Since the accident, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and even doing a bit of that ‘why me’ bullshit. I know it gets you no where, but I just can’t seem to help myself at the moment. My life just seems so damn messy all the damn time. There’s always something major to worry about, and I’m so sick to death of stressing over things I can’t control – ivf, car accidents, back pain, work issues, family issues. It’s like the stress never ends, and when they start to overlap, I feel like it’s driving me around the twist.
I know some people who thrive on drama…. they seem to love it so much they’ll buy into other people’s dramas just so they can be living their days all hopped up on something important or tragic. I am NOT one of those people… I’d like nothing more than to have a stress free life and just potter quietly through this earth making little or no difference to anyone and experiencing nothing more stressful than a chipped nail.
But I don’t think I’m destined to be that lucky. I’ve had four major car accidents that have each contributed to fucking my back, and getting it unfucked took so many years last time that the idea of dealing with all that pain and never ending round of treatments is overwhelming. I just feel like I can’t take it any more. Mr K used to tell me that he thought I was so brave and strong (his words) in dealing with pain every day and just getting on with it… only now I am tired… really tired…. sick and tired of having to be strong and living with daily pain. All I want to do is curl up in a ball, stay in bed all day, cause as much trouble as I can, and have the nervous breakdown I so desperately deserve!!!
But I just don’t know how to do that.