Puppy Mill Puppy: Update

Posted on August 30, 2013 by borysSNORC

One of my favourite words in the English language is ‘defenestrate / defenestration / defenestrating’… the act of throwing a thing, especially a person, out of a window! Latin – ‘de’ meaning ‘from’; ‘fenestr’ meaning ‘a window’ – awesome word, fabulously vivid concept. But I’ve no sooner started writing and already and I’ve digressed from my purpose, because all I was wondering is if there is an equally vibrant word to describe the ‘coming out of one’s shell’? Because that is what we are seeing here with out little foster charge, Alaska.

And my, oh my, is it an extremely slow coming out of one’s shell that we are watching. She’s progressing at about the same rate as the pitch drop experiment at UQ I reckon. Which is why I’ve been keeping notes… this way if I notice the little things, they look like leaps and bounds when we refer back to how she was at the beginning.

Friday, August 23rd 2013 at 9:43pm
Alaska has had a good couple of days, it’s been a week since we had any snappish behaviour from her and she stole one of my shoes and took it off to her crate with her! I know it sounds like no big deal (and even something that you might normally get cross with a puppy about), but it meant that she had come out of the bathroom, gone down the hallway (about 5m), crossed the kitchen (another 6m), traversed the lounge room (a huge 7m of open space), past the entry hall (2m more) and into the master bedroom to find a shoe and steal away with it back to the bathroom! Huge day of exploring for the gorgeous little girl. I was so proud that she had ventured out of her comfort zone (read: crate) and gone looking for treasures to take back with her. We have since seen many socks end up in the crate too. Yay for Alaska! Sally forth and explore little miss, there’s no need to be so shy!

Sunday, August 25th 2013 at 11:20pm
I’ve been away all weekend on a course, so Alaska has been hanging out with Mr K and the Small Child. She’s had a relaxing time hanging out in the study at Mr K’s feet and sitting on a pillow in the sun, and just hanging out with boys. She’s getting less and less frightening of everyone and, while she is still flinching at our hands, she is getting used to being picked up and handled. She and Dixie are forming an uneasy friendship. Dixie is getting used to the fact that she isn’t missing out on treats that Alaska gets, that they are evenly shared out and Alaska is less frightened when Dixie gets exuberant and wants to play. Big kudos all round for moose and squirrel… (terrier and terrier sounded kinda boring).

Tuesday, August 27th 2013 at 6:30pm
The gorgeous little girl has been coming out of her room to investigate the yummy smells at dinner time when I’m in the kitchen. For her efforts she’s been rewarded with some tidbits of mince meat and some diced lamb over the last two nights. She seems to come shyly around the island bench and stands back trying to vocalize that she’s interested. I’ve heard her growl and snarl but never heard her bark yet… but this is different, it’s a kind of… “I’m over here, I don’t know what you have or what you are doing but I’m interested, so don’t ignore me, please!” noise. It’s a very cute, unusual sound for a dog to make and it it reminds me of the noises that the red, bald Futurama character with the crab claws for hands makes – like a wobbly uncertain wibble noise. 🙂 I’ve made sure to keep giving her treats directly from my hand which causes her all sorts of angst… she wants the treat but doesn’t want to get close enough to get touched/caught so she prances and dance lightly around on her feet making this noise until she works up the courage to come close enough to get the treat. As the days go by we are getting less dithering at a safe distance and more ‘advance, retreat, advance some more’ type of movement before she comes in to steal her treat away as swiftly as she can.

I’m discovering it’s awful hard to chastize a puppy for toilet training purposes, when you’re doing your absolute best to let her know that people aren’t to be feared and trying hard to gain her confidence. We don’t want her learning bad habits, but we don’t want to be rousing on her and making her more fearful of us either – bit of a catch 22 that one. So tonight, she when peed in the hallway, I didn’t get cross at her at… all the Small Child thought it was adorable that she peed a love heart. :S

Wednesday, August 28th at 8:35pm.
I’m writing this with a cute little Alaska holed up in my jumper! That’s right, not only has she become okay with sitting in our laps and having cuddles and pats for extended periods, tonight, she was wrapped up in my jumper and stayed close and happy for the length of two Suits episodes! Gorgeous little thing seems to be not only getting used to being close to people, but to enjoy being close and is starting to show signs of enjoying having us around. We have seen more and more tail wagging going on when she is excited – mostly this is from a safe distance when we are playing and cuddling with Dixie. She moves a ‘safe’ perimeter and watches us playing with Dixie, making the same “don’t forget about me” noises that she makes in the kitchen for treats but still not sure enough of herself to come in close and just get herself some cuddles too. She’s much more relaxed being handled and petted now compared to even this time last week. I’m really pleased that she is coming along, though it is still disheartening to see that as soon as she is left to her own recognisance she retreats to her crate post haste. But bundled into the jumper – she sure was cosy and happy and is definitely getting used to us and is much less fearful than she was. 🙂 Slowly but surely.

Thursday, 29th August 2013 at 9:03pm
We have had a fabulous day! Amazingly Alaska has finally started following me around the house and interested in what I am doing. She’s keen to see what’s happening in the kitchen and has been happily sitting beside me in the living room while I work on the laptop. She’s even been trying to nudge Dixie out of the way a bit so she can get the closer spot next to me, which is awesome. I’ve seen more tail wagging today than I’ve seen all week and tonight, she let me roll her onto her back for about 20 mins for a big tummy rub! I never thought we’d get to proper relaxed tummy rubs so quickly after the way she has been acting, but it was awesome. She was even relaxed enough to stretch back her head and not be still looking around warily. We loved it. We had a nice visit with my Mum and Alaska was very shy of her at first but warmed to her readily after the initial reluctance.

After that we have spent the afternoon having cuddles and coming to take treats from my hands … still with the dancing routine, but she’s getting braver every day. This evening I went into the study and saw that she had jumped up onto a chair and made herself comfortable. Which is so awesome… she was just curled up on the chair having a rest there instead of in her crate! 🙂 So here is a pic I took this evening where she is starting to look like the little puppy that I think she could be… her posture is changing entirely – she’s more upright and not cringing or trying to blend into the furniture or the walls, and she’s finally showing us that she is starting to come out of her shell (totally promise she won’t go out a window!).

Futher update: Friday, 30th August 2013, at 11:20pm
Alaska has had a great day today. She has been coming readily to hand for yummy puppy kangaroo treats – still some dancing about with uncertainty before closing in, but definitely gaining in confidence. She and I spent several hours throughout the day cuddling and hanging out… she is getting used to being handled more and more every day. I’ve seen heaps of tail wagging and she’s starting to show more and more curiosity in the things around her. I’ve collected four socks out of her crate today… she’s venturing further and further when no one is watching which is awesome. I’m hoping that trend continues until she is running about underfoot all the time just like Dixie does. At one point today, I had to grab her around the middle to stop her from escaping and instead of turning on me with teeth bared like she would have a couple of weeks ago, she just froze and waited warily to see what was going to happen – which was lots of cuddles and tummy rubs so she was all good with that. 🙂

Tonight I had both puppies on the floor with me and some treats and I was making Dixie ‘sit’ or ‘drop’ for her treats.. and Alaska who I thought wouldn’t get much by way of training when we can’t handle her readily, was watching Dixie and TWICE actually ‘sat’ on command for a treat! She sat down extremely briefly so she could make a quick get away if needs be, but I’m taking it! I can’t believe how exciting these little things are, but when I compare them to how she was when she arrived – we are certainly making improvements every day.

Saturday, 31st August 2013 at 7:03am
I’ve just gotten up and grabbed a cuppa and a quiet Alaska has come out to greet me with tail wagging! She actually chose to jump up on the couch beside me and was licking at my hands. Then when I went to give her a bit of a scratch behind the ears… she slowly rolled half over so I could give her a belly rub. I’m so proud of the little girl. She’s still got a long way to go… but just look at how far she has come already!

Abbott Proof the Senate!

Posted on August 29, 2013 by borysSNORC

According to the polls, the LNP is going to win the upcoming Federal election. Is no one watching what has just happened in Queensland?!?

Can’t Do Campbell Newman got into office having promised ZERO public service cuts and well, as we have seen, he fucking LIED. The Qld LNP Govt has sacked 14,000 permanent public servants (that they are owning up to) and an estimated 6-7,000 temporary staff and contractors who didn’t were let go at the end of their contracts. He promised no ‘front line services’ would be affected, then swiftly redefined what ‘front line services’ are, so that nurses, healthcare workers, counsellors, aged care employees, rural fire services and communities and families officers were not considered ‘front line’, so out the door with them! Who needs health, aged care and preventative services in the community anyway?

Newman promised ‘no forced redundancies’, but many people were angled into positions with very limited options and very bleak outlooks, so had no option but to take redundancy packages and leave. Services in Queensland have been severely affected, across both metropolitan and rural areas. Then there’s the flow on effects… Brisbane has seen coffee shops, restaurants, retail and service industries laying off staff, and even going out of business, as people have reduced their retail and hospitality spending. Indiscriminate culling of jobs – and that is what happened here, it was all about the head count, not their functions – leads to higher unemployment in all sectors and a down turn in economic growth. It has also led to a stressed and over worked public service as many people struggled to do the work of their sacked colleagues… and yet there is still a perception among the masses that the ‘public servants DO nothing’ and that ‘none of them work anyway’. Obviously these people aren’t seeing what I’m seeing – public servants who work 12-14 hour days (with no flex or overtime) who are also spending their weekends working to keep up with the demands of his role thanks to lack of staff!!!

All these sackings also led to some very dodgy dealings. I am aware of at least one high level public servant who was sacked for his political affiliation NOT because his job was no longer needed, as his position was immediately back filled. I am aware of at least one situation where a senior executive took a redundancy package to officially lop off a permanent position, but he was back within weeks doing pretty much the same job as a contractor through a third party company. Fast forward twelve months and that individual is now back in his original job as a permanent public servant doing the same original function he was employed to do in the first place and with a nice fat back pocket for his troubles.

Abbott has said he will sack 12,000 federal public servants to save $5.1bn – though the Australian people will have to wait until the LNP has formed government to see the details. These figures have been already been refuted by the incumbent Finance minister Penny Wong, who claims at least 20,000 people would have to go to achieve that target… Canberra with 20,000 less gainfully employed individuals would see the city’s vibrant hospitality industry decimated, and a forced mass exodus from the region as people flee looking for employment opportunities. In turn this could flood the market with real estate, and oh big surprise a correlating tumble in housing prices. And if he says that 12,000 have to go… I’d put money on seeing double that getting marched out the door.

Need more reasons NOT to vote for an Abbott-led LNP?

How about his climate change denials? Abbott will see us all underwater before deciding Australia needs to be leading the world in alternative energies.
What about the Paid Parental Leave program which leaves the less privileged equally less privileged!
His repeated denial of equal rights for ALL Australians in his refusal to allow a conscience vote on Marriage Equality – fuck you and the horse you rode in on! This man has no right to determine how and where someone finds love and happiness.
Abbott’s encouragement of ‘women of calibre’ to have more children – a person who has dedicated their life to volunteering in the community or an unwaged PhD student is entitled to nothing under your PPL plan? Mustn’t be ‘women of calibre’, hey?
How about his complete inability to think on his feet and his reassurances that ‘only carefully scripted remarks can be taken as gospel’? Is this the man you want negotiating for and representing Australia on the international stage?
Then there’s the complete joke known as the LNP Fraudband plan… fuck! We are already behind the rest of the world in internet infrastructure, costs and speeds – why would we settle for old technology?
And if that’s not enough, what about his swept-under-the-table-by-the-Murdoch-media, illegal dealings in the taking down of Peter Slipper?

I could go on, but I really need to consider doing something more productive today than venting on a blog. Tony Abbott is nothing but stuffed shirt. The very definition of a political puppet. The idea of this misogynistic buffoon representing Australia in the international arena is cringeworthy, and yet if you believe the polls, the newspapers and the mainstream media, he’s going to be our next Prime Minister.

The election is looming and I am hoping that people have been watching the cautionary tale that has unravelled before our very eyes, in Queensland… my other hopes are being strictly reserved for anyone who has the lack of foresight to vote for THIS LNP coalition – I don’t mean to impugn people who normally vote for the Liberal party or LNP coalition, but THIS current manifestation of the LNP is a disaster waiting to happen, and it feels like a deadly snake coiled around Australia’s heartland, with the ever present self interested Rupert Murdoch behind it, ready to poke the viper to make it strike the minute the clock ticks over to September 8th.

If you absolutely MUST vote for Abbott and his vituperative, vicious, and vainglorious team… for God’s sake vote for someone else in the Senate to keep the bastards honest!

No use crying…

Posted on August 28, 2013 by borysSNORC

Okay, here’s a weirdness.

I’ve had four shitty car accidents. And yes when I refer to them they are always ‘shitty’ car accidents, not horrific, not tragic, not destructive, not soul destroying, not back breaking, not any another sort of adjective… always ‘shitty’. Don’t know why on that one, except none of them were my fault and I feel like that is just my all round shit luck, and complete lack of Parking Fairy, that is to blame for it all.

Anyway, with four shitty accidents in my past you’d think that would give me four shitty days of the year to lament my shitty broken body and my shitty chronic pain situation – the 28th August, the 24th of December, the 21st of September and the 17th of November. But for some reason it doesn’t. Not a year has gone by since 1991 that I haven’t mentally had a sad-on, on the 28th of August. Each year, it goes through my head… One year of being in pain everyday. Five years of being in pain everyday. Ten years of being in pain everyday. Fifteen years of being in pain everyday. Twenty years of being in pain every fucking day. And it’s not just the milestone years either (though the twenty year thing was pretty hard to deal with, as it officially meant I had more years in pain than I had had years, pain free), it’s every year – thirteen years, eighteen years, twenty-two years – today!

But for reasons I truly can’t explain it’s only the 28th of August and the 19th of November that I feel myself spending the day gritting my teeth in anger and frustration over the persistent and pervasive pain I’ve been forced to endure and over the undeniable and unavoidable fact that life is not fucking fair! I don’t know why the other two dates don’t make me twitch, especially since the December 24th one is the one that came closest to, you know… seeing me end up dead in a ditch. It makes no sense.

Blargh. It’s out there for another year. Happy Painful Anniversary to me… again.

John Cleese assessment of Europe

Posted on August 27, 2013 by borysSNORC

ALERTS TO THREATS – IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short…

Why can’t I let go?

Posted on August 26, 2013 by borysSNORC

I’ve written many times about my IVF experiences and my feelings around having more children and my complete inability to let it go and accept my life the way it is. I’ve also written many times about my car accidents and my chronic pain and how I feel out of control and powerless, angry, resentful and often just plain useless. I’ve written about my deep rooted hatred for my own ‘traitorous’ body, which I feel has been stopping me from getting what I want and doing what I want, since the moment I hit adulthood. Most people only get a glimpse of the all encompassing sense of loss that I carry around with me all day every day, because while I know I could be a a cranky, short tempered bitch ALL THE TIME, I work really hard to keep most of my crap to myself.

I went to a personal development seminar this weekend… I wasn’t sure what I was going to get out of it, I only knew that having been out of the workplace for over ten years meant I hadn’t had any formal development, professional or personal, for a very long time. Sure I’ve been psychobabbled from here to eternity and back by a plethora or counsellors and psychologists and psychiatrists, and I know how to talk the talk and walk the walk in the consulting room. But none of them have ever been able to help me… they sit and talked me in circles, gave me drugs, gave me mindfulness exercises, attempted to recondition or hypnotise me or fuck knows what else. None of them have been able to fix my back pain. None of them have been able to fix my infertility. And none of them have been able to make me feel happy about being stuck in this shitty body and I don’t know why. This weekend I learned that I don’t let go of ‘stuff’.

I’m not talking about grudges against others here – people piss me off, or disrespect me or the people I love? I just cut them out of my life end of story. I don’t need any more negativity in my life – I’m pretty good at generating plenty of negativity of my own without accepting it from other people, thank you very much. And I don’t have the time, inclination or energy to waste on hating people or holding grudges (if it’s a grudge holding that can occur without the requirement to invest energy or time… that might be a different matter! 😉 ). So no, it’s not others that I’m talking about here – it’s ME. Why can’t I let go and learn to accept my limitations, accept my life, and accept my situation, and count my goddamn fucking blessings for a change instead of constantly wanting things to be different, or other than they are. Why can’t I just cherish my little family without looking at us and thinking ‘I want more’?.

I usually think of ‘personal development’ as being a bit too new agey, or a bit too touchy feely or a bit too self indulgent – so I’m not normally one to navel gaze or drink the KoolAid and get sucked into these things. I’ve been told in the past that I don’t have a ‘suggestive personality’ which I understand means I’m not easily led, not easily hypnotized, not readily reconditioned… alternately, you could just call it bloody stubborn. So I tried to go into this thing with an open mind. I reckon we were barely an hour in when the presenter, Nicky, started talking about Health and how it affects your entire life and if you have your health then you’re already well on your way to personal happiness. I’m sure without even really thinking about it, she trotted out a we need to look after our bodies, because ‘your body is a temple’ as cliched as it sounds, it is what will stick in people’s heads. At which point I interrupted asking ‘What if your temple is broken?’

Which started a discussion on how the body repairs itself and you can heal. I come back with ‘there are some things the body can’t or won’t recover from’… which led into her dragging my chronic back pain and IVF story out of me in front of 40 odd (and fuck me, but some of them were really odd!) strangers. Nicky suggests we have a chat during the break… So we do. And I got slapped upside the head like no damn psych has ever done to me before. She asked me questions that I couldn’t answer:

Who would you be if you weren’t this person in pain?
Why can’t you be happy with your family as it is?
What’s so bad with having an only child? He doesn’t know any different.
What belief systems am you hanging on to?

She flat out told me I have suffered an awful lot of loss in my life (Yes, yes I have heard this from soooo many therapists in the past so I thought I knew what was coming) – loss of physical strength, loss of control over my body, loss of freedom, loss of social identity, loss of career and work opportunities, loss children, loss of my identity as a woman, loss of my dreams… so much loss, oh you poor kitten. And here is where she smacked me – there’s been a metric fuckton of loss, but no actual grief. She looked at me and cut me to the quick… ‘You have never allowed yourself to really FEEL what has happened to you. You’ve spent years being ‘strong’ and sucking it up and soldiering on, and you’re still doing it. As a result, you’ve never really ALLOWED yourself to grieve any of these losses. And if you don’t grieve your losses, how can you move on? You’re stuck in your anger and resentment and frustration at this enormous amount of loss in your life and you’ve never let yourself really feel it.’

I have often jokingly said that I don’t know how to have the nervous breakdown I feel I so richly deserve! Turns out I might be right. I don’t know how to let myself just feel all the shit that has happened. I never really grieved my physical incapacities, I have just spent two decades gritting my teeth and fighting them. I never really grieved any of my five miscarriages, I barely acknowledged they happened and moved on – I certainly never allowed myself to think of them as five little babies that didn’t survive (in fact, I remember seeing a woman once with some three little children charms hanging around her neck and commented on them – she said they were her ‘angels’, her three little babies that didn’t make it, which at the time I thought was a fucking creepy thing to be carrying around with your everyday, but maybe it’s healthy?). I never even allowed myself to grieve my disappointments with each failed IVF cycle… the longer we were at it, the less and less my expressions of disappointment would be. It got to the point where I’d have another failed cycle and wouldn’t even tell Mr K about it in person, I’d just leave the (-)ve stick in the bathroom for him to see when he got up and go about my day. He’d give me a cuddle in the kitchen and say ‘I’m sorry.’ and we’d keep on going… with over forty failed cycles that were sending us broke, who has the fucking energy to grieve every one of them? Truth be told, I don’t think I grieved for any of them – I didn’t allow myself to think of them as little babies that didn’t make it, it was just another failed treatment.

I walked away from the deeply upset. I had reluctantly acknowledged an awful truth. That without my painful persona that I have obviously been living for decades, I am nothing – I have built no other identity for myself. I don’t know who I am, or who I would be if I wasn’t in pain all day. I have made my pain and infertility my entire life story. It’s who I am – an infertile, chronic pain sufferer. And I haven’t been able to move past it to define myself any further. It’s not like I have chosen to wallow in in, in fact it’s the complete opposite. I spend most of my energy trying to ignore it… and trying not to acknowledge it, trying not to let people in – because being in here sucks arse! I don’t want people to know how fucking horrible and hollow I feel deep down inside. I am just one tightly wound, short blonde bundle of anger, resentment, frustration and jealousy… and that’s all there is in here! I don’t love myself or my body. I don’t love my life or my situation – which is completely shit because I have so much to be grateful for. I have spent my life being angry and focused on all the negative shit surrounding me, and it has very likely hindered me from truly enjoying the good and positive things in my life.

I came home after the seminar and spent the night trying to figure out WHY? Why can’t I fully acknowledge and grieve the losses in my life? How come I don’t know HOW to grieve? So other more recognizable and common senses of loss came to the fore: My father’s death. I didn’t really grieve that loss either – I went off to training for a new job the very day after he passed away convinced that is what he would want me to do. My grandmother’s death. Went to the funeral, I got a speeding ticket while playing loud music and not paying attention to the road conditions on the way home – nope, no real grief there. The death of three of my cousins on Anzac Day in 1988 – still makes me sad, but did I actually grieve for them when they drowned? Not really. But then I poked around in that for a bit…

I didn’t grieve for the loss of my three cousins as an impressionable young teenager because I wasn’t ALLOWED to. If you read the link above about how they died, you’ll see I gloss over some very important facts. Yes, I mentioned that on Anzac Day in 1988 that my cousins had drowned as a result of the huge floods that were sweeping western Queensland at the time and the poor little kids didn’t know how to swim. I mentioned that the whole thing didn’t seem ‘real’ to me until I saw it in the newspaper the following day at the school library. What I don’t mention is that I became really emotionally upset by the death of these beautiful little children… the Librarian called for the Principal and that school sent me home for the day. So what?

Well, later that evening I got in trouble. My father sat me down and told me that I hardly ever saw these kids but a few times each year, that I barely even knew these kids because they were so young and had no cause to be feeling all upset at their death and that there definitely wasn’t any cause for missing school for the day. So my father, whose good opinion I respected and actively courted my entire life, taught me that when bad things happen we don’t feel them, we suck them up, keep working and move on. I always thought he was just very practical and pragmatic and not very demonstrative and that wasn’t a bad way to be. But now I think he taught me that grieving loss, any loss, is unacceptable. I’m sure that isn’t what he wanted to teach me – to bottle up my emotions and never allow myself to ‘feel’ anything… but I am starting to think that is the lesson that I came away with it from. I have never really grieved anything since. Not the my miscarriages, not the death of my gorgeous little dog companion Caesar who was my constant friend for nearly 15 years, not even my own father’s death! I don’t know how to grieve. He taught me it was self indulgent to do so and now I seriously don’t know how to.

So now I feel like I’m blocked, or bogged down or drowning in my inability to let myself feel things. Like I need to somehow truly grieve the losses in my past in some tangible, physical or cathartic way, that allows me to actually ‘feel’ the horrible things that have happened and hopefully allows me to finally let go of some or all of the emotional baggage, rather than bottling it all up and carrying it around with me everyday.

Only problem is… I have no idea how that is accomplished.