Woolworths the Fresh Rude People.

Posted on April 29, 2013 by borysSNORC

So, it’s no secret that I have a bad back and with that comes lots of shitty limitations. Not the least of which is a complete inability to deal with recalcitrant shopping trolleys, which inevitably and invariably have busted arse wheels that have a mind of their own. Over the years, this has led to a deeply ingrained hatred of that most despised of pastimes… grocery shopping.

Many years were spent waiting for Qld to catch up to our southern counterparts and offer the convenience of online grocery shopping; now it’s here if I need to do a large shop I considering jumping on the laptop, avoiding the screaming children at the supermarket and the whole queueing at the checkout thing and do my big shops from home. Having said that, I’ve only used the service a few times as it’s preferable to con someone into coming and pushing a trolley for me rather than wasting the $10 on a delivery fee. And, to be honest, it kinda creeps me out a bit that when I log in with my Everyday Rewards card their system brings up a list of all my ‘favourite things’ because I might have purchased them even once over the past few months… big brother is watching and for some reason he gives a shit about what I put in my grocery shop?!? But this week the email carrying a code for 5 free deliveries ‘’5FREEDELIV’ (feel free to hammer their discount code!) was enough to encourage me to do this fortnight’s shop online.

Oh that and the cheap bacon that was this weeks special:

Ticking boxes here, checking out specials there, adding as much heavy stuff as I could… and lodged the order complete with free delivery and some 300+ frequent flyer points for my trouble. Only problem is the little man in the short shorts who just delivered the groceries unceremoniously into my kitchen dropped off a few crates worth and said ‘You seem to be missing a crate, it’s not all here’. To which I replied ‘Don’t you mean you’re missing a crate?’

Yes, it seems Woolworths Online know how to take the order, are pretty good at charging you immediately for the order, but take no responsibility for the delivery of the entire order. So he buggers off leaving me to figure out what is missing!

Bye, bye convenience of shopping online!

End up having to call the Woolworths Online Customer Services Helpdesk, get put on hold before ending up talking to an intellectual Lilliputian named Tania trying to explain that many of my items were missing and that the driver knew it before he even left! A twenty minute phone call before I manage to communicate to the slightly challenged Tania, all the 6-8 digit codes that belong to the missing items (and I’m pretty certain that I’m going to end up with some unwanted cat food and hair nets judging by her manner and apparently competence) only to be told that they can deliver these items tomorrow morning – right at the time I need to take the Small Child to school – or it’s wait for tomorrow evening!

The long and the short of it… there will be no guacamole or tacos for that matter for dinner tonight!

How to: Make a Pretentious Product Complaint.

Posted on April 4, 2013 by borysSNORC

Yesterday, a heinous tragedy did befall our heroine! The long and arduous road trip from Rowany Festival to BrisVegas is the one time each year when gobbling down on sugary confectionary, not only seems appropriate but becomes absolutely compulsory! As an integral part of the long distance travel experience, one inevitably finds oneself getting tired and lacking in energy; and whether driver or passenger, it’s important to well, you know… stay awake! For a non-caffeine consumer, this often involves copious quantities of sugar, which does indeed aid considerably in this endeavour. After years of trial and error, it has played out that Allen’s Snakes Alive provide the sugar high of choice, and have become one of our favourite road trip necessities.

Unfortunately, this year there have been mysterious and malignant forces at work at the Nestle plant where the Allen’s Snakes Alive are manufactured resulting in the following Incident that will long be etched in the memory …

Unto the manufacturers, distributors and purveyors of the most excellent Allen’s Snakes Alive does Ms Borys of Azerbaijan, send greetings and salutations. I pray you excuse the lamentous tone of this communication but I am compelled to write to inform you of our recent Great and Frightful Yellow Snake Incident.

I was excessively disappointed this long weekend when, upon delving into my favourite road trip confection, I discovered to my dismay a complete absence of yellow snakes! The yellow snake of course, being the preferred snake of Allen’s Snakes Alive connoisseurs the country over.

I duly checked the packaging to ensure that I hadn’t inadvertently chosen a product that was deliberately sans yellow snakes and found the requisite colour and flavour ingredients listed on the packaging, which further escalated confusion and increased my discombobulation and emotional disquiet.

As I watched my travel companion joyfully devour their favourite red and orange varieties (such plebeian palettes you’ve never encountered!), it required all the restraint and composure I could muster not to weep tears of sadness! As such, I immediately resolved to inform your good selves of this gross oversight which I feel must be the result of an egregious failure of what I am certain are usually very high quality control processes and expectations.

I look forward to hearing from your Snake Colour Control Subject Matter Experts regarding what might be done to prohibit such truly horrifying occurrences from scarring future snake lovers across this fine nation.

Yours in Service and Yellow Snake Adoration.
Borys

Yes, I may have spent most of the week at a Medieval festival and… Yes, I had time on my hands due to being stuck in a car. I have to say that the behemoth conglomerate that is Nestle Australia is on top of their customer service game though. Making everything from coffee and milo, to noodles and instant oats, to baby formula and dog food… they’ve got a finger in every pie and I admit I was surprised at how quickly they replied to my overly wordy errr… complaint? In fact it took them barely four hours to send the following response:

Hi Borys,

We are concerned to learn of your experience with your recent purchase of one of our products, ALLENS Snakes Alive.

Prior to packing, the lollies are sorted and blended so that the balance of varieties is fairly even. However, it would appear that the balance of assortments in the packet which was purchased was not to your liking. Although the assortment in the package was not to your particular liking, as we state on the package “Quantity of each lolly may vary.”

Thank you for reporting this matter as it allows us to investigate our consumers concerns. We apologise for this product not meeting your expectations and have arranged to post you a gift card as reimbursement through the mail.

Sincerely,

A. Grunt.
CONSUMER SERVICES ADVISER
Nutrition, Health and Wellness is at the heart of everything we do.

Naturally, we shall find out what a Nestle ‘gift card’ is in due course… but anything is better than getting a cheque in the mail for a mere $2.49 as reimbursement for the disappointing item which then has to be taken to a bank! Urgh. Well done Nestle.
UPDATE – 10th April 2013:
Seeing that I don’t really associate Allen’s Snakes Alive with the Nestlé Corporate Mothership… today I received in the mail a letter from Nestlé having completely forgotten (goldfish!) about the complaint (above) that I wrote last week. Was it really only last week? Their letter pretty much mirrored the email that they sent out last week, ‘here at Nestlé we take customer feedback very seriously; we appreciate you taking the time to let us know you were dissatisfied with your Neslté product; we hope you will continue to enjoy your favourite Nestlé products in the future; and here is a $10 Nestlé giftcard to use on any Nestle products of your choosing!’ I don’t think they could have used their company name in the letter more if they had tried, but they sent out the giftcard as promised, so yay! Go Nestlé, Babykillers and Purveyors of Many Coloured Snakes, Just Not Yellow!

The only remaining mystery in relation to the Great Yellow Snake Incident that is yet outstanding is… how on earth did anyone in their Customer Service Department take my ridiculously wordy complaint seriously at all? Not sure I would have!

I ruthlessly played the Aussie ‘Mate’ Card for fun and profit today.

Posted on February 9, 2013 by borysSNORC

How excitement! I got tickets this morning for three of the Cirque du Soleil shows that we want to see in Vegas. Given we were buying tickets for so many shows, I emailed the Las Vegas, Cirque du Soleil Customer Service team to find out if we could get some discounts or get access to a more personalized seat selections than just picking ‘Best Available’ in the online checkout systems. A lovely lady named Stephanie emailed me back and gave me some customer service phone numbers to call – here they are if anyone else happens to be looking to book Cirque tickets in Vegas in the near future:

1-800-963-9634 or 00-1-702-531-3800.
and they’re open 7 days a week from 6am-11pm PST.

So I got up stupid early to call them in mid-afternoon and spoke to a very friendly guy named Salvatore, that would be Salvatore with the sexy Latino accent. I told Salvatore which shows I wanted to see and he started off helpful choosing seats for me that weren’t in the highest price brackets ($198 per person per show was going to get pretty expensive pretty damn quick!) and we started off looking for tickets for “O” (named for being French for water / ‘eau’ apparently) which supposedly has been THE Las Vegas show ticket for several years now.

Salvatore originally found us some tickets in the front row of the first balcony for $156 each which was okay I guess… but I asked him about the lower orchestra seats availability and he said they go up to between $177 and $198… gulp. Then he said he could get me row “J” for the $156 price which sounded a bit better.

So I said (deliberately hamming it up here), “That sounds awesome, mate! I am so looking forward to going to these shows they’re the only reason we are coming to Vegas!”
He laughed and said “Mate?”
I, of course, said “Oh yeah sorry, I’m actually calling from Australia!”
“Australia?” says Salvatore “Wow, ok, let me see if I can do any better. Hang on a sec, ma’am.”.
“Call me Borys. :)”
“Hmmm… well, I can get you some tickets in Row F and the best price I can do is $138 each on those.”
“Salvatore, that’s fantastic! (slight pause) What else have you got?”

See that pink star? That’s right… that’s where we will be sitting! So we go through a similar rigmarole over the other two shows that we want to see that are operated through the MGM Las Vegas Group. Next was Ka, which is more traditional Cirque but with a variety of martial arts flavours thrown in from what I understand.

So then Salvatore did his magic with the seating plan again and he gave us a really solid discount on ticket prices again AND he put us in the SIXTH ROW centre! Go Salvatore! You’re on a roll…! See that little pink star? Yep. That’s gonna be us!

Next we moved onto the very very saucy 18+ Vegas version of Cirque du Soleil called Zumanity at the New York New York Hotel. This is supposed to be ‘the Sensual Side of Cirque’ but I have a feeling it’s the dance, acrobatics, athleticism, music and choreography of the Cirque but crossed with the some Rocky Horror style Vegas nudity, bling and smut thrown in. Definitely foresee this being a night of fun with lots of cocktails…

And by the Salvatore and I had finished our small talk about this particular show and how much fun he said it was… this is where our tickets ended up. Again at a bargain discounted price!
Woo-hoo! All up a very productive phone call to Salvatore which saved us not only nearly $400 and gave us some of the best seats in the house for each show, but also saved us from the Beatles ‘Love’ show or the Criss Angel show which are usually the only ones which aren’t sold out by the time people hit town… and all because I played up the clueless little Aussie chick thing. :S

Thanks Salvatore! You’re a gem… and I’m sorry, I still don’t like being called ‘mate’ but I’m not above using it whenever it’s going to help. Tonight, I am the Queen of Tickets!

Outdoor World!

Posted on February 4, 2013 by borysSNORC

Been looking for things to do in Las Vegas in between Cirque du Soleil shows (yes, I know, I’m obsessed) and found this cool camping, fishing, hunting store called … wait for it … Outdoor World! It looks a bit like the Qld Gun Exchange crossed with Disneyland. They look pretty much the same only this place has about 40 times the floor space, 50 times as much stock and a way funkier interior decorator!

outdoorworld16

I totally want to go here now. Not because they have heaps of cool camping gear there, because they do. Not because they have heaps of cool firearms there, because you can bet your arse they got stuff we can’t even look at over here in Australia… but because I LOVE their sense of irony. It’s the biggest fishing camping and boating store I’ve ever seen or heard of and it’s called OUTDOOR WORLD and the whole place is INDOORS! Love it!

Take that Alanis Morissette! Actual irony!

(I really shouldn’t post on this blog before my drugs wear offs. :P)

Kogan can shove it up their cloaca!

Posted on January 19, 2013 by borysSNORC

(review of dealings with Kogan)

Someone I know who may, or may not be heading off on a holiday adventure of a lifetime (squeeeeee!) thought it was time to get her priorities straight… 1) Tickets, and lots of them, 2) Decide what photographic equipment you are prepared to lug around, and then 3) Eventually investigate travel insurance.

So, naturally I’m in the process of compressing/condensing my camera gear so I’m not lugging around unnecessary lenses and stuff like that. Especially given there will be a phone (and charger), an iPad (and charger), a GPS (and charger) and a camera/s (and charger/s all going in the bag. Yes, modern travel is not as lightweight as it used to be!

I’ve done a stocktake and decided I NEED a new lens. A little research, a bit of discussion here and there and I decide upon a Canon EF 24-105mm F/4L USM lens that I believe will meet my travel needs.

Next of course comes the shopping around for the best price. Popped into the Camera House at my local Westfield shopping centre and saw it … my preciousss … for $1699. Bugger me. Sooo not paying full retail (not that I ever do). Hit the internets and find that Kogan, curse their goddamn cotton socks, have the desired lens ON SALE (aren’t those some of your favourite two words on the planet!) for one of the best prices around at a mere $749.

Yay! A slight moment’s hesitation occurs (and I meant blinkingly brief!) as I considered beg, borrowing or stealing one of these lenses from a friend for the duration before I firmly and decisively decide to place an order while the sale price lasts. Awesome… enter my Platinum Visa, long suffering and well abused bit of plastic that it is, and ta-da… within seven days I should have my new lens to play with and will be all ready for amazing photographic opportunities that are certain to arise during future travels!

But hang on 🙁 Instead of receiving an invoice number and a ‘we will send you tracking information on your purchase as soon as your item has shipped’ email… I get this:

Oh ferfucksake. Credit card verification? Who does this anymore? So I spent the next 24 hours logging into my bank account to find out how much they charged through so I can tell them the exact arbitrary figure and enable my order to be processed WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY. Yes, I know I’m not going anywhere for months… but I want my preciousss now goddammit!!! Else what is the point of shopping on line and choosing expedited shipping? 🙂

Overnight runs happen and the amount is still not showing up in my account. I send an email to Kogan saying ‘hey, this is stupid this is why I have a Platinum Visa with excellent online buyer protection so that even if the card has been stolen or misused… you don’t lose the money and neither do I’. Get a BS proforma email in return saying that the system is to make using credit cards safer and less likely to see them be the victims of fraud. FINE. Wait another day of logging into my banking sporadically to check to see if it shows up.. wait another o’night run and still nothing.

Fucking huge pain in the arse is what this is. Decide after the second day that I should maybe give Kogan a call. Okay perhaps this decision occurred before my medication had worn off for the morning and that’s never a good thing… but it’s their fault they have day light saving and can be contacted so early in the morning. But anyway to poor young Matt who answered the phone, I am moderately apologetic for the tenor of our call. It basically went thusly:

Me: What sort of chicken fucking moron came up with this system that totally negates any of the convenience obtained by shopping online by forcing their customers to continually check their bank for half a transaction and holding up order processing and subsequent delivery of their purchase? (Yes, I was having one of THOSE mornings).

Poor young Matt: It’s standard procedure for credit card purchases now to avoid fraud. Some Westpac and ANZ customers find it takes THREE to FIVE business days before the transaction will appear… (he says somewhat sheepishly).

Me: Are you fucking serious? So 3-5 days to appear in my account, then I tell you; then 7 days to process and then 3-5 more days to ship… where is the benefit in all this to the customer in shopping online, if I end up having to wait over two weeks for a purchase to arrive from Melbourne. I can get books from the UK BookDepository or gadgets from Thinkgeek in the US to my door quicker than that!

Poor young Matt: If you had checked out using PayPal you woudn’t have to go through this process.

Oh now he’s got my attention…

Me: NOWHERE on your website does it tell consumers that checking out with PayPal will expedite their transaction. NOWHERE on your website does it tell prospective credit card users that they will have to go through a verification system thus delaying their orders. NOWHERE on your website does it even mention a preferred payment option.

Poor young Matt: Well, if we did that people wouldn’t use credit cards and we wouldn’t be able to pick up fraudulent transactions.

ME: So the system is designed to attract and catch fraudulent credit card transactions? I thought you were in the business of selling electronics so why is it that you seem to be in the business of shutting down credit card fraud? Why not warn people about the verification system to STOP PEOPLE MAKING FRAUDULENT TRANSACTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE and while you’re at it CANCEL MY GODDAMN ORDER WHILE I SPEND 20 SECONDS GOING THROUGH THE CHECKOUT PROCESS AGAIN USING PAYPAL THIS TIME YOU COMPLETE IDIOTS.

Poor young Matt: Certainly Ma’am. That will speed up your order processing considerably, especially seeing the weekend could mean your banks 3-5 days will be sometime in the middle of next week.

ME: Dig up, dude.

So much for the convenience of shopping online. Best bit is that Poor Phone Support Matt couldn’t even tell me if it would re-occur if I shopped with them in the future using the same credit card because their system doesn’t store credit card information.

Bzzzt. Wrong answer. Never shopping with you fuckers again if I can help it.