Gone Baby Gone

The Small Child turned to me out of the blue this afternoon and said ‘Mummy have you got a baby in your tummy again?’ I dont know where that came from, it’s been months since he bought it up, and I thought he had forgotten all about it. I was shocked, and just said ‘No, sweetie, I dont’. And quickly left the room. I went into the bathroom and was shaking and crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes before I pulled myself together. It is becoming increasingly apparent that the miscarriage that I had in a few months ago has affected me more than I acknowledged at the time. I have been trying hard to not talk about it really, which hasnt been difficult, because none of my friends or family EVER bring it up. In fact hardly anyone asked me how I was right after it happened, let alone discussing things like that now.

But all this not talking about it seems to have evolved into my avoiding how I feel about the whole thing. I have a lot of feelings of deep disappointment and frustration over the actual miscarriage, but I also seem to have a lot of anger and resentment about the way I went through it all on my own. No one was there for me that day… no one. I remember laying on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, and just quietly crying and crying, for about 2 hours or more before going in to the theatre. Nurses and theatre assistants kept trying to talk to me, and i just lay there crying, staring at the ceiling, completely ignoring them. The anaesthetist came to see me, and I answered his questions in a dazed monotone, with still tears were running down my face. Dr IVF came to see me too and he could see that I was just inconsolable as he didn’t even bother trying to say any words of comfort or reassurance.  He just held my hand for a few minutes, asked where Mr K was, and told me it would all be over soon.

Nothing about that day doesn’t hurt.

Love Lost

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