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I have a question….

Why is gift wrapping so hard?  For men that is.

I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who was confident and adept at the whole wrapping presents thing.  Most men I know tend to leave all the gift wrapping to their significant female others.  I know in our household I’ve been pretty much responsibile for the wrapping of presents for every occasion (christmas, birthdays, engagements, weddings what have you) for the last ten years –  for his family and mine.

And I’m not talking about a bunch of bricklayers here who might be a bit clumsy in the fine motor skills department.  My Dad who was a mechanical engineer and was known for his fastidious and meticulous nature hated wrapping presents and would usually give any wrapping he required to one of his three daughters to deal with – which was usually only one gift for my Mum seeing that he had always fobbed all the gift purchasing duties off to her too over the years.

In fact the only time I remember being impressed by a man’s wrapping skills is when Surly wrapped up a stuffed cat for the Small Child on his third birthday.  It had taken him 45 minutes to do it and he was obviously trying to be silly.  BigSal did admit he got rather frustrated with it eventually but once committed to the course of action, he had to see it through 🙂

cat shaped gift wrap

Anyway, today I watched while sir_phil struggled with his Christmas wrapping.  He was cursing and getting annoyed but he persevered because he knew his girlfriend would appreciate his efforts.  And there was me watching his complete (but very sweet) incompetence, being alternately amused and then visibily twitching as he use more paper than necessary and some of the most ‘interesting’ of wrapping techniques I’ve ever seen.  It was all I could do not to say ‘Oh for goodness sake move over and let me do it !!!’

I don’t understand why such a simple thing can be so difficult for some.  I don’t remember ever being taught how to wrap gifts… it’s just something you pick up by osmosis somehow.  I wonder if it’s a failing of just Aussie men? Are their foreign counterparts more adept and less stressed over the present wrapping process?  Or is it just the Y chromosone in general that can’t comfortalby exist with ‘the wrapping gene’   🙂
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Christmas Presents or Christmas Penance

Mr K:
You have a knack of always talking to me as soon as I’ve left the room.

Borys:
No I don’t.  You always leave before I’ve finished speaking.

Mr K:
LOL… You just take too long to talk and I think the conversation is over.

Borys:
What?  Am I not talking fast enough for you?  Are you the fast talking city dude and I’m the slow witted country cousin who can’t keep up?

Mr K:  No.
It’s just that I’m always expecting a ‘West Wing’ conversation and you seem to be giving me ‘Friends’ instead.

Borys:
Ohhh… wounded!!!

After insulting me so horribly just now – I figure Mr K is going to need this list to get him out of the Dog House.  Remember Sweetie I have a birthday coming up soon too.   🙂

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Minoan Pendant Disc Earrings from the Met Gift shoppe along with just about anything of their fine jewellery items… like this… or this… or this.

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Another terrabyte of space cos you can have well over 3TB in the house and still be running out… and besides nothing says ‘I Love You’ like a new hard drive.

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Cool Damask Mirror from Suck UK to hang in the entry way…. maybe it would stop people putting their hands all over the wall.

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A party spa for me and eleven of my closest friends… err … ahem… I mean a specialized heated hydro pool to allow me to do hydrotherapy exercises at home.

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Damp Squid the English Language Laid Bare from Fishpond to go with the other handful of language related books I’ve been reading lately.

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A new pavillion from Mainly Medieval more suited for singleton camping that I could paint up to be all covered in bees and fancy mottos.

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A couple of lovely overpriced Swarovski Crystal tea light holders.  Useless but pretty.

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Flemish Miniatures from the 8th to 16th Centuries from Amazon.com which I’ve been lusting after for years but carries an exhorbitant price tag.

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A ‘There’s no place like 127.0.0.1′ doormat from ThinkGeek because we love nothing more than a good pun isn’t that right Mr K?

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A beautiful stained glass lamp on Ebay that I totally don’t need but think would look lovely on the buffet in my dining room.

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Ohhh… forget about all that other crap… what about a gorgeous antique Bakhtiari rug c.1920!!!

Sigh… I think that’s enough Windows 😉 shopping for now.
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No! No! No! You can’t make me! I demand legal representation!

There comes a time as a parent where you need to make certain decisions to protect your own sanity.  In truth we don’t want to let the offspring down and we don’t want them to feel like subjects of indifferent parenting… but there are some things soooo unappealing and tedious in our eyes that we simply must act in order to preserve what little remains of our own dwindling mental capacities.

Small Child: Mum we’re doing Carols by Candelight – are you going to come?
Mum:  I don’t know Sweetie.  Why don’t you go ask your Dad if he likes Christmas.
Small Child:  Da-a-ad!  Do you like Christmas?
Dad:    Do I?  I love Christmas!!!
Small Child: Yay! We’re having Carols by Candlelight at school are you going to come?
Dad:  Sure thing kiddo   😐

I’m such a horrible parent.

It started right from day dot when I was lying my arse off to the doctors so they’d let me take him home.  And then there was the time I forgot the Toothfairy and then made up some bullshit for the Small Child in the morning telling him we were supposed to email the Toothfairy so they’d know to come visit.  There was the time he was complaining of RSI in his thumbs after inadvertently being allowed to play too much Nintendo on the holidays.  Then there was the day where I totally lost him and subsequently lost the plot as well.  Then of course there is the special torture that is enrolling him in Catholic school when we’re not overly even remotely religious.  Then there was the time we weren’t vigilant enough about exposing him to YouTube which had him sprouting about Menergy and Kenyans for two weeks solid.  And of course there have been innumerable occasions where I’ve exposed him to our friends who don’t have a PG rating.

carols coloured

And after tonight we’ll be able to add to the list of my (real or imagined) parental infringements, my flat refusal to participate in something that involves 1) red and green clothing ‘preferably something Christmassy’ and 2) the singing of Christmas carols by small talentless children.  Why?  Well because Christmas Carolling doesn’t even remotely resemble something of whimsical Dickensian tradition – to me it’s more like being forced to sit through Chinese opera performed by mating possums.

Please I don’t want to go… you can’t make me!!!  It’s bad enough that we have to do things like enter elevators and shopping centres around Christmas time where we involuntarily have Christmas carols inflicted upon us.  I see no reason why we should exacerbate the situation by voluntarily participating in carolling ourselves (shudder) .  You know forced exposure to Christmas Carols should constitutes a human rights violation… or at the very least… be considered cruel and unusual punishment of some sort.

Sigh… but thank you Mr K… you’re a Prince among men for taking the Small Child to the Carols by Candlelight tonight.  Why, Im sure taking your children to something like this is tantamount to being there for dance recitals!  So I bet there’ll be no goats on the internets in the Small Child’s immediate future and that’s all thanks to you Daddy!
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I’m easy… just not cheap.

Had a quiet day today trying to erase yesterday’s traumatic shopping experience from my memory.  I did have an unexpected visit from Brother in Law #2. My brothers in law (I have four) have the habit of occasionally popping in for a cuppa and a chat when they’re out and about.  Today BIL#2 dropped around to shoot the breeze and hang for a bit.  We started talking about the dreaded and imminent Christmas season and I’m not sure how but the tone of our chat turned into a conversation about desire. 

Why is it that we (people in genral) continually find things (objects, people or experiences) to desire.  Are we hardwired to never be happy with what we have?  Eventually you’d think that we’d run out of desires… that maybe there’s some point of saturation where you no longer feel the need to acquire.  But from what I see we don’t ever seem to get to that point, for as soon as we say or think we’ve got everything we want our entire society is geared towards telling us we want (need?) more stuff.  Or maybe desire is so integral to being alive that if we were to stop wanting and desiring various things, people and experiences we may as well be dead??? 

Because the silly season is approaching with indecent haste, we’re all getting asked that most dreaded of holiday questions "What do you want for Christmas?" and I got nothing.  I can’t think of a single thing that I want right now.  Well I should qualify that – there’s nothing I want that would fit into the average Christmas present budget range.  I’d like to build an extension onto our house approx cost about $25,000-30,000.  I’d like a new pavillion that is a more sensible size for singleton camper approx cost about about $2,500.   Errr, a hydrotherapy spa – about $14,000.  A Moran leather Chesterfield lounge suite – about $8,000-9,000.  New carpets through the house – conservatively about $10,000-12,000 and given a few more minutes I’m sure there’s a handful of other ridiculously expensive things that I might like.

But other than wanting big ticket items for our home… I can’t think of anything I want let alone somethng I might actually need.  Maybe this is why I hate the consumer driven holiday season so much.  We’ve all totally bought into thinking up stuff we don’t need for our friends and family to buy for us and we in turn buy stuff for themt that they totally don’t need and the whole thing is a stupid cycle that we repeat every bloody year.

Don’t misunderstand me though, I’m not some sort of hardline greenie or socialist trying to save us from our own mass consumerism.  In fact I may well be one of the most accomplished consumers I know.  But I just hate this mad accumulation of ‘stuff’ for no reason.
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Retail therapy my arse!

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  Holy snapping duck shit AND Jesus titty fucking Christ!

Yes, my shopping trip this morning warrants bringing out both the big guns.  I don’t like shopping at the best of times and definitely don’t like it unless I have a specific shopping agenda.  Wandering aimlessly through shopping centres is just plain annoying and not high on my favourite ways to spend time.  There is of course an exception to every rule and that would be for browsing in bookshops which is the only time when shopping without intent is perfectly acceptable.  But as per usual I’m already off topic.

I went to Carindale shopping centre this morning with a mission – to purchase a copy of Zelda Twilight Princess for the Wii.  I had seen it advertised at Big W for $68 which those in the know (Mr K gaming weenie extraordinaire) had told me was a good price.  Naturally before I set off, I searched around online to see if I could avoid the shops altogether and wait for someone to bring it to me instead… but alas I didn’t find a copy for under $94 online.  So off to the shops I went.

Advertising having done it’s magic my first port of call was Big W – where I spent 15 minutes or so searching the disorderly racks looking for it before asking at the ‘service counter’ where I was informed that they were out of stock.  Bugger. 

Undeterred, I marched over to JB Hi-Fi where I probably spent another 10 mins or so looking for it before asking for assistance, waited around for their ‘Games Specialist’.  When he turned up he told me they had a copy (and he disappeared out back) which when he waved it in front of me turned out to be $97. 

Okay…  off to Target then.  More hunting for the title on the shelves and shelves of Wii stuff (did I mention that when I hunt for something when everything is out of order I often HAVE to start alphabetizing thiings to put them into some semblance of order – I can’t help it… those dump bins full of cheap DVDs at JB HiFi really make me twitch).  Target didn’t seem to have it so again I harrassed the slack jawed dopey 17 yr old chickie working behind the counter who said she didn’t think they had it. 

Righty-o what about Myer…. more time wasted looking all around the games area (ooh,,, Lego Batman looks pretty cool but it’s not on the agenda) hunting, hunting…. but nope.  No Zelda there either.  Power walk out past the homewares so I don’t get distracted by Villeroy and Boch candlesticks or something equally unnecessary.

DJs…???  What are the odds it will be affordable there either.  But I am nothing if not tenacious when focused on a task and dutifully wandered up to DJs too where I found a copy for $104.  Shit this was getting worse not better. 

Getting ever more desperate next I tried EB Games.  Having decided that the recipient probably wouldn’t care if it was preowned I thought they might have a second hand copy at a reasonalbe price.  Yeah right.  No preowned copies and the new one was $94…. uhhh… no thanks.  He said he’d price match other stores, but only if those other stores had them in stock blah blah blah thanks for fuck all.

Alright by this stage I was getting increasingly agitated (and my back reminding me why I hate wandering around the stores) so I decided to have a breather and found a seat so I could jump on my iPhone and check the K-Mart catalogue online (which I hadn’t thought of before leaving the house) and also looked up Game Dude down at Springwood and a couple of other little places that I thought might stock it.  But nothing.  Couldn’t find it anywhere.

I trudged back to Big W having pretty much looped around the entire bloody centre by now to check their catalogue and see they offered a ‘Raincheck’ on the item.  So I grabbed a catalogue and dejectedly went back into the Home Entertainment section where the same woman who had ‘helped’ (and I use the term with no exactitude whatsoever) me earlier was standng around doing very little.  I say to the the useless sales chickie that I’ve searched the entire centre all morning (yes it was about 2 hours since I was in Big W originally) with no success and enquired if there was any way I could get a copy ordered in? or could they they take my phone number and call me if they got more copies? or could we call other stores or something? anything… help me out here lady!  Please!! 

Then some pimple faced geekboy who I hadn’t initially noticed pipes up and asks "What were you looking for?" and I in an exasperated tone replied "Zelda and the damned Twilight Princess or something."   He goes "Oh" then reaches for a drawer and pulls out a copy of Zelda and the fucking Twilight Princess from a stack of about 8 of them and says with a smile "Here you go."

Breathe, two, three, four… mentally I’ve just attacked them with a pricing gun… but instead…

Original useless sales chickie has the good grace to look embarrassed.  Pimple face kid takes my Visa and swiftly rings up the purchase while I lecture both of them about perhaps putting some fuckinng stock on the fucking display shelves!  ARGGGGHHHH!!!!  

And the worst of it… it wasn’t even my fucking shopping in the first place!  I was sent out by Mr K on behalf of Mother in Law #1 to buy it for her to give to the Small Child for Xmas.  So that’s it.  I’m not doing anymore shopping for anyone else ever again, and I’m certainly not going to spend my entire day trying to save SOMEONE ELSE some money… you can all go do your own damned shopping in future.
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