The Butt Plug Door Stop

A few years ago, no need to dwell on how many exactly, a girlfriend and I were in an adult store shopping (as you do) and wandering among the shelves we saw this monstrosity:

doc johnson red boy

It was a genuine Doc Johnson (no idea who he is), Red Boy Extra Large Butt Plug aka ‘The Challenge’ – a challenge the likes of which I hope I never encounter!  Naturally, we tittered like school girls and wondered who on earth would want to attempt to use such a thing, and at 4.5″ in diameter, who on earth would actually be able to?!?  Talk about abhorrent phenomena!  OMG!

Anyway, I picked it up off the shelve and damn near put my shoulder out, it was so heavy.  I laughingly said “That’s not a butt plug, it’s a fricken door stop!” and momentarily toyed with the idea of buying one for the house, and putting it to just such a purpose.  I snapped a photo on my phone, to show the boys, and we continued on our shopping.  I got home and told Mr K that I’ve found a doorstop I wanted to buy for the foyer and he looked at it, laughed at me and said, “Ahuh, yeah right!”

And so I forgot about it… for a little while.  But several weeks later, I found myself in a bit of a weird mood and convinced my friend Yale into taking me shopping to go buy a door stop.  Now, Yale is 6’9″ tall and as such probably fits the ‘big boy’ stereotype better than most, so when we walked into the adult store and picked up the dirty big butt plug and thumped it down on the counter the chickie at the register actually looked up at HIM, with slightly widened eyes and very professionally said, “Do you need any lube with that, sir?”

Well, we just lost then and there… and emphatically, and laughingly, yelled out “NO!”.  “We’re not going to use it!” I said, and I explained to the chickie that it was destined to spend it’s life as a door stop at which point she kinda breathed out and said “OMG, we have never sold one of these and it was everything I could do to keep a straight face!”   LOL.

We took it home and encountered a disturbing and unexpected side effect of bringing such a thing into the house to be used an everyday object – The Small Child found it ‘interesting’ and played with the packaging for hours!  Vastly amusing at the time, though now he is turning into a typical preteen, he may not agree with me when he eventually finds out what this thing is!

It has become a bit of an odd fixture around here.  We once discovered The Small Child attempting to sit on the doorstop (very disconcerting) and upon enquiry, discovered he was “laying eggs… you know, like a chicken, Mom”.  On another occasion, we found my Mum dusting it, and asking bemusedly “What is this thing anyway?”… and subsequently dropping it like a tonne of bricks on being told it’s intended purpose (luckily it didn’t land on her foot or it might have been off to the ER for x-rays!)

The unusual doorstop has been quite a conversation piece around our place for years now… on the odd occasion it has even made it’s way to the dinner table when people who’ve walked right past it ask, “What door stop?”  Though how you miss it, I don’t know!  It’s enormous!IMG_2534

Now, because I am in the habit of posting about retail experiences, and I know that sooo many of you are going to want to rush out and buy your own Dr Johnson Red Boy Extra Large Doorstop, I thought I’d better find out if they are still available – and you’re in luck!  Amazon.com has them in stock, so you can order one here… and to be extra helpful to all you consumer types, I added a handy ‘Butt Plug As A Doorstop’ product review.

My first ever Amazon product review… :

How to: Save money on white goods.

I was out shopping a few weeks ago looking for a stove top for yale whose new house requires one that actually, well functions properly.  And naturally while I was there, I saw and immediately had to have a new fridge.  I am sure there is logic in there somewhere, but stuffed if I can ferret it out at the moment.

Anyway, we were at the Good Guys at Mt Gravatt, a chain known for their in the box/discount prices and I saw a fridge that would fit in the space in my kitchen just nicely (bit tight but will do the trick).  It was a Samsung 528L SRF527DSLS.  RRP on the Samsung website was $2,299.00 – which seemed a bit expensive for my liking (NEVER pay full retail, people!).  But I looked it up on the Choice website and it had great reviews, saying it was good for energy consumption, good range of temperatures available, good fluctuation (whatever that is) and good response to changes in room temperature… only let down according to the reviewers were that the controls were located on the top of the inside of the fridge door – but how often do you adjust the temperature of your fridge?

Anyway the Good Guys had it advertised as a significantly discounted price from the ridiculous Samsung RRP at – $1,649.00 (though pretty sure that didn’t include delivery), which made a good jumping off price point.

Screen Shot 2013-11-13 at 1.36.20 PM

 

I thought I’d have a hunt around for a better price.  Didn’t bother going to Hardly Normal because well, they are always more expensive than the other appliance and electronics retailers, and lately Gerry Harvey is being a complete and utter tosser in the national political arena.  And Clive Peeters seem to have fallen off the edge of the retail planet so I hit the internets and found a much better price at a company called Appliances Online – appliancesonline.com.au being $1,439.00 which included free delivery to my postcode.  Getting decidedly better… $200 less and free delivery was sounding pretty good.

Screen Shot 2013-11-13 at 1.37.11 PMNot too shabby.  Next best price I found was from Masters – the hardware guys who have opened up near us a while back and who are attempting to give Bunnings a run for their money.  Masters were advertising the same appliance for $1,547.00 with free delivery also.

Screen Shot 2013-11-13 at 1.41.29 PMBut… the best thing about the Masters mob is that they not only price match, but they have a guaranteed ‘beat any price by 10%’, including online prices.  So I had a live chat with one of their customer service representatives to ensure that when I rocked up down at the store that this would actually be the case.  And yep, sure as eggs, Masters would not only match the $1,439.00 from Appliances Onilne, but they were prepared to discount it by a further 10% bringing the price down to $1,295.10 including free delivery!  A far cry from the Samsung RRP of $2,299.00.

Now we are cooking with gas.  Just one more stop before making a decision – try the Union Shopper and see if they can beat the quoted $1,295.10.  And as it turns out… No.  No they can’t.  One of the largest buyers consortiums in the state can’t beat that price.

So, off to Masters I went.  Ordered and paid for a new fridge and arranged delivery for tomorrow… before they changed their mind!

Storm in a DD cup.

Goddammit. Another day another underwire popping out of a ridiculously expensive bra! Urgh… bra shopping is one of the most horrid chores on the planet, something to be avoided with the same fervour that is usually reserved for tax returns, dental appointments, christmas dinners and rectal exams. It’s probably not a universal experience, and I am sure some women love shopping for pretty unmentionables, but if you’ve been blessed/cursed with a rather generous bust, then chances are you know what I am talking about. So many pretty designs and colours everywhere… but if you’re busty, don’t even bother looking – you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

busty girl problems bra shopping busty girl problems bras

Bra manufacturers never make the pretties in indecent sizes. Having a bigger than usual bust, means you have two options when bra shopping: 1) go to the boutique lingerie stores and fork out somewhere between $130 and $200 per undergarment or 2) march yourself over to a department store and chose something out of their heavily engineered, load bearing and/or bullet proof range. If you’re lucky enough, you can find something in the boutique and then jump online and try to find it at a more reasonable price, but there’s no such thing as walking into a regular Bras ‘n’ Things and finding a dozen lovely options in your size once you get over a D cup.

Boobs are one of those things that can sort of ending up affecting your entire life. It’s something that those of modest bust proportions will probably never understand… no matter how often we tell them their jealousy towards their well endowed sisters is soo misplaced. You wouldn’t think that something as innocuous as boobs could be quite so troublesome? But aside from bra shopping, there are a plethora of trials and tribulations that come with being blessed/cursed with big tits.

busty girl problems other people busty girl problems padded bras

The most obvious of these, is refining the knack of getting men (and some women) to talk
directly to your face, should you have the poor judgement to be wearing anything other than a turtleneck sweater. Yes, so prolific is this phenomena, I have evidenced it from doctors, policemen, my husband’s mates, work colleagues, fellow students, complete strangers at shops or at restaurants, or at church. Why I’ve even found myself being inappropriately ogled at a funeral… and that whole thing started back when I was about 14!  Get a grip guys – they’re just tits!

Then there’s the difficulty of finding clothes that fit – especially blouses that will actually do up without gaping but don’t leave you looking like you’ve left your waist behind at the checkout counter. Or buying a dress… OMG trying to buy a dress if your top size is
bigger than your bottom size. Forget it, you will eventually end up taking home something that needs drastic alterations or something that fits you on top but not around your butt, or fits your butt and your tits are spilling out all over the place. And while on the topic of difficult to fit clothing – ever needed to borrow and item or warmth or last minute item of
clothing? Impossible! Only things I can ever borrow in a pinch, are my husbands sloppy jumpers. Sigh…
busty girl problems blouses busty girl problems clothes shopping busty girl problems borrowing
Then there’s the exercise thing. Even if it weren’t for my bad back, I used to have trouble running, jumping and climbing trees… just all that jiggling about gets so painful after a bit. No wonder I used to enjoy scuba diving (though finding a wet suit that fit was always problematic), and swimming over running of any kind.  Even sitting on a plane when it hits turbulence, or being in a carpark going over the speed bumps can cause you to grab the
girls and hang on… reminds me of an old Nissan advertisement which was designed to
tout their ‘superior’ suspension.
busty girl problems stair turbulence
Speaking of cars… does anyone else find themselves being utterly strangled by the seat
belt as it constantly slides up over your bust instead of staying politely where it should? I hate that. And for some reason it always seems worse in larger cars – Falcons, Commodores etc – must be something to do with bad seat belt placement, but
you’re either trying to push the damn thing under you boobs or it’s doing an awesome job of cutting into your neck and/or windpipe! Urgh. In fact most shoulder straps and things designed to go from shoulder to wait tend to b a pain in the arse – including roller coaster safety harnesses!
busty girl problems seatbeltsbusty girl problems shoulder straps busty girl problems suspenders

Oh, and laying down on my stomach. How I miss that! I used to be a stomach sleeper when I was young – can barely remember it to be honest. But, and I understand if there is considerable incredulity to this given my habitual pallor, I also used to be a beach bunny type who was constantly on the sand worshiping the sun… so I must have been able to lay comfortably on my stomach at some point. Not so anymore, I can tell you for certain. I can’t even get comfortable on a massage table without some towels or something to prop up my shoulders. An hour of ‘relaxing’ massage can turn into an hour of squished boob torture pretty rapidly without some creative support!

busty girl problems lying stomachThen there’s this awesome weirdness where you boobs seem to get in the way – all the fucking time. Knocking over glasses on a dining table when reaching for something. Accidentally getting them wet and sticky because you’re unintentionally leaning on a bar. Trying to paint your toenails. Hugging your knees to your chest – impossible! Downward facing dog at yoga – likely to cause immediate asphyxiation. Brushing up against strangers when they try to get past you on escalators, in shopping centres, at rock concerts or in elevators. Your concept of personal space takes on a whole new dimension when complete strangers frequently elbow you in the tit. And then there’s the awesome way you
seem to catch crumbs of food in your cleavage every time you dine, which subsequently causes you to indecorously fish the uncomfortable little fuckers out before they make themselves at home beneath your underwire and end up as annoying as a pebble in
your shoe for the rest of your day – the busty aren’t clumsier at table than anyone else, they just don’t get to politely brush these things off their laps is all!
busty girl problems clothesbusty girl problems washing up busty girl problems location

So yeah… boobs.  Whether we think we are too small or too big, most of us have a love/hate relationships with them. Personally for all the pains in the neck (literally) that being busty causes me, I wouldn’t swap them to join the Itty Bitty Titty Committee… Lord knows I need them to distract from the size of my ass!

*Who knew once I started hunting for a cute picture to accompany
my rant about how annoying 
boobs can be, thatI’d find not one,
not two, but an entire comic series dedicated to 
the shared woes of
Busty Girls the world over. 
Some of these are just fabulous and you can find
more at – Busty Girl Comics by Paige “Rampaige” 
Halsey Warren. Love ’em!

Cards Against Humanity – We Love You.

Spent a side-splitting night playing Cards Against Humanity on Sunday night and was thinking… ‘I really need to get some of these, just to play with the family on Christmas Day’.  With expansions, of course.  So I jump on their website, and even though I already knew they probably wouldn’t ship to Australia, I thought I’d look for that ever elusive internet loophole.

cards against humanity logo

So having a look through their FAQs… cleverly disguised under the section entitled: “Your Dumb Questions” and yeah, had my expectations confirmed – no shipping to Australia.  But, there was a small glimmer of hope:

cards against humanity email

So, I thought I’d give it a whirl in spite of of their warning:

cards against humanity email warning ———- Outgoing Email ———-
From: borysSNORC
Date: Tue, Oct 8, 2013 at 9:22 AM
Subject: OCD Chick Needs Proper Cards
To: CardsAgainstHumanity

Hi there,

I have the misfortune to live in an ‘inferior’ country as outlined on your website, in this case, Australia.  Yes, I know…  Anyway, as such, I do not have ready access to your excellent products through yourselves or through Amazon.

This presents a significant problem for me personally, as I have diagnosed obsessive personality traits and can not foresee any situation where home made cards would be acceptable… let alone the inevitability that would see future expansion packs printed out on inhomogenous card stock – the horror!

Naturally, this is completely unacceptable and would render my game completely unable to be played.  *twitch twitch*   Why, the very idea of it is almost as traumatizing as that time, when the powers that be, released the first two seasons of The Sopranos in cardboard boxes and then latter seasons were released in regular plastic cases necessitating the re-purchasing of the entire series!

I am therefore humbly requesting that I be allowed to order the original Cards Against Humanity party game (RRP of $25) and the First, Second and Third Expansion sets (at $10 each) and have them shipped to Australia – and, if at all possible, without an ass raping, non-lubed shipping rate!  Just this one time, I promise.

Also, I think it worth noting, that as a group of individuals that are figuratively crying out to be ridiculed, I believe the OCD community are significantly and conspicuously absent from your most excellent game, which given the propensity for absurd behaviour tics is absolutely ripe for exploitation.

Yours in date rape and child beauty pageants…

borysSNORC

cards against humanity

And low and behold, I got a reply this morning!  😀

———- Reply Email ———-
From: Cards Against Humanity
Date: Wed, Oct 9, 2013 at 2:43 AM
Subject: Re: OCD Chick Needs Proper Cards
To: borysSNORC

Hi Robyn,

Cards Against Humanity is technically only available in the US, Canada, and the UK right now . . . buuuuut since you asked so nicely, I’ll link you to our super-secret international store.
Password: yousickfucks
A few notes:
  • This is a private link. Please don’t share it!
  • You may have to pay import taxes depending on your country. You’re on your own there.
  • Shipping takes a few weeks, so please give it some time to arrive.
Thanks, and good luck!
J & the CAH

TeamTa da!  Borys’ most excellent letter writing skills, strike again.  I think I should write a consumer advice book on “How To Have Your Way With Almost Anyone”.   😀

cardsagainsthumanity