mortified

My mother got drunk last night on champagne.  Which is not a frequent occurrence, and quite frankly doesn’t really take a lot of effort… she’s what you would call a one pot screamer.  Most of the time when she gets a little tipsy, it is not a big deal – she gets a little loud, laughs a bit more than is warranted at her own silliness and is generally a very happy, cheap drunk.

Last night however we were at a birthday party for a friend of ours whom we have known for about 20 years with all her friends and family here, none of whom had I met before.  I mean of the 40+ people moseying about, I knew three.  My Mum, the usually happy little drunken camper at some point quite late in the night went for a wander with an extremely chatty, also somewhat tipsy lady named, Gel (or something like that).  I thought it was very likely that Mum was going off tell her that smoking is a bad thing – it’s not like my Mum to go hang out with the only smoker in the room… but apparently, their exchange was nothing like that.
Gel came back to the table and said, sat down and said (and I quote), “Your Mum is amazing (very true), and she has been through so much, what with your Dad and all.  And I know all about your story too.  You’re so strong.”
My ‘story’?  An instant feeling of fight or flight rushed through my body.
Apparently in amongst telling this complete stranger about how much she misses my Dad and having a cry on her shoulder, she also told this woman about my infertility problems.  OMG. What the actual fuck?  So now I’ve got this slightly drunk stranger, who also happens to be infertile, telling me that no one really understands what that is like.  Yes, she’s correct – infertility is one of those horrid life experiences that other people don’t really ‘get’ unless they have some personal experiences with it themselves… but did I want to be talking to a complete stranger about my infertility at a party with about ten other people in the conversation – FUCK NO!
I changed the conversation as soon as I was able to and quietly fumed at my happily tipsy mother for the next half hour or so.  Mum eventually went to bed and we remained outside chatting for some hours further.  At some point Gel turned the conversation to miscarriage (Gel is a midwife… what a perverse career choice for an infertile woman?!) and she turned to me and said, “Miscarriage is another of those things that people who have never been through it totally don’t get it, but people should be allowed to grieve their miscarriages and not just shrug them off as if they were nothing… you (meaning me!) are so lucky to have been surrounded by your Mum and Dad and your sisters and husband when you had your miscarriage in New Zealand.  At least you had all that love and support when you went through that.”
WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DID YOU TELL THIS WOMAN, MOTHER?

So, now I am really pissed.  Not only has she told this woman about THE worst experience of my life, but Gel has gotten all the facts completely wrong and I’m just appalled that I am having this conversation (which I haven’t even really had with many of my nearest and dearest, most loved and trusted friends!) with total strangers at a party?!?!   I told, her that no, that was not actually correct.  That I have had the misfortune to have five miscarriages in total, but by far the worst one was the the one my mother alluded to which did not happen in New Zealand, but rather I was pregnant while in New Zealand and came home to find the foetus had failed to develop and I had to have a D&C.  And no, my Mum and Dad were not there, they were overseas.  And no, my husband was not there either because his arsehole employers actually threatened to sack him if he took the day off, and accused him of making up the miscarriage ‘story’.  And no, my sister (who was sitting right beside me as I was saying this, and had the good grace to look sheepish), was not there because she had a paediatric appointment for her own baby and was too busy with all that to be with me at the hospital.  So I spent that entire day staring at the ceiling crying, BY MYSELF, and went through the D&C surgery, BY MYSELF, and after it was over, went home to be BY MYSELF, until my husband eventually got home from work that night.

The Gel woman was just drunk enough to not hear the terseness in my voice, and misunderstood my setting the record straight for some sort of willingness to engage in the conversation further and blathered on some more about how horrible miscarriage is and what ever else… I have no idea.  I am just at this point absolutely flummoxed as to how the worst day of my life and the most deeply personal and horrid experience I have ever had to endure had turned into social chit chat between my mother and this appallingly indiscreet woman.  Needless to say I left the table very shortly after, and had a great deal of trouble falling asleep – in spite of quite a bit of alcohol, some valium and other pharmaceuticals.love-hurts

Let the sanest among us, cast the first stone.

I was sitting at the kitchen table the other day watching a TED video, as you do… and my mobile phone rings.  I glance at the screen and see that it’s my Mum calling.  So I answer the call, and say, “Hi Mum”, just like I always do… only to hear a male voice saying, “No, it’s Dad.”

*WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?*

JTFC!  This seriously and immediately did my head in, because my Dad passed away in 2007.  It was actually my father in law, who is currently visiting from Canada and staying at my Mum’s house while she is travelling… and while somewhere deep down in my logical brain I knew it couldn’t be my Dad, the distracted manner in which I answered the phone and the expectation that it would be my mother, followed by a declaration that it was my deceased father, allowed an immediate, and completely irrational, reaction that stayed with me for several hours.

It happened in just a split second – I heard the male voice and was then frantically looking around the room in confusion and my heart felt like it had leapt into my throat… I felt like I was floundering and my brain was having trouble keeping up with the enormous negative adrenaline rush that over took my body.  It was like some weird lizard brain fear/disbelief reaction that I have never experienced before.  Absolute discombobulation. Then a fleeting moment later it penetrated that the male voice had said ‘Doug’ and not ‘Dad’… and I just burst into tears.

It was a truly surreal moment.  I felt like my brain was trying to resolve some sort of unresolvable situation.  I have no way to describe it other than I ‘freaked the fuck out!’… and I am not the type of person who ‘freaks the fuck out!’ about anything.  Additionally, I most certainly do not believe in anything that would even remotely support concepts of contact and/or interactions with people who are dead.  But my brain didn’t seem to remember any of that, right there in the middle of that bizarrely intense over-emotional unreasonable moment.

I would give just about anything for a phone call with my Dad, I have so much I would want to tell him, so many things I would I want to ask him, people I would want to introduce him to.  So much has happened since he left.  You know, most days I don’t think about Dad at all, and we all just go about our lives.  But whenever I do think about him… I miss him so much it hurts.

discombobulate discombobulation

IPs in Brisbane – Our Ideal Surrogacy Journey

Posted to the surrogacy Forum this morning:

Hi all,

One of the wonderful surrogates in the FB Group suggested I write out our ‘ideal surrogacy’ journey, as this can be a way for potential gestational surrogates to connect with someone who needs exactly what they feel they have to give!  🙂

Okay, so obviously thinking in ‘ideals’ and perfect scenarios, means that everything is open to negotiation! Because if IVF and infertility teaches us anything, it is that life is rarely fair, and never deals out the ideal! So take this with a grain of salt because we totally know that nothing ever works out the way you want it to.  😛

Ideally, we would enter into a gestational surrogacy arrangement in Australia, and be able to use our own FS in Brisbane whom we know and trust; with a wonderfully generous woman who is willing to help us. Sometimes it seems like it might be ‘easier’ to go the overseas route, but we are not sure about knowingly entering into something that is clearly illegal in our state (Qld) 🙁 … we are keen to do things legally if at all possible.

Ideally, our gestational surrogate would be willing to spent some time getting to know us over the next several months… we would want to maintain a connection with the birth mother (how close that connection ends up being, would need to develop organically), in order that any child might have the opportunity to meet and know the woman who enabled them to come into this world. For example, if we met a wonderful surrogate soon, ideally, we would look at doing a transfer in Dec 2014/Jan 2105…?

Ideally, our surrogate angel will have had a child/children of her own, or through some other means, fully understands the gravity and importance of what it means to go through a pregnancy and give a gift of this magnitude to someone else, and is mentally prepared for handing over a child to the intended parents in waiting in the wings. I think this must be very difficult.

Ideally, our surrogate miracle worker would understand the limitations of the legal framework that surrounds surrogacy in Australia, and would abide by any agreements (as we would). It would be our worst nightmare to enter into a surrogacy agreement only to have that surrogate change her mind and decide to keep our child.  🙁  I think that one scares us all.

Ideally, we would want to be very involved during the pregnancy and offer as much support as we can. At the same time though, I would not want to smother our surrogate angel, so would ideally love to meet someone who is able to help us find a happy balance – someone fond of (and capable of) open, straightforward communications; someone who is able to tell us exactly what they need, and is also capable of telling us to back off if we are too attentive!  🙂

Ideally, our surrogate wonderbug would live close by so that we could offer assistance, and so that the baby could be born in a hospital local to us. Mind you, this seems unlikely somehow. So, if we found an amazing surrogate who lived far away, I’d love to be able to help them figure out their preferred birth plan at their local hospital etc.

And last but by no means least, ideally our surrogacy journey would lead us to forming a long lasting friendship with our surrogate and her partner (if she has one). I often think of my friendships as being as important as my family members and I can’t imagine going through something like this with someone and not coming out the other side with a special bond.

So that’s us thinking out loud in ‘ideals’, last night, and it probably makes not a bad jumping off point. We are not sure if it is of any use to anyone? But we are an open book … so feel free to ask us anything!  🙂

Thanks for reading.

baby_cradled_in_dad_s_hands___bic_ballpoint_pen_by_vianaarts-d4qjng6

Healthy body needed.

Wanted:  One gestational surrogate – aka an angel or a miracle worker.

  • Preferably has had children of their own and has a comprehensive understanding of what surrogacy entails.
  • Must be fairly fit and healthy and preferably had little to no trouble with their own pregnancies/childbirths.
  • Most suitable surrogates are usually between 25-37 years of age (depending on health and personal experiences).
  • Must be a non-smoker, and prepared to give up alcohol and take pre-natal vitamins for the duration.
  • Must be either single, or have the full support of their husband/partner.
  • Beneficial to have a basic understanding of the Queensland Surrogacy Act 2010 and/or ability to rapidly acquire knowledge of said act.
  • Patience, a desire to help others, and a good sense of humour essential!
  • Oh, and must be prepared to go through with this enormous undertaking, entirely out of the goodness of their heart… because any sort of compensation (tangible or perceived) is completely illegal.  🙁

As is advertising for a surrogate or surrogacy service, in any form whatsoever.  In fact, what I just wrote above is probably considered ‘technically’ illegal, or it would be if I wasn’t just thinking out loud, and it was published somewhere more serious than on my inane blog.

Mr K and I are currently looking for a surrogate to help us have another child, using one of the ten little embryos we have sitting in the freezer – the same ones that have been burning a hole in my heart every time I think about them for the last seven years.  The problem is that searching for someone, when you are legally constrained from advertising for them, is quite difficult and fraught with pitfalls.  According to the fertility specialists, you just ‘jump on those surrogacy forums and web pages, there are hundreds of women around who want to surrogate for people like you’… and when you dive into the forums, it’s true.  There are women all around the country who are prepared to be altruistic surrogates for infertile couples… but how do you find someone you can trust?  How do you build that sort of rapport and confidence in someone that you’ve just met?!?  It’s a bit of an impossible ask.

But even bigger than the issue of finding a suitable and willing surrogate who actually has our best interests (and the best interests of any potential children) at heart, is that the legal framework surrounding surrogacy in Australia is inherently flawed.  It neither protects the intended parents (IPs) nor does it protect the surrogate birth mothers.  The central tenement that the law revolves around an idealogical concept that the state will never force a woman to give up a child she has carried and nurtured… that is, if the surrogate mother changes her mind she is under no legal obligation to give the child to the intended parents, even if she has indicated it was her intent to do so, even if she has signed legal contracts to that effect, and even if she has no actual biological link to the child.  As a potential intended parent, that scares the absolute hell out of us.  That you could entrust someone with your precious little embryo, and they could grow and nurture that embryo into a beautiful little child that I never could, and then if they change their mind at any point and keep the child, and use, as the intended parents; have no legal rights over our own genetic child. 🙁

The other side of the coin – the legislation doesn’t protect the surrogate mothers very well either. This is a far less likely scenario and is a bit of a wild, pie in the sky, ‘what if’ – but In the unlikely situation that a child is born with a undetected congenital defect or suffers an extremely rare trauma during birth or any one of the number of unusual complications that can occur during pregnancy and childbirth, the intended parents can at any time refuse to accept responsibility of the child, leaving the surrogate mother, literally holding the baby – because according to the legislation, the child is legally hers until a parentage order and a re-issued birth certificate are sorted at one month of age..  So fucked up on so many levels.  I could never turn my back on my child but it turns out that some people can.  I’ve even heard of situations where childless couples have gone for surrogacy and then refused to accept their own genetic twins back, because apparently they only wanted one little miracle not two!  Yes, that is an extreme example, but there are some unconscionable nutters out there.

Which brings me back to the original topic.  If you are hoping to enter into an altruistic surrogacy arrangement with someone you have literally just met through one of these Families Through Surrogacy forums, how on earth do you ensure that all parties involved have the same goals, the same expectations and the same intentions?  How can you be sure they are going to follow through on the contracts that you’re both required to complete, when the legal framework in place is insufficient to enforce them?  It’s all good and well that clinics make all people involved go through counselling, but ultimately a handful of counselling sessions seem insufficient to ensure that an endeavour of this immensity doesn’t go south.  One counsellor I spoke with said that the best surrogacy arrangements stem from long established friends, or family members, acting as surrogates – because the people involved already have a perhaps longstanding desire to help the infertile couple.  But how do you approach someone to do something like this for you?  It’s just so huge, I think… quite literally the biggest thing you could ever do for another human being.  :/

And I thought IVF was an emotional minefield.

surrogacy legal minefield

My Poppa and World War II.

Yesterday, I went to visit my 95 year old Grandfather who has found himself in respite care for the first time.  Up until about two months ago he has been living independently up at Bribie Island but apparently he has started having chest issues and subsequent breathing problems – but when I asked him how his chest was getting along, he told me the most bizarre thing… that he’d always had chest problems on his left side ever since he ‘fell down a mountain’ in WWII when serving in Papua New Guinea.   Falling down a mountain?  Huh?

My Poppa was conscripted to serve in the Australian Army during World War II, probably in 1942, (I didn’t know he was a conscript, I always assumed he had volunteered), and he found himself enlisted into the 25th Battalion, which was largely formed of men from the Qld Darling Downs region, most of whom were present at the Battle of Milne Bay and was later assigned to ANGAU, the Australia New Guinea Administrative Unit.  Anyway, he tells me while he was assigned to the 25th Battalion, at some point they were engaged with the enemy (the Japanese Army) and he was forced over a cliff and ‘fell down a mountain’.  Leaving him in the RAP with broken ribs and a punctured lung.

Like many returned veterans, my Poppa never talks about the war much and I had only a rudimentary knowledge of his service in Papua New Guinea.  Hell, he never even really spoke to my grandmother about it, from what she said.  I knew that he had served with American troops and that at some point he had received a Military Medal for bravery – he had single handedly attacked a Japanese hut and shot two enemy soldiers before killing five more with an axe/machete, leaving his platoon outside in safety – the erroneous and watered down concepts I had, of how he came to be awarded this high distinction, are recorded here.  I was not aware that he had suffered any injuries while in the Pacific theatre, but here he is, a man I have known my entire life telling me he ‘fell down a mountain’ and had residual chest issues as a result of a puncture lung and scar tissue on that lung… so I started asking him some more questions about his time in the war in the hope that he might open up a bit.

He spoke to me for the first time about his presence at Milne Bay and how the Japanese soldiers landed on the beach appeared to be expecting very little resistance, for they knew the Australian soldiers posted there were all conscripts – in the Japanese imagination, that meant they were men who didn’t want to fight, and in their arrogance they expected to walk all over them, as the Japanese had experienced no great amount of resistance and had not suffered any defeat until this point in the war.  My Poppa told me how the volunteer Aussie soldiers referred to conscripts, like himself, as Chocos (Chocolate soldiers – a derogatory term for a soldier who looks good, but melts under pressure… a term the current Australian Army relegates to their Army Reserve).  Anyway he personally thinks the Japanese felt that the Chocos wouldn’t give them any trouble, but they were wrong, really wrong.  And were defeated at Milne Bay and forced to retreat.  He spoke about how he remembers seeing about 200 dead Japanese soldiers on the beach when the Japanese pushed inland but they were eventually forced to retreat when met with unexpected veteran Australian reinforcements.

The Battle of Milne Bay, (25 August – 7 September 1942). One of the barges used by the Japanese forces in their unsuccessful incursion.

The Battle of Milne Bay, (25 August – 7 September 1942) – one of the barges used by the Japanese forces in their unsuccessful incursion.

Throughout our visit yesterday, he said several times that the ‘Japanese soldiers did horrible, terrifying things that I just can’t tell you about’, it was obviously a coping mechanism developed over the last 70 years, maybe even necessary for his own mental preservation, to justify the things he did in the Pacific.  Even though I reassured him I had read several books detailing the war atrocities that the Japanese had committed against enemy troops in the Pacific, he was still reluctant to share details of the things he had seen.  The only specific example he was prepared to share personally, was that on one occasion they had found some of their own Signals guys wrapped up to palm trees with comms wire, and it was obviously that the Japanese soldiers had used them for live bayonet practice.  But other than this, Poppa would only say that the Japanese soldiers were very free and creative with torture – ‘it was just the way they were trained’ – and that these practices among others, would eventually be labelled as Japanese war crimes.

Centaur-ship2

The AHS Centaur with prominent red crosses on her bow and funnels.

In May of 1943, a hospital ship, the AHS Centaur, was sunk by the Japanese off the coast of Australia somewhere near Caloundra in Queensland.  The sinking of the Centaur made headlines around the world and confirmed in the minds of the allied countries, the barbarity and savagery that the Japanese were capable of – as this attack on a hosptial ship was irrefutably a crime, being an act in serious breech of the 1907 Hague Convention.  The public was outraged that a hospital ship was targeted and sunk.  Poppa said the sinking of the Centaur steeled the resolve of the soldiers he served with, and their hatred of the Japanese was solidified after that.  For Poppa personally, the sinking of the Centaur was deeply painful and personal – you see, his elder brother Harry was on the Centaur and died on May 14th, 1943 when it was sunk.  By the sounds of it, this event had an enormous impact on my Grandfather and his anger and desire for revenge on the Japanese became somewhat consuming.

canberra times centaur

work save fight avenge the nurses

When working with ANGAU, one of his primary responsibilities was reconnaissance and eradicating Japanese soldiers that were embedded throughout the mountainous jungle terrain.  He was a Sergeant by then, and had a platoon consisting of American, Australian and some Papua New Guinea natives.  I had heard the story of how he was awarded the Military Medal for attacking a hut with no regard for his life, and was told (when I was a kid) that he had malaria and thought he was dying, so he left his unit outside and attacked the hut alone.  That was not true… it was a watered down version of his actual actions while serving in this unit.  Yesterday, Poppa told me that he was so incensed by his brother’s unjust death, that he wanted to make the Japanese pay.  So he started to habitually ingress into these Japanese huts on his own.  He estimates there was at least a dozen or so huts that he attacked and usually they had only one or two occupants.  However one day he burst into a hut only to find seven men in that hut, two of which he shot and the other five he killed with a tomahawk sized axe.

I was a little shocked and struggling with incredulity.  Not to mention completely amazed he made it through the war alive at all, especially given he had acted with such a blatant disregard for his own life on not one, but on so many occasions.  I also found it incongruous with the figure of my grandfather – he was maybe 5’6″ at his prime (now barely 5’1″) and only ever maybe 60kgs dripping wet, and yet during this horrific period of his life when he was at war, here he is quietly telling me fought like some sort of viking beserker, obsessed by the idea of avenging his brother.  Soldierly bravado being what it was, his platoon eventually sought to send him to the back of their column, so that they could ‘get in on the action’.  They were especially keen to push him to the background once my Poppa was told by his American CO, that he was being commended for an American Silver Star, and an Australian Victoria Cross.  With a melancholy and yet slightly wry smile, he tells me the first time they went on patrol after he was relegated to the back of the pack, their unit was attacked that very day from the rear by Japanese soldiers, and he once more found himself in the thick of the attack.  His fellow soldiers were not too happy about that either apparently.

On another such occasion when they were moving through jungle terrain with my Poppa once more relegated to the rear of the patrol, he caught view of a Japanese soldier out of the corner of his eye appearing to be flailing his arms.  Acting on instinct and thinking a grenade had just been thrown, Poppa shot him dead, though he later reflected that he might have been trying to surrender.  He said ‘it wouldn’t matter if he was [trying to surrender], they would have shot him anyway, we weren’t taking any prisoners’ (this policy evolved due to Japanese POWs managing to kill numerous allied forces once in custody, including incidents of POWs grabbing scalpels and stabbing doctors attempting to save their lives).  Poppa told me that he checked the soldier’s pockets for intel (common practice) and found a photograph of the man’s wife and two small sons.  Having a wife and one small son at home himself, it was after this incident that Poppa decided war was ‘complete rubbish’ and he decided he wanted little more to do with fighting.  The photograph seemed to bring back some humanity and perspective, that he seemed to have lost along with his brother, Harry, when the Centaur went down.

He also told me, that after that incident, he had decided that there was no God… because surely if there was a God, he would stop them all from killing each other.  I never knew my Poppa has been an atheist most of his adult life, he kept his beliefs to himself while my grandmother oversaw us all being raised as Catholic.  The conversation transitioned fairly quickly from him sharing some of his memories to taking an unexpected philosophical bent, so I queried his logic: “Poppa, what if there is a God… but he’s just an arsehole?”  Poor Poppa.  Not used to hearing his granddaughter using such language; and through the laughing/coughing fit my question caused, he looked at me and said, ‘You know, I never thought of that.’

Anyway, having lost much of his thirst for war after the incident with the Japanese soldier and his family photograph, Poppa managed to get himself transferred to working from Port Moresby and spent the remainder of the war working to get supplies out to troops and thankfully didn’t see any more forward action.  At some point, he was summoned to meet with the US General who had command of the ANGAU troops – he thinks his name was General Close or Closte, but is unsure – ostensibly to be congratulated for his brave and heroic efforts, and to be given a pat on the back for the commendations that were being submitted for his awards.  Poppa started to laugh a little as he recounted what occurred at that meeting.  It seems that he may have inadvertently become a victim of that famous and typical, laconic Australian sense of humour – one that is still not very well understood by many Americans, and one which most definitely was not understood (or appreciated) by an uptight American Army Commanding Officers in 1943 war time Papua New Guinea.  When asked how he got along with his American troops, my grandfather jokingly told the general that ‘they’re alright blokes, but nowhere near as good as our Aussie Diggers’.  On top of that Poppa made another social faux pas and declined to stay and regale the General with tales of his exploits, he is definitely NOT the braggart type, and told the General that he had to return to his men.

Not long afterwards, my grandfather discovered his Victoria Cross commendation was downgraded (for lack of a better term) to a Military Medal commendation, and his American Silver Star commendation disappeared into the ether all together.  So it appears that the US General really did not appreciate my grandfather’s sense of humour at all!  Not that he seems to mind… in fact he seems to find it rather amusing that he had been getting plenty of ribbing from his comrades who were oddly jealous of the commendations, but then he accidentally insults their General, and then doesn’t get the awards anyway!

We spoke for several hours.  He told me of the night where he watched from the tree line of the beaches near the cargo jetty at Port Moresby as the Japanese bombed, and half sank, the MV Anshun and how they all expected the Japanese to target the nearby Hospital Ship, the TSMV Manunda, as well, such was the reputation of the Japanese Army after the sinking of the Centaur.  He related how there were sailors swimming to shore from various vessels that had been bombed, many of them yelling in Filipino, and how the Australian soldiers tried to get them to shut up, before they were shot by Americans mistaking them for Japanese.  He also mentioned that on returning to his tent that night, he found a large piece of shrapnel from the Anshun had ripped through his tent and embedded in his bunk – good thing he wasn’t in it at the time.

He spoke to me of being assigned to a machine gun patrol at some point with an American named Tom Henderson (he thinks), and how Tom would plant down his machine gun and saw through the tops of the coconut trees where the Japanese would hide… and ‘every now and then they would see one go *plop* and fall from the trees’.  Eventually Tom was shooting at some coconut trees one day and got hit by a Japanese sniper, before he could start shooting at them.

He told me of an occasion where they were moving through some jungle terrain and the guy walking right beside him was shot in the head.  It could just as easily have been him, and he often wondered why it wasn’t, especially considering that he was wearing a very noticeable slouch hat and had rank on his sleeves compared to the other guy.  Another incident that convinced him that there is no God and life is just random.

All up, I learned more about my grandfather in one day than I had in the preceding 30 years.  His experiences touched me profoundly, but not as much as the trust he showed in allowing me to be the first person he has spoken to about these things in over 70 years.