Happy pills my arse.

Posted on February 17, 2008 by borysSNORC

Why is it that some pills come in bottles and others come in those funny plastic and foil ‘blister’ packs? I hate those fucking blister pack things. You’ve gotta use your fingernail to pop the tablet out through the foil and if pill is actually some stupid little gel capsule like Tramal then half the time the amount of pressure needed to pop the tablet out will smoosh the damn capsule. One other time I had a pill that was in a blister pack that was so hard to pop out that the bloody tablet was crushed to pieces by the time you got it out and I found myself trying to use as Swiss Army knife to cut them damn things out rather than pulverize the stupid little things (is a fine statement of my state of mind that I can’t remember what those pills were).

Why can’t we just get all our prescriptions dispensed in nice polite little bottles… preferably with child proof caps but no so child proof as to also be non-age-specific-diminished-grip-strength proof as well. There’s something infinitely more sensible about being able to shake the requisite number of required pills out of a clearly marked bottle onto one’s palm compared to fighting with a stupid blister pack for ten minutes hoping it’ll surrender it’s contents undamaged.

“Oh Bugger” said Pooh

Posted on February 16, 2008 by borysSNORC

And the pain, pain, pain comes down, down, down
such crushing dreadful feelings
And the pain sweeps all right through my spine
and creeps into my dreamings

Poor Borys she was frightened
And in quite a rightful plight
And so in desperation
More tablets she did bite
She crawled into the bottles
and they drugged her out of sight

And the pain, pain, pain comes down, down, down
As Borys started flailing
She was unaware o’er top her prayer
While flailing she was failing

And the pain, pain, pain comes down down down
And the aches and spasms are fuckers
Borys was caught and so she thought
I must rescue my uppers

Ten pain killers she rescued
Enough to see her through
But as she downs her tablets
the worse the pain just grew…

And the pills just twirl and toss her, making brains all full of goo.

And the pain, pain, pain comes down, down down…..
and it seems never ending.

Seig heil VoerkCova Nazi!

Posted on February 15, 2008 by borysSNORC

I’ve had a pretty miserable day today. The Workcover people are arranging for me to go to the Pain Management Clinic at the Wesley, but they want me to go like next week. Now I am desperately keen to go do this program and it was me being proactive that got me onto it to start with but it’s damn near impossible for me to get my ducks in a row that quickly.

I am currently unable to drive in the morning due to side effects of the nightly medications – and the pain clinic starts at 07:30. Additionally, there’s no spaces available at after school are for the Small Child and with the Clinic finishing at 15.30 each day I wouldn’t get there until well after 16.00. The Workcover Nazi (mka a Case Manager) is treating me like I’m trying to skive out of participating even though it was my idea to go to this clinic in the first place!

So I found myself beating a path to the GP to try and rework my medications so I could drive in the mornings. But that was ultimately a bit pointless because i’ve already been trying to mess with the doses to see if I i could diminish the nasty side effects. Unfortunately the only thing that seems to allow for safe driving in the morning and preferably having some semblance of being compos mentis is to go without the medications all together. Going without the drugs though means that basically I won’t get any sleep at all and then wake up with ridiculously severe pain from not taking themuscle relaxants etc.

The Workcover Nazi said I could get taxi vouchers, but that isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t get any one to pick up the Small Child after school and not even the WorkCover people can pull child care places out of their butts. I just wish they weren’t so damn heavy handed. I don’t understand why they’re so adamant that I start immediately, when I could do it in a couple of weeks time when I’ve arranged for a bit more support. They’re being so pushy and I have no idea why.

Then on the drive on the way home from the GP I had someone pull out into the traffic in front of me when there wasn’t much of a gap. I’ve been paranoid on the road like you wouldn’t believe since the last car accident and little things like this have happened a few times and it just sends me into a tailspin. I had to pull over and I was crying uncontrollably, knuckles white on the steering wheel, feeling like I couldn’t breathe and just a feeling of rising panic … I just wanted to close my eyes and make the world go away.

All up – not my best day and I will still have to get back onto the WorkCover people on Monday and try to talk some reason to them about the lack of after school care.
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Dry your eyes Dorothy.

Posted on February 13, 2008 by borysSNORC

Years ago, probably about ’94 or ’95, not long after my third car accident, I was having a lot of difficulty with constant pain – not as bad as it is now, but constantly present none the less. I was going through what they call Adjustment to Injury Counseling – which is a euphemism for ‘Suck it up Princess this is your life now – get used to it’ therapy. Psycho-babbling bullshit is what it is. With or without the trick cyclists, one thing I have learned about chronic pain… is that it turns you into a monumental pain in the arse and before too long you’re no longer the person you want to be and anyone who held you in any esteem whatsoever eventually starts to avoid you because either…

A) you’re a miserable complaining bag of pain bones and no fun to be around…
B) pain makes you really short tempered and your tolerance for ‘people’ is seriously diminished…
C) you can’t go scuba diving/water skiing/abseiling/bush walking anymore and people stop inviting you
or D) any combination of the above.

The result of course is that you eventually find out who your friends are… they need not necessarily be your ‘real’ friends per se, perhaps they’re just your more tolerant friends?!?! I dunno. What I do know is that most people started avoiding me… no doubt in some large part due to my avoiding them. Happy pain free people have this amazing way of pissing you off with their sympathy. I know it sounds stupid – but you just don’t really want sympathy from people who have absolutely zero understanding of what it’s like to be constantly in pain – it just starts to sound insincere at some point….. or maybe I just don’t want to be pitied. I dunno.

Anyway, I worked hard…. really fucking hard to change the things in my life that I could in order to overcome the daily issues that a ’10-15% residual incapacity of spinal function’ (PI lawyers are scum… scratch that – most lawyers are scum) left me with. Quit my job, traveled, went back to uni, made and just learned to live with what I’d be dealt. Stuck on my bedroom mirror these last 6 or 7 years at least has been a quote :

and I believed in that for years. Every day I would read that damned quote stuck to my mirror and remind myself that I should just try my hardest to ignore the back pain bullshit. I tried hard not to think too much how pain impacted on my daily life, and I deliberately distracted myself from the inevitable frustrations caused by the limitations back pain presents and I worked exhaustively not to let on to the people around me just how bad it was. I mean there was a lot of energy expended in literally grinning and bearing it. I hid behind wearing bright coloured clothing – people don’t notice the expression behind your eyes when they’re blinded by candy pink tops. I discovered that a low cut decolletage and a pair of DDs were equally effective in distracting certain company and most of the time I just kept my shit to myself…. and most of the time it worked. Mr K could always see through me, and for some reason Dr IVF used to see through it too (though I don’t know how/why) Sometimes it got on top of me – usually when I was overly tired or stressed.

Problem at the moment is… the pain is now much, much worse and my normal coping mechanisms ain’t cutting the mustard. So now I see the quote and I think – Voltaire’s a fucking wanker who doesn’t know shit from Shinola (what the hell is Shinola ???) Cos it don’t matter how much or how much or how little I ‘dwell’ on my misfortunes…. they’re right there following me around every minute of every day anyway. Following me around and fucking me over.
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Mamma said there’d be days like this…

Posted on February 12, 2008 by borysSNORC

I don’t want to get in the habit of posting random Youtube videos because it starts to make me feel like I’ve got nothing in my head and nothing to say when the truth of the matter is quite the opposite.

But there’s only so many days you can complain about mind numbing, soul destroying pain before you’re sick of the sound of your own voice.
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gay bar magritte hamster

Love isn’t gay love without a Magritte and a hamster.
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