polish and sex
Your Fears: Dying old and alone
Your Perfect Pizza: Greek Lamb w~feta Semidried Tomatos
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: what do you mean?
Thoughts First Waking Up: Oh God my back hurts 😐
Your Best Physical Feature: Little feet
Your Bedtime: Always later than I want
Your Most Missed Memory:
Pepsi or Coke: Frozen Coke
McDonalds or Burger King: Subway
Single or Group Dates: Either
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lemon Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Hot Chocolate
Do you Smoke: Nope not for 9 yrs now
Do you Swear: Like a trooper
Do you Sing: Not so much
Do you Shower Daily: Definately
Have you Been in Love: Yes
Do you want to go to College: Been There Done That
Do you want to get Married: Ditto
Do you belive in yourself: Most of the Time
Do you get Motion Sickness: Nope
Do you think you are Attractive: I guess so
Are you a Health Freak: Nope
Do you get along with your Parents: Yep
Do you like Thunderstorms: LOVE THEM!!!
Do you play an Instrument: Nope
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yep
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yep
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yep
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Never
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yep
In the past month have you been on Stage: Nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: Yep, well sort of
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Nope
Ever been Drunk: Yep
Ever been called a Tease: Nope
Ever been Beaten up: Nope
Ever Shoplifted: Yep
How do you want to Die: at 200MPH
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Fertile
What country would you most like to Visit: Azerbaijan or failing that – Turkey
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Dark
Favourite Hair Color: Dark
Short or Long Hair: Short
Height: 6″ +
Weight: Muscular/Broard
Best Clothing Style: Casual
Number of Drugs I have taken: Can’t count ’em
Number of CDs I own: 300+
Number of Piercings: 3
Number of Tattoos: 3, Mushy, Pixie, FDL
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not doing Alan Medland


Trip away

I ran away from home a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure why, but it seemed like a very attractive idea at the time. I have been thinking a lot about whether or not to resume IVF down the track, or how can I go about reconciling myself to having just one child. I felt that in order to sort this out, I needed to exhaust all my options. So, I started researching surrogacy to see if we would be viable candidates. There is a lot of appeal in trying surrogacy, it might have presented us with the ability to have more children before IVF sends me crazy. I tried to wheedle information out of the clinics down south over the phone, but as soon as you say you are from Queensland (and they always ask), they say they can’t help you.

So I went to see a couple of doctors, one in Sydney and one in Canberra, under the pretense of recently having moved and wanting to transfer my embryos to their clinic blah, blah, blah. And the Readers Digest version of what occured is that, we would not be considered suitable for the surrogacy program beause we have a child already. Which as far as they are concerned means I have a viable chance of bearing more children as I am ony 33. Due to my young age (in fertility stakes anyway), they do not believe that we have exhausted all other options. Apparently, we could still apply to access surrogacy facilites, but it is extremely unlikely that we would be approved through the various ethics and legal committees that they require you to be vetted by.

It is all good and well for them to say that I will mostly likely have success on IVF eventually, but it is the EVENTUALLY that I am not coping with. I am tired of thinking about it, and depressed about the fact that we have stopped and I feel like we are marking time – doing nothing and as such, have no hope of achieving a result. Wasting time really.

My father in his lecture before I went away, was adamant that surrogacy would all end in a nightmare, and no matter how much I tried to tell him that I didn’t even know whether it was going to be an option that was available for us, he make it quite clear that in his opinion, I shouldn’t even be considering it, as it was fraught with emotional turmoil. My sister who seems so keen to stick her two cents in, felt that heading down this path was going to ruin my marriage, and that if I didn’t accept my little family the way it was, I was risking losing Hubby and all. Mum tries to make out like she understands what is motivating me, but I can tell that she doesn’t really get it either, but at least she isn’t making derisive commentary along the way. Why can’t they see that this is just something that I had to do. As it turns out, it has all been for naught, but at least I know that now, and am not sitting around saying ‘What if…?’