I bet you’re itching by the time you finish reading this…

Fucking nits… just the thought of them makes my scalp crawl.  I remember when I was a kid if anyone at school was itching the nuns would quite literally send them home.  We used to go camping a lot on Stradbroke Island when I was a kid and at least one of us (my sisters and I) used to get sent home after every camping trip  because we’d be itching our heads – from sand fly bites.  It used to annoy my Mum because we’d get sent home but there’d never be head lice, just sand fly bites.

If only the Small Child current itches were from sand fly bites! I REALLY hate nits even the slightest little bit of itching  and I’m checking for head lice.  I have just spent the last hour or so treating the Small Child for the fifth time this year.  I am getting so frustrated with this.  Each time I’ve seen him scratching his head and found lice or eggs in his hair I’ve had to fumigate the poor little bugger with disgusting anti-nit potions that stink to high heaven (God help you if you get it on your hands it makes them stink for the next four days!).  Then I check his hair every day for the next week before the second treatment goes on – and I’m not just going over him with a fine tooth comb… no I’m making the poor little fella sit still in bright light while I go over his entire scalp with tweezers and a jeweller’s loupe!

We’ve done this twice already this year.  He’s been scratching and I found lice and they got treated properly and we’ve totally gotten rid of them twice.  I’ve bought him new a school hat and lectured him about letting other people put his hat on or playing with other people’s hats.  I’ve told him not to lay down beside the other kids at school or put his head too close to anyone else’s head… and yet here we starting all over again with bloody round three!   They just keep coming back!!!   There must be at least one kid in his class whose parents just don’t give a shit.  We didn’t have a single incident with head lice last year but this year it seems never ending. 

I hate nits and I’m so absolutely paranoid about head lice it makes me twitch…. mostly because if I end up with them I’m in BIG trouble.  Trying to get rid of nits is tedious enough but when you’re hair is over 3 foot long… that is so not something I want to have to deal with!!

Cold hands… warm heart… dirty feet… tiny mouth?!!?

Big Food pisses me off!  🙁

You see I’ve got a rather small mouth… (waits for the titters to die down)… and whenever I try to eat Big Food I feel like a snake trying to dislocate it’s jaw in order to eat it’s prey.  Problem is that most food items that are normal size for most people are just not daintily proportioned enough for my delicate mandibles and I end up doing my dislocated snake jaw impression rapidly followed by an unattractive and ungainly squirrel cheeks imitation.

When we go to the Sushi Station (or similar) I always pick the items that are small bite sized things because if I choose some of the larger items then I risk wearing half of it because I can’t eat it in one bite.  If we go out for steak sandwiches at the Hoggies or just a panini sandwich down the local cafe for lunch, I end up dropping half my sandwich on my plate as I try to wrestle with the two inch thick slices of bread.  Even when I make hamburgers at home… just rissoles on a regular bread roll with some cheese and salad maybe… I seem to struggle to get around those too.

It’s really annoying.  My dentist says that I do indeed have a little mouth and one of the reasons I hate going to the dentist so much is that it feels like HE is trying to dislocate my jaw so he get get a decent look.  Having a little mouth has resulted in very straight and gapless teeth which is good thing I guess but it kinda sucks being unable to eat anything larger than a chicken nugget if one wishes to maintain any outward aspect or appearance of decorum.
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Ohhhh dinner box cat!

I seriously dislike cats.  I’m pretty sure I always have and it seems likely that I probably always will.  There are cat people and there are dog people and never the twain shall meet…  and I think I’ve definitely been residing over in canine territory for quite some time now.

I just don’t like cats….
I don’t like the way they shed hair all over your good clothes.,
I don’t like the way the use their claws to destroy your furntiture.
I don’t like how they fight at night scaring the shit out of you.
I don’t like the way they jump all over the kicthen benches when you’re out.
I don’t like the way cat owners insist they NEVER do this.
I don’t like that we pay council registration fees for dogs but catowners get off free.
I don’t like kitty litter trays in the house (totally gross).
I don’t like LOLcats in any way, shape or form.
I don’t like the way they ”spray’ on your cars or leave dirty footprints on it.
I don’t like that they kill a lot of native birds.
I don’t like cat owners who don’t keep their pets indoors overnight.

i hate cats

I’ve never hurt a cat or anything… I just don’t want them anywhere near me and preferably not on my property.  I’d never deliberately harm a cat – hit it or kick it or run it over in my car (even though I might joke about wanting to) because personally I think anyone who was in the habit of harming small animals should be under watch for other sociopathic tendencies.

But mostly I don’t like the way cat lovers seem to get all wound up if you have the audacity to dislike cats.  Because lets face it… if I said I hated marmosets or something equally banal… no one would give a shit.   😐
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Say it with a bunch of dead flora and a box of superfluous calories and saturated fats.

Valentines Day… isn’t it fabulous?   Sigh…

The flowers, the chocolates, the romantic candlelit dinners, the fine wine, the dead sexy voice of Barry White emanating from the stereo, the extravagant jewellery, the really hot sex* you’re going to have…   Isn’t it ever so romantic and wonderful!  Why…  is there any felicity in the world such as this?

If only, every day were Valentines Day…. then we could all waste our money on this shit 365 days a year.

Valentines Day is yet another of those Hallmark occasions which I absolutely despise.  All flash, no substance and the whole thing sets you up to fail.  It’s not uncommon apparently for many relationships go totally bust after Valentines Day.  Why?  Well, because the entire concept seems to be designed to give chicks EXPECTATIONS…. and God forbid should HE fail to deliver.  It makes no sense – either you have a fabulous loving relationship and you tell each other every single day, in a million little ways, how much you mean to each other…. or you don’t.  And if you don’t – well you can probably forget about you choccies and flowers because they’re not going to help your cause.

Personally I’d rather skip the chocolates and flowers and the damn (tree killing) greeting cards, and have once sincere ‘I love you’ for my troubles.

What can I say?  I’m easy to please.   (Hey you – stop scoffing!!!)

mario valentines
* NB – This is usually proportionate to the number
and/or value of the aforementioned items here listed.

Don’t they know they’re making us twitch???

Like many people I collect ‘things’.  I collect some things deliberately – like books, DVDs and Magic 8 Balls.  Other things I seem to collect almost inadvertently like bottles of nail polish and drug pens (you know the ones with advertising on them for pharmaceuticals?).  Anyway, when I am collecting something that I intend to keep it makes me all warm and fuzzy when it looks all nice and uniform on my shelves.  Say for example I have been collecting The West Wing on DVD which I have done because it’s one of my favourite shows and I’ve watched them all about three times and I  know I’ll watch it again some day and also…. I just want to own my own copies.  Seasons 1 & 2  originally came out in those chunky cardboard boxsets (half season boxes at that) which I duly purchased.  A year or so later they released Seasons 1 – 4 in those double sized plastic DVD cases which vexed me somewhat because they no longer matched my old cardboard ones.  So I repurchased Seasons 1 & 2 when I bought Seasons 3 & 4 and resold my old cardboard ones on eBay.  No big deal – I’m just a bit anal retentive like that… but whatever.  Then Season 5 was released and it was the same which good … but when the final Seasons 6 & 7 were released they were in single DVD cases and seeing that I had no desire to go and spend the money over again – they no longer make a cohesive aesthetic set on my bookcase…. and this annoys the living crap out of me   🙁

It’s not just The West Wing either – it was The Sopranos too, The Harry Potter DVDs, Bewitched and countless other so called ‘sets’ (which by definition implies that they will be a group or combination of things that are similar in design and/or function) too… lots of them do it for some reason.  And it’s not just limited to DVD collections either –  Books.  ‘They’ – the powers that be (read complete and utter knobs who design and market stuff) do it to books too. 

  

I’ve been reading Jasper Fforde lately – in particular the Thursday Next series. I know, I know it’s so unusual for me to get into a sci-fi/fantasy series given that I’m usually more into classic literature.  But Fforde’s sci-fi novels incorporate lots of references to the classics (Bronte, Gaskell, Austen, Dickens, Tolstoy, Elliot and of course Shakespeare) and there’s lots of clever little literary in-jokes which creates the most marvellous juxtapositions between highbrow literature and lowbrow absurdity that it makes for absolutely ‘hang onto your hat’ hilarious reading.  So far I’ve read ‘The Eyre Affair’, ‘Lost in a Good Book’ and ‘The Well of Lost Plots’ and am about to start reading the fourth novel in the series ‘Something Rotten’.  I have also purchased two of his other novels ‘The Big Over Easy and ‘The Fourth Bear’ which are in a related by different series based around Detective Jack Spratt.  Where was I going with this again….?  Oh yeah.  The damn covers.  I have been looking to purchase the fifth novel in the Thursday Next series which is called ‘First Among Sequels’ and guess what?  They’ve changed the artwork (on the Australian released version of the novel – the UK cover matches nicely) so that it looks NOTHING LIKE THE REST OF THE SERIES!!!   Why???

   
   

Fuckers.  Needless to say I haven’t purchased this new book yet because the cover sets my aesthetic teeth on edge.  I’ve been keeping an eye out for it hoping that it will eventually be released with a similar design to the rest of them but so far my efforts have been twarted and at this rate I’ll likely end up ordering a copy on Amazon.co.uk which will cost me twice the prices 🙁  Soooo not happy with my wash!
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