Birthday Bait and Switch

Posted on June 25, 2014 by borysSNORC

Last week, the Small Child thought he’d make himself some Mac ‘n’ Cheese. You know, the horrid microwave kind, which passes itself off as food and has very doubtful nutritional properties. It’s stupidly easy to make, full of MSG goodness and the kid loves it, (though god knows why), all you have to do is tip the sachet of macaroni into a bowl, add water, heat for three minutes on high and then stir through the pretend reconstituted cheesy stuff. Simple right?

Unless of course you miss a vital step, like oh… I don’t know – adding water.

Then what you get, instead of Mac ‘n’ Cheese, is a house full of acrid black smoke, a useless microwave with burnt plastic walls, which now is only suitable for use as a temporary garden ornament until next kerbside pick up day. I really wasn’t planning on replacing the microwave any time soon… but can not go putting fabric wheat packs in the (vaguely still functioning) machine twice a day, because they’ll end up reeking of charred acrid smoke and shortly after, so too, will the couch. Yuk.

As luck would have it, it was the Small Child’s birthday in a week or so, and I decided to teach him a lesson about forgetfulness, by telling that he was getting a new microwave for his birthday as a result of the Greatly Offensive and Injurious Mac ‘n’ Cheese Incident of 2014. I let him do the retail research and he got to put together a purchase proposal, so you know, I kindly allowed him to choose which one we needed (much to his disgust), and then we duly went out and purchased it. Poor little guy was quiet and resigned throughout, feeling equal parts guilty at destroying the old microwave and despondent at the concept that the new one was to constitute his birthday gift. We then got a week of telling him that his birthday present was all sorted but that he needed some new slippers, so he might get some of those too. Little did he know, his actual birthday present had been ordered weeks ago…

As an avid young gamer, his eight year old hand me down laptop was his most prized possession and while it was okay for some things, it wasn’t really wasn’t cutting the mustard. So we had decided it was a good time to replace and we arranged for the whole family to chip in and help us buy him a new one – one that would hopefully see him through the next four years or so. Hopefully by that time, when he needs another upgrade – he can damn well get a job and save for it himself! But it served our purposes at the moment to let him think that a shiny new microwave was all that birthday had in store for him… it significantly reduced the ‘I wants’ in the lead up to said birthday, that’s for sure.

Anyway, birthday morning rolled around and so began the unwrapping of some underwhelming decoy birthday presents that I literally pulled out of the emergency present box (everyone has one of them right?)…

Well, Happy Birthday kiddo… I think that was exactly the reaction we were hoping for…. except for that weird, “I am victorious!”, exclamation, which mostly just tells me he’s been playing way too many video games already, and doesn’t have a suitable vocabulary to express elation!

Tackiest Present Ever Competition

Posted on January 20, 2014 by borysSNORC

Do you have a friend or family member with whom you have this strange competitive thing going on, whereby you attempt to exchange the most odd/bizarre/tacky or just plain stupid present with? Or maybe you have a perpetual present that keeps being re-gifted from person to person to person… and at any given point, someone is ‘stuck’ with the stupid thing.

We have a tendency to do both thanks to a slightly off kilter sense of humour that runs in my family, and it is never so apparent as when it comes to gift giving. There was the time that Surly wrapped up a stuffed cat for the Small Child for his birthday… And the time that we took a large unwieldy and unattractive pottery ‘pod’ thing, that some well meaning friend had given my mother, and regifted it to my younger sister 250kms away, who then regifted it to BigSal who then regifted it to us, then it was regifted back to my Mum and it was supposed to be regifted to Edouardo up in Atherton, but no one every figured out how to ship the stupidly big thing! 😀 Then there was the time I spend hours search for the perfect black velvet painted Elvis for BigSal for her birthday, and somehow ended up giving her a weirdarse Sadler teapot instead!

I mean honestly, our fall back position for people who don’t hand over decent gift ideas for Christmas presents, is to frequently threaten them with a footspa! Because, well, everyone needs a footspa like a hole in the head! But I digress…

This year I was trying to find MrK a Christmas present and was absolutely 100% out of ideas, let alone decent ideas. Then I happened upon this while out shopping one day:

And I thought to myself… MrK would LOVE that! It’s exactly what has been missing in his life 😀 And of course, I would win the Single Use Appliance Christmas Present War this year with a Rollie Vertical Egg Cooker like this! Sheer brilliance! So after much deliberation (about 2mins 10 secs), I decided to give him one for Christmas – thinking it would either be awesome or end up gong back to the shop as soon as the stores re-opened.

Well, Mr K opened it and looked at me with the ‘Umm, err thanks’ of beguiled gift recipients who aren’t sure if someone is taking the piss out of them or not, familiar the world over, thanked me for the unusual gift. But then someone incredible happened… he tried it out and LOVED it. And it has then been quick and easy and no clean up Rollie Eggs for everyone ever since.

I was gobsmacked, the ridiculous half joking present had indavertently turned out to be a success . But wait… there’s more! He told everyone at work that he had bought his wife a new iPad Air for Christmas and that she had bought him a Rollie Egg Cooker. Which apparently piqued their interest (either that or he is one helluva salesman!) because suddenly everyone at his work wanted to try it out. So he was going to take his Rollie Egg cooker to work and I went ‘Meh, I will go get you another one and you can have Rollie Eggs for lunch’. I managed to pick one up and then Mr K had to spend his monrings for the following week showing everyone how to make Rollie Eggs! He had people from other divisions turning to cook vertical eggs and eventually people from different floors deciding they loved the Rollie Egg Cooker.

Sigh… guess I’ll just have to work harder on my tacky/weird present buying skills…

The Butt Plug Door Stop

Posted on January 13, 2014 by borysSNORC

A few years ago, no need to dwell on how many exactly, a girlfriend and I were in an adult store shopping (as you do) and wandering among the shelves we saw this monstrosity:

It was a genuine Doc Johnson (no idea who he is), Red Boy Extra Large Butt Plug aka ‘The Challenge’ – a challenge the likes of which I hope I never encounter! Naturally, we tittered like school girls and wondered who on earth would want to attempt to use such a thing, and at 4.5″ in diameter, who on earth would actually be able to?!? Talk about abhorrent phenomena! OMG!

Anyway, I picked it up off the shelve and damn near put my shoulder out, it was so heavy. I laughingly said “That’s not a butt plug, it’s a fricken door stop!” and momentarily toyed with the idea of buying one for the house, and putting it to just such a purpose. I snapped a photo on my phone, to show the boys, and we continued on our shopping. I got home and told Mr K that I’ve found a doorstop I wanted to buy for the foyer and he looked at it, laughed at me and said, “Ahuh, yeah right!”

And so I forgot about it… for a little while. But several weeks later, I found myself in a bit of a weird mood and convinced my friend Yale into taking me shopping to go buy a door stop. Now, Yale is 6’9″ tall and as such probably fits the ‘big boy’ stereotype better than most, so when we walked into the adult store and picked up the dirty big butt plug and thumped it down on the counter the chickie at the register actually looked up at HIM, with slightly widened eyes and very professionally said, “Do you need any lube with that, sir?”

Well, we just lost then and there… and emphatically, and laughingly, yelled out “NO!”. “We’re not going to use it!” I said, and I explained to the chickie that it was destined to spend it’s life as a door stop at which point she kinda breathed out and said “OMG, we have never sold one of these and it was everything I could do to keep a straight face!” LOL.

We took it home and encountered a disturbing and unexpected side effect of bringing such a thing into the house to be used an everyday object – The Small Child found it ‘interesting’ and played with the packaging for hours! Vastly amusing at the time, though now he is turning into a typical preteen, he may not agree with me when he eventually finds out what this thing is!

It has become a bit of an odd fixture around here. We once discovered The Small Child attempting to sit on the doorstop (very disconcerting) and upon enquiry, discovered he was “laying eggs… you know, like a chicken, Mom”. On another occasion, we found my Mum dusting it, and asking bemusedly “What is this thing anyway?”… and subsequently dropping it like a tonne of bricks on being told it’s intended purpose (luckily it didn’t land on her foot or it might have been off to the ER for x-rays!)

The unusual doorstop has been quite a conversation piece around our place for years now… on the odd occasion it has even made it’s way to the dinner table when people who’ve walked right past it ask, “What door stop?” Though how you miss it, I don’t know! It’s enormous!

Now, because I am in the habit of posting about retail experiences, and I know that sooo many of you are going to want to rush out and buy your own Dr Johnson Red Boy Extra Large Doorstop, I thought I’d better find out if they are still available – and you’re in luck! Amazon.com has them in stock, so you can order one here… and to be extra helpful to all you consumer types, I added a handy ‘Butt Plug As A Doorstop’ product review.

My first ever Amazon product review… :

How to: Save money on white goods.

Posted on November 13, 2013 by borysSNORC

I was out shopping a few weeks ago looking for a stove top for yale whose new house requires one that actually, well functions properly. And naturally while I was there, I saw and immediately had to have a new fridge. I am sure there is logic in there somewhere, but stuffed if I can ferret it out at the moment.

Anyway, we were at the Good Guys at Mt Gravatt, a chain known for their in the box/discount prices and I saw a fridge that would fit in the space in my kitchen just nicely (bit tight but will do the trick). It was a Samsung 528L SRF527DSLS. RRP on the Samsung website was $2,299.00 – which seemed a bit expensive for my liking (NEVER pay full retail, people!). But I looked it up on the Choice website and it had great reviews, saying it was good for energy consumption, good range of temperatures available, good fluctuation (whatever that is) and good response to changes in room temperature… only let down according to the reviewers were that the controls were located on the top of the inside of the fridge door – but how often do you adjust the temperature of your fridge?

Anyway the Good Guys had it advertised as a significantly discounted price from the ridiculous Samsung RRP at – $1,649.00 (though pretty sure that didn’t include delivery), which made a good jumping off price point.

I thought I’d have a hunt around for a better price. Didn’t bother going to Hardly Normal because well, they are always more expensive than the other appliance and electronics retailers, and lately Gerry Harvey is being a complete and utter tosser in the national political arena. And Clive Peeters seem to have fallen off the edge of the retail planet so I hit the internets and found a much better price at a company called Appliances Online – appliancesonline.com.au being $1,439.00 which included free delivery to my postcode. Getting decidedly better… $200 less and free delivery was sounding pretty good.

Not too shabby. Next best price I found was from Masters – the hardware guys who have opened up near us a while back and who are attempting to give Bunnings a run for their money. Masters were advertising the same appliance for $1,547.00 with free delivery also.

But… the best thing about the Masters mob is that they not only price match, but they have a guaranteed ‘beat any price by 10%’, including online prices. So I had a live chat with one of their customer service representatives to ensure that when I rocked up down at the store that this would actually be the case. And yep, sure as eggs, Masters would not only match the $1,439.00 from Appliances Onilne, but they were prepared to discount it by a further 10% bringing the price down to $1,295.10 including free delivery! A far cry from the Samsung RRP of $2,299.00.

Now we are cooking with gas. Just one more stop before making a decision – try the Union Shopper and see if they can beat the quoted $1,295.10. And as it turns out… No. No they can’t. One of the largest buyers consortiums in the state can’t beat that price.

So, off to Masters I went. Ordered and paid for a new fridge and arranged delivery for tomorrow… before they changed their mind!

Storm in a DD cup.

Posted on November 12, 2013 by borysSNORC

Goddammit. Another day another underwire popping out of a ridiculously expensive bra! Urgh… bra shopping is one of the most horrid chores on the planet, something to be avoided with the same fervour that is usually reserved for tax returns, dental appointments, christmas dinners and rectal exams. It’s probably not a universal experience, and I am sure some women love shopping for pretty unmentionables, but if you’ve been blessed/cursed with a rather generous bust, then chances are you know what I am talking about. So many pretty designs and colours everywhere… but if you’re busty, don’t even bother looking – you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Bra manufacturers never make the pretties in indecent sizes. Having a bigger than usual bust, means you have two options when bra shopping: 1) go to the boutique lingerie stores and fork out somewhere between $130 and $200 per undergarment or 2) march yourself over to a department store and chose something out of their heavily engineered, load bearing and/or bullet proof range. If you’re lucky enough, you can find something in the boutique and then jump online and try to find it at a more reasonable price, but there’s no such thing as walking into a regular Bras ‘n’ Things and finding a dozen lovely options in your size once you get over a D cup.

Boobs are one of those things that can sort of ending up affecting your entire life. It’s something that those of modest bust proportions will probably never understand… no matter how often we tell them their jealousy towards their well endowed sisters is soo misplaced. You wouldn’t think that something as innocuous as boobs could be quite so troublesome? But aside from bra shopping, there are a plethora of trials and tribulations that come with being blessed/cursed with big tits.

The most obvious of these, is refining the knack of getting men (and some women) to talk
directly to your face, should you have the poor judgement to be wearing anything other than a turtleneck sweater. Yes, so prolific is this phenomena, I have evidenced it from doctors, policemen, my husband’s mates, work colleagues, fellow students, complete strangers at shops or at restaurants, or at church. Why I’ve even found myself being inappropriately ogled at a funeral… and that whole thing started back when I was about 14! Get a grip guys – they’re just tits!

Then there’s the difficulty of finding clothes that fit – especially blouses that will actually do up without gaping but don’t leave you looking like you’ve left your waist behind at the checkout counter. Or buying a dress… OMG trying to buy a dress if your top size is
bigger than your bottom size. Forget it, you will eventually end up taking home something that needs drastic alterations or something that fits you on top but not around your butt, or fits your butt and your tits are spilling out all over the place. And while on the topic of difficult to fit clothing – ever needed to borrow and item or warmth or last minute item of
clothing? Impossible! Only things I can ever borrow in a pinch, are my husbands sloppy jumpers. Sigh…

Then there’s the exercise thing. Even if it weren’t for my bad back, I used to have trouble running, jumping and climbing trees… just all that jiggling about gets so painful after a bit. No wonder I used to enjoy scuba diving (though finding a wet suit that fit was always problematic), and swimming over running of any kind. Even sitting on a plane when it hits turbulence, or being in a carpark going over the speed bumps can cause you to grab the
girls and hang on… reminds me of an old Nissan advertisement which was designed to
tout their ‘superior’ suspension. busty girl problems stair turbulence
Speaking of cars… does anyone else find themselves being utterly strangled by the seat
belt as it constantly slides up over your bust instead of staying politely where it should? I hate that. And for some reason it always seems worse in larger cars – Falcons, Commodores etc – must be something to do with bad seat belt placement, but
you’re either trying to push the damn thing under you boobs or it’s doing an awesome job of cutting into your neck and/or windpipe! Urgh. In fact most shoulder straps and things designed to go from shoulder to wait tend to b a pain in the arse – including roller coaster safety harnesses!
busty girl problems seatbelts

Oh, and laying down on my stomach. How I miss that! I used to be a stomach sleeper when I was young – can barely remember it to be honest. But, and I understand if there is considerable incredulity to this given my habitual pallor, I also used to be a beach bunny type who was constantly on the sand worshiping the sun… so I must have been able to lay comfortably on my stomach at some point. Not so anymore, I can tell you for certain. I can’t even get comfortable on a massage table without some towels or something to prop up my shoulders. An hour of ‘relaxing’ massage can turn into an hour of squished boob torture pretty rapidly without some creative support!

busty girl problems lying stomach Then there’s this awesome weirdness where you boobs seem to get in the way – all the fucking time. Knocking over glasses on a dining table when reaching for something. Accidentally getting them wet and sticky because you’re unintentionally leaning on a bar. Trying to paint your toenails. Hugging your knees to your chest – impossible! Downward facing dog at yoga – likely to cause immediate asphyxiation. Brushing up against strangers when they try to get past you on escalators, in shopping centres, at rock concerts or in elevators. Your concept of personal space takes on a whole new dimension when complete strangers frequently elbow you in the tit. And then there’s the awesome way you
seem to catch crumbs of food in your cleavage every time you dine, which subsequently causes you to indecorously fish the uncomfortable little fuckers out before they make themselves at home beneath your underwire and end up as annoying as a pebble in
your shoe for the rest of your day – the busty aren’t clumsier at table than anyone else, they just don’t get to politely brush these things off their laps is all!
busty girl problems clothes

So yeah… boobs. Whether we think we are too small or too big, most of us have a love/hate relationships with them. Personally for all the pains in the neck (literally) that being busty causes me, I wouldn’t swap them to join the Itty Bitty Titty Committee… Lord knows I need them to distract from the size of my ass!

*Who knew once I started hunting for a cute picture to accompany
my rant about how annoying boobs can be, thatI’d find not one,
not two, but an entire comic series dedicated to the shared woes of
Busty Girls the world over. Some of these are just fabulous and you can find
more at – Busty Girl Comics by Paige “Rampaige” Halsey Warren. Love ’em!