My notes from one of my calls this morning…

time:  1105
username:   [email protected]
name:    S.S. Cillybitch
service:   cable wifi
os:   XP Home SP2
problem:   Cust has reinstalled the operating system and is connected to cable modem via ethernet but cant access the internet.  Advised Cust to click on the start button, select blue ‘e’ for Internet Explorer. Able to browse.   

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Got into work bright and early, nice easy run through the traffic, got myself a nice hot chocolate to start the day,  flicked through some emails from friends before signing into the phone…

First call….

HelpDesk Chickie:  “Welcome to Goliath, this is boyrsSNORC.  How many I help you?”
 <smile>

Eejit Customer:  “Ummm….. I was trying to set up the wifi security on my modem and I went into the ‘modem homepage’ and changed something in the IP settings section, and now I’ve cant get on the internet…..”

</smile>

One and a half hours later….

Eejit Customer:  “Errrr….. I think I changed some other stuff on my computer as well, but I cant remember where that was….”

Sigh…… 

😐

The customers that I am beginning to despise the most are the ones who love me.

I try really hard to be helpful and pleasant on the phone… I figure if someone is going to pay me good money to do what I basically consider monkey work, then the least I can do is try and do my job as best I can.  I’ve gotten used to the cranky customers – they are a dime a dozen at Goliath.  And I have gotten used to the arrogant ones who think they know what they are doing and race ahead of you when you try to help them with their problems….  the ones that are starting to piss me off the most are the ones who think I am wonderful simply because I am demonstrating some patience for their absolute incompetence.  :S

You can pick these ones right off the bat.  As soon as you say hello, they are apologizing because they don’t know much about computers and are already anticipating that I will get annoyed with them for not following instructions correctly.  So when I reassure them that they are doing okay and then spoon feed them the directions in teeny tiny little bees dick drops, they are usually so grateful that I haven’t made them feel like complete and utter morons, that they continuously thank me over and over again for being so patient and helpful…… and unbeknownst to them, while they are fucking up the simplest of instructions for the umpteenth time and professing their undying love and devotion – I am smacking my head against the desk with boredom and frustration.

Why do people insist on doing things themselves?  I acknowledge my limitations.  I can’t fix plumbing or tune the car?  What makes everyone think they can fix their own computers????  Please people… at some point you need to say – nope I don’t know how to do this, and I don’t want to harass some poor person on the phone for hours on end to do what should only take five mins to fix.  Like this guy from last week who I spent a 45 min phone call with me and who’s internet connection problem was solved by powercycling his PC and modem……  😐

……but that is another story…..  :S

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About half way though this, I became convinced that someone was taking the piss out of me… and then it became exceedingly apparent, that my reflections on just how fucking moronic ‘the public’ can be, needed  a total reexamination.  New and improved levels of ‘too fucking stupid to own a computer’ were defined in my brain during the course of this short painful phone call which has been recorded for your reading pleasure… though with the copious amounts of incredulous blinking on my part removed for the sake of brevity’……….

HelpDeskChickie:   Welcome to Goliath, this is borysSNORC… how may I help you?
Customer:  I bought this new computer and it comes with Goliath broadband.
                  I need help setting it up.
HDC:  No problem… what sort of broadband connection is it?
Customer:  I dont know.
HDC:   Is it ADSL, cable or wireless?
Customer:   I dont know
HDC:  That’s okay… what does your modem look like?
Customer:   I dont know.
HDC:   Do you have a little black box, or a small blue one perhaps or maybe a little blue USB device?
Customer:   Ummm… no.
HDC:   You dont have a modem?
Customer:   I dont think so.
HDC:   If it is a broadband internet connection, you will need a modem of some sort…
Customer:    Well which bit is the modem?
HDC:   It’s the actual device that the computer needs to connect to the internet.
Customer:  So I need something else? 
HDC:    Yes.
Customer:    But It’s supposed to be a Goliath internet, so cant you help me set it up…
HDC:     Unfortunately no…  If your computer came with an internet plan, I imagine they should have provided you with a modem.
Customer:    I dont think they gave me anything…..
HDC:   Where did you buy your computer?
Customer:   I bought it from Hardly Normal Electrical.  Oh, it’s a Goliath internet so if you cant fix it, should I call Goliath then?
HDC:   This is Goliath, but In order for us to fix your connection, you need to be able to tell us what sort of connection it is.  Additionally, you will need to have some sort of modem with which to establish the connection.  I’m sorry, but you will have to go back to your vendor and find out what sort of internet connection you have purchased and what sort of modem you should have received.
Customer:   Oh.

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Help Desk Chickie:”Hi welcome to Goliath, this is borySNORC.”
Hopeful Customer:”Yeah. Hi I need to get my WEP key to connect my Playstation 3 to the internet”
Help Desk Chickie: “Sure no problem. First we need to get onto a PC that’s already on the network…”
Hopeful Customer: “Do I need to connect the modem to the PC?”
Help Desk Chickie: “It’s already connected wirelessly isnt it?”
Hopeful Customer: “Yeah it’s a wireless internet connection”
Help Desk Chickie “Erm, what does your modem look like?”
Hopeful Customer:”It’s a little blue stick thing”

Thump head on desk.
Repeat.