This blog is Rated (R) for your convenience.

Posted on December 16, 2012 by borysSNORC

I have long suspected it… Ever since I found myself in various Turkish internet cafe’s back in 2007 and I couldn’t access my blog to update my travels. One place it came up with a (in Turkish) “Are you over 18?” type message before letting me sign in and a couple of other places it blocked me entirely with an indecipherable pop-up box. Slightly embarrassing the first time that happened and I had to ask the spotty little Turkish geek in the front desk what was wrong with the terminal I was using and he came to the machine, looked over my shoulder and said very loudly “NOT LOOKING FOR PORNOGRAPHY ALLOWED”.

Okay, so some of the language and terms on my site must have set off the stringent Turkish filters. I found ways around it and managed to update my travels one way or another. But I guess it’s official now:

The Queensland State Government has, in it’s infinite wisdom, deemed my blog to be Classified as : PORN. I’m not quite sure how that happens given the decided lack of nudity, any explicit imagery or as Neil would put it ‘abhorrent phenomena’ of any kind. There might be plenty of references to various paraphilias, lots of adult content and language not suitable for some viewers, a bit of ‘smut’ maybe… but for the most part, I hardly think it warrants being labeled ‘pornography’.

Right, well. There’s only one way to deal with this… there must be some high ranking government official who would like a letter about the blatant injustice evident in the unnecessary and unwarranted censoring of my blog being accessed from government computers! 😉

American Tragedy

Posted on December 16, 2012 by borysSNORC

On a day that shocks the world, and every politician, public figure and celebrity is mourning with the families and friends of the little children killed in Sandy Hook Connecticut, your favourite ditz and mine, has bigger things on her mind.

While most of the mainstream and social media worlds were engaged in expressing shock and sympathy for the families effected by this horrible tragedy, Dita von Ditz felt it important to share with the world that she was going to be late to her perfume launch because her cat sat on her frock.

It’s not a good thing, being up close and personal with the people we used to enjoy or admire. Even Nathan Fillion, who I always thought was just so damn cool, suffers for being able to have direct contact with the public without his press people standing by to call ‘no more questions today thanks’.

I guess if they were rocket scientists they wouldn’t be acting/stripping now would they?

Top Five Worst Movies Ever

Posted on December 14, 2012 by borysSNORC

This week, I saw what must be without a doubt the worst movie I have ever had the misfortune to sit through in my entire adult life. No wait, I watched Breaking The Waves many years ago, so that would make this the second worst movie I have ever seen. Ummm, hang on a minute, there was that Idiocracy shit so that makes this the third worst movie I’ve actually made it through (Sin City and the second Matrix film don’t count because I fell asleep at the cinema).

I went to see … entirely unwarranted drumroll… The Man With The Iron Fists. Why you might ask? Well, that’s a good question, and one I have absolutely no good answer for. Shits and giggles I guess. And ultimately this cinematic drivel gave me what I paid for – it totally gave me the shits and very few giggles.

First the things I liked about it (because well, that will be sooo much quicker)

The Pink Blossom whorehouse was very tastefully decorated for a Chinese brothel with lush interior and visually stunning cherry blossom trees everywhere, and tack-o-rama themed ‘customer service suites’.

Lucy Lui who played the Madam of the Pink Blossom – she was cunning and manipulative, whilst initially maintaining an air of control and artlessness. She had a fabulous wardrobe, some very cool fight scenes and she died with dignity and aplomb (wouldn’t normally mention who karks it but this is the sort of film where you can safely assume 80% of the cast is going to get dead – It was one of those ‘Tarrantino Presents’ films after all even though he had nothing to do with making the film from what I understand).

Ummm… The weather in those parts seemed lovely for that time of year and the Emperor had nice clothes. Yep that’s abut it.

Everything else about this ridiculous film was complete utter crap and probably very expensive complete utter crap.

The plot was non-existent… steal the gold, kill the bad guys.

The narrative (and I’m reluctant to use the term) was rushed and half arsed, a ten dollar story shoved into a two dollar book.

Every single one of the characters were two dimensional, lacking in any personality with which the audience could identify with. Even Russell Crowe couldn’t do anything inspiring with his character Jack Knife (titter, titter, oh so witty) not even with the added eye candy of a bevy of whores and a score of bad habits. :S

And the lead character, the so called Man with the Iron Fists (aka ‘the Blacksmith’ played by director RZA) I’ve heard described as so laid back he’s downright narcoleptic which seems entirely apt! Mind you he did have some ‘fuck off!’ amazing powers of recuperation!

The fight scenes were thick and fast and yet also in slo-mo so you didn’t miss the really groovy unrealistic special effects bits… but the marital arts fan boy sitting in the row in front of me was derisively laughing his arse off so that’s rather telling.

Even the bloody/gory element that you really expect in this sort of movie somehow missed the mark and I don’t think I really cringed even once. It was just so highly theatrical and it was like, fake, fake, fake, fake.

All up it was licking all the flavour off a corn chip then giving it to someone else… all flash and no substance.

Neighbourhood Watch Continues… Distance: Satisfactory.

Posted on December 14, 2012 by borysSNORC

Just keeping an eye out on the miscreants from next door to make sure they’re still 3000kms away. Which thankfully, they are. Though I get the impression that what was looking like an impending reunion of likeminded soul mates hasn’t occurred. Oh, so sad to see their relationship troubles continue.

But when t comes to being alone with your kid and a long way from his mother and the woman who is ‘the priceless possession I have in my life’ who ‘is nothing less than our beautiful princess’… nothing quite cheers you up like driving your brand new car (which you skited Centrelink paid) for through tonnes of mud at speed, no doubt with your toddler on board. Unless of course little DYC Jnr was taking the photos 😐

Damn skippy moving from Queensland was the best thing you ever did! I’ll drink to that! Huzzzah. So glad to see you are still far, far away. And more power to you if you’re using that poor unfortunate child to strike up conversations with unsuspecting women… I’m sure any with half a brain will see through you soon enough.

Yes, this is the reaction I normally have to when I run into the country’s fine upstanding constabulary who are charged with keeping the populace safe from the deadshits out there intent on destroying the peace. The presence of police in a public place makes me feel safe and comfortable… for this jerk, it’s a sign to high tail it out of the there before they start to harass him or notice he’s a natural born trouble maker. :S Wanker.

I know they were gobbing off about expecting an inheritance ‘any day now’ in court because his Mum died but his sister contested the will and as soon as the money came through they were going to move out of Brisbane because they hated Brisbane (with it’s cheap rent and very annoying neighbours). But please tell me that he didn’t inherit THIS sort of money? OMG. I hope he just saw this on the side of a street somewhere and didn’t buy it or have a family member who did. Imagine that. No permanent address and buying something like this… you know, I consider this guy to be just judgement impaired enough to think that buying a really fancy car is a great idea. He’s the sort of person who would do it too without finding out how much it costs to insure or maintain first…

I assume he means psychologist, but you can’t expect someone whose vocabulary is about 80% swear words to know how to spell a big confusing word like psychologist… especially not when it’s probably printed on a door in front of him or anything. The ‘forensic’ bit is intriguing.

fo·ren·sic: /fəˈrenzik/ – Adjective

Of, relating to, or denoting the application of scientific methods and techniques to the investigation of crime: “forensic evidence”.

Makes me wonder what he’s gone and done now!

What did you expect, an exploding pen?

Posted on December 12, 2012 by borysSNORC

Dum, di, dum, dum. Dum, dum di, dum di dum dum…

Any movie that opens with a motorcycle chase across the roof tops of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul is okay with me. Went to see Skyfall (again… yep went back for a second viewing) last night and was struck by the gorgeous locations all over again. I mean we know Bond is going to beat the shit out of the bad guys, blow things up, screw the beautiful women, destroy another Aston Martin and shoot stuff up with that pedestrian little Walther he insists on carrying… but kudos to his travel agent over the years! Istanbul, Venice, Thailand, Jamaica, Iceland etc,. So many fabulous locations.

Do you and your friends do that thing at the cinema where you find yourself saying to your companions “I’ve been there!” when some exotic locale pops up on the screen? Myself and BigSal have been apparently insufferable doing this after a few trips through Europe over the years. And Mr K insists on dropping a “I’ve been there” every time a film or TV show is set in New York or Washington now… which is just about every second fucking thing committed to film! Just realized that must be a really boring game for New Yorkers, with every other film set in New York and all. I swear aliens will land on the Earth (long after we’ve destroyed it, thanks to climate change denial, of course), find our film archives and think there were only three noteworthy cities on the entire planet – New York, Washington and Los Angeles. How sad is that? But anyway I digress…

I have to say, I think Daniel Craig may well be my favourite Bond ever. He’s moved from being this impeccably dressed Cold War spy who rarely gets a bruise and orders his pretentious watered down martinis, to something a lot less Inspector Gadget and a bit more Jason Bourne. He gets shot, bleeds occasionally, falls down, makes mistakes and oh my gawd, even gets dirt on his tux when thrown into a pit with a komodo dragon.

Sam Mendes is an awesome director and his American Beauty style is quite evident in Skyfall… one particular visually dramatic fight scene has Sam Mendes’ name written all over it. Bond and one of his current nemesis’ henchmen were beating the shit out of each other, but I was just mesmerised by the unusual light show on display in the background.

I wasn’t much fussed on Javier Bardem as Silva, The Bad Guy. Which is really odd considering that he is usually makes a quintessential bad guy… probably something to do with the dreadful peroxide blonde hair do they gave him and the strangely out of place sexual overtures that he made towards Bond during an interrogative scene which sees Bond’s usually unflappable demeanour seem to slip slightly. 🙂

I also love the new Q. He’s perfect for the job in the new millennia. Seemingly highly educated, tech savvy, ridiculously young and with that slightly socially inept, dry internet sense of humour we’ve all come to love and loathe from the geeks in our lives, He is played by Ben Wishaw and there’s a nice interplay between Q and Bond as the young whippersnapper vs the cold war dinosaur.

The other thing I love about the Bond movies are the Bond women… M, of course is the inimitable Judi Dench, Moneypenny is a bit forgettable in my book and then there’s the ones whose names we barely learn but who Bond beds quicker than you can say ‘who’s your Daddy?’. Always absolutely stunningly beautiful women with their air of danger and/or vulnerability about them. Bérénice-Marlohe is Sévérine, Silva’s long kept mistress/prisoner whose tragic history finds Bond’s soft sport and tugs at the heartstrings of the ruggedly handsome old spy in this film.

All up, Skyfall is a great Bond film and I enjoyed it more second time round… I think the Bond franchise is getting better and better.

My only question is – what colour is her nail polish? 🙂

********************************************************

EDIT: After THIRD viewing… Warning: Small Spoilers!

Let me make this clear, I took the Moderately Sized Child to go see this today, not because I thought it was such a great film, not because I wanted to see it for a third time, not because I felt it was something he had to see… but rather because it’s 35 degrees out and our air con is on the fritz and it’s TightArse Tuesday so tickets cost us only $5 each to go get out of the heat in the middle of the day. But now I have seen it for the third time I have a few more questions than just a vague curiosity about Severine’s nailpolish!

How does ‘M’ use Bond’s Walther (the only handgun they had) at the Skyfall manor when it is supposed to be ‘imprinted’ with Bond’s own palm print?

Speaking of the Walther, why does Q insist on giving him such a stupid little gun when he’s up against guys with TEC-9 semi-auto machine guns with up to 50-72 rounds in the mag?

And speaking of Q, who is supposed to be the best, up and coming bright young thing that MI6 has to offer – what the fuck was he thinking when he plugged Silva’s computer into their ‘secure’ system?

And lastly, how come every time there was a long sweeping landscape shot across the Scottish moors, I kept expecting to see Kate Bush in a horrific red dress, with a bad perm, doing a bizarre late 70s interpretative dance to ‘Wuthering Heights’?