Jimmy Carr – Gagging Order

Posted on January 23, 2014 by borysSNORC

Went to see Jimmy Carr last night and can’t tell you how terrified I was that our tickets turned out to be in the very front row! As many will know, Jimmy Carr spends about a third of his act either talking with members of the audience, taking the piss out of members of the audience, or outright bitch slapping members of the audience into next week! And I for one, seriously didn’t want to end up being one of those in the latter group.

Anyway, I needn’t have worried – of course there was a semi-inebriated yobbo of questionable mental capacity, prepared to go early and go hard, effectively drawing fire away from the rest of us for the entire duration of the show. I mean, seriously… if you’re going to heckle someone like Jimmy Carr, you better have something better up your sleeve than, ‘Your Mum’ or ‘Your girlfriend’ for a retort. For the entire gig, the wanker, (Jordan, as we discovered later), was at the pointy end of every single joke that in anyway referenced persons of limited intellectual abilities or questionable moral behaviour… In fact, poor Jordan got picked on during any opportune moment when Jimmy Carr wanted to sleight the not so quick, or allow a moment to let a joke settle in a bit for the peanut gallery.

Couple of things that stood out this show… slightly less pedophile jokes, slightly more geriatric jokes… slightly less bestiality jokes, slightly more tax man jokes :)… still roughly the same amount of jokes about sexuality, religion and/or racism (usually all mixed into the same gag for greater shock and horror effect). And holy shit, can he think on his feet! I’ve seen most of his stand up shows before and some of his material was a bit familiar as he threw well practiced lines at members of the audience who had the audacity/stupidity? to yell out an opinion, but you don’t really appreciate how quickly he snaps out those barbed retorts until you’re seeing him responding to his audience in real life. All round he was pretty awesome. I maintain that, he is crude, coarse, common, vulgar and fucking hilarious. I laughed so much my sides ached and my cheeks hurt.

Of the three hundred odd jokes that he claims to tell in a show, only one stuck in my head, which he claims he, ‘heard it from a bunch of Aussies blokes, so you know right away, it’s going to be a bit brutal, yeah?’…

Q: “How do you get a gay guy to screw a chick?”
A: “Shove her cunt full of shit.”

Yeah. Bit hard to forget, that. I was both repulsed and involuntarily amused.

During one particular ‘bit’, he threw open to the audience, asking the women there present, what sort of unsavoury sexual practices men had asked them to perform. His general premise seemed sound – anything turns men on, so you never know what sort of weird stuff they will have asked their partners to do. Sooo many couples gone dead silent at this point and laughing nervously… I could feel the guy behind me sitting bolt upright in what I assume was abject terror as he wondered if his girlfriend was going to shout out something he’d rather not have made public!

One woman turned it up by saying that one guy wanted to ‘fuck her with his foot…’ OMG. Which of course prompted a few questions from Jimmy, and a response that came something like ‘Well, he liked the feel of it. Apparently he had a dog that used to lick his feet…’ Yup. Dig up, sweetie. Not making this sound any better. The next woman to volunteer information said a guy wanted to ‘give her a Strawberry Shortcake*’. I have to admit, I was nonplussed having never heard this term before… there was however a rather noticeable collective groan from the crowd behind us – they obviously knew what it was. Jimmy Carr too, had never heard of it and wanted to know what it was. The woman who had offered this information said it was ‘giving a guy head, and then he punches you’. Which made little sense, but gave the comedian plenty to work with.

*You know I totally had to Urban Dictionary that shit when I got home, and it was so much worse than what she said! Ewww…

While fairly confident that most think they have heard it all before, there were SOOOO many things going through my mind that I, personally, could have yelled out in response to this particular question…
Things that would have made men cover their nether regions!
Things that would have made women cover their eyes at the mental image!
Things that might have even make people throw up in their mouths a little!
… but they say discretion is the better part of valour, so I chose to remain silent.

Made me think though – if there were so many nasty, nasty things that I could have yelled out that would have mightily embarrassed long distant men in my past (fortunately I don’t think I know them anymore, and there’s a reason for that!), whose proclivities do not bear thinking about… it made me wonder what sort of kinky shit were the other women in the audience keeping to themselves? O_o

Going Ticket Crazy Lately

Posted on November 28, 2013 by borysSNORC

It started innocuously enough.. my friend picked us up some tickets available through a early private pre-sale thing, to go see Jimmy Carr on the 22nd January at Brisbane City Hall. She got on the phones as soon as they were available and we scored tickets in the second or third row if memory serves – which is a sort of dubious position to be in given the amount of audience participation at Jimmy Carr shows, but time will tell. I am really looking forward to it – he’s like a one man game of Cards Against Humanity! 🙂

Not long after that it was ‘hey, Opera Australia are doing Opera on the Beach next year’, so tickets were acquired for The Magic Flute next May… yah, Mozart under the stars with comfy chairs (somewhere in the red section), lots of wine, good company and gourmet hampers. Sounds like lots of fun. 🙂

Then I saw that the new Cirque show, Amaluna was going to be in New York City! And waited desperately for several weeks for dates to be released to see if they would coincide with our planned travels for next year. Eventually dates for NY were released and squeals of delight were heard all over the house and tickets were promptly booked to go even though we hadn’t booked flights or anything else yet! ‘Cos that’s just how I roll… book my Cirque tickets first and then plan the rest of my travel around that.

What was after that? I think it was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. A couple of friends reported going and said that it was fabulous. I was already toying with the idea of taking the Small Child – just to get a bit more culture stuffed into him… a bit of musical theatre can’t hurt! – and their recommendation sold the plan. Managed to get us two tickets to a Friday afternoon matinee session on the 20th of December and I’m really looking forward to it. We’re in the front row of the first balcony, so let’s hope he hasn’t inherited his father’s fear of heights!

Then I went and booked some tickets to go see La Nouba in Orlando while we are in the States… because, well if I have to go do all the space stuff in Cape Canaveral and Orlando isn’t that far away, we might as well get another Cirque show in, right?

Then just yesterday I decided I could take Mum and Great Gran to go see The King and I for Christmas (don’t worry – neither of them read this blog!), so I bought tickets for that which is… looking, looking… April 29th for next year! For the first time in years I bought tickets in the stalls – no opera which means no surtitles, no flying cars in the plot which means no potential aerobatics, and so in the stalls we are! About eighth or ninth row towards the centre. 🙂

So, what’s left? Well, I still need to book tickets for Ka in Las Vegas (Take Two!, hopefully we will get to see it this time). Tickets for Beatles Love in Las Vegas maybe, and potentially tickets for Varekai in Beaumont Texas… Keith is threatening me with tickets to ice hockey games *groan* but I am going to see what I can do to get out of that. Still, sooo many tickets! What’s a girl to do!

UPDATE:

I’ve been busy booking more tickets – this time for Vegas. We have got tickets booked for Penn and Teller, because I really think this is something that Mr K will enjoy. Personally I have no idea, though I do find it kinda odd that their seating plan is arse about and the stage is at the top of the picture. 😀

And… We also have tickets for Ka! Yep, second time is a charm, I am hoping. After missing out during my last trip to Las Vegas, I am really looking forward to going and seeing this. Fourth row, centre! Awesome.

And because I am in Las Vegas, and it is the best show in town, I decided to go see ‘O’ again. Mr K wasn’t interested… I know! What is wrong with this man?!? So I am going on my ownsome and leaving him to gamble. Could be dangerous – the gambling that is.

But wait! There’s more! While we are in New York and in a most fortuitous turn of events, it appears that one of my favourite operas is on – La Bohéme at running at the Metropolitan Opera. The Met Opera House at the Lincoln Centre is HUGE, and tickets are beyond ridiculously expensive so we are going to be sitting in the Dress Circle where you can nab a seat for around $150-$200 each, and unfortunately for Mr K, this is the third balcony… which might be a tad interesting given his severe aversion to heights! 😀

No doubt this means I am going to have to rethink my wardrobe choices for our trip. It’s going to be cold and for me that means casual because Brisbanites are not normally people who own lots of evening wear for cold weather! And, I’m not so sure the regular Met Opera patrons would appreciate a couple of random Australians rocking up in jeans and sneakers and hoodies!

UPDATE:

OMG… I knew this was going to cost me, only I thought it would just be money. Mr K is retaliating for all this culture and opera and theatre and stuff and it involves… (Oh the abject horror of it all!)… attending sporting events! I obviously didn’t think this through. O_o

First he’s booked tickets to go see the Washington Capitals play the Vancouver Canucks (which I think is ice-hockey, but I could be wrong) for March 16th at the Verizon Centre in Washington. From what I understand he’s got good seats (Section 121, Row E, Seats 1&2)… something to do with being towards the centre and his team aiming for that end twice?!? I can smell the beer swilling, nacho munching puck-heads from here!

He’s still at it though! Apparently his favourite team, the Toronto Maple Leafs (I hate them already… don’t they know it should be Leaves not Leafs!) are playing against the New Jersey Devils while we are in New York. Now ordinarily, I’d say ‘Newark isn’t in New York, hon.’ and hope he’d drop it. But apparently the trains are really good so it’s not that long to get out there and oh well, I am dragging him to Flushing to see Amaluna, so we are going. Seats this time determined by ‘getting as close to the boards’ as possible.

Also, he says the Leafs (*twitch twitch*) are playing quite well at the moment, so there is a good chance they will win this game, but we can’t gloat about it if they do or we will never make it out of New Jersey alive! Fuck me dead! Maybe I better get myself a HockeyRoos jersey or something.

Awww, shit. Apparently there’s more… the Boston Celtics are playing the Chicago Bulls while we are in Boston. Now, I am pretty sure that is basketball and if it gets me out of a baseball games that goes for god knows how many hours, then I am in. 🙂 Celtics are sitting 8th in their division (at the moment, this of course could change) and the Bulls are just outside that… so fighting to get into the play offs. This one I can get behind – at least I know the damn rules! 🙂 Unfortunately though, with two such well known teams, tickets are at absolute sandy lube, arse rape prices (up to $620pp)… so it’s up in the nose bleed section of the bleachers for us.

According to the all knowing Interwebs, the view will be something like this, (but a little more central), so not as bad as I thought and will definitely fun to just be there. Seeing we will be sitting in an entire house of Celtics fans, I think I’ll root for the Chicago Bulls. 😛

Fingers crossed, that is it for the Operation Opera Retaliation. :/

John Cleese assessment of Europe

Posted on August 27, 2013 by borysSNORC

ALERTS TO THREATS – IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short…

John Cleese – Still Brilliant.

Posted on December 7, 2012 by borysSNORC

I just love the internet.. It’s the accessibility of the intellectual meanderings of someone such as John Cleese totally make up for accessibility of the banal deliberatings offered by those such as Dita von Teese! 🙂

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have, therefore, raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

I Blame Squish

Posted on November 22, 2012 by borysSNORC

I’ve become hooked on Jimmy Carr videos. He’s a study in diametric opposition – an interesting juxtaposition of crude, coarse, common and vulgar in a Saville Row suit with a baby face and a smooth British accent. He looks just like the sort of guy you could take home to tea and scones with your Gran… until he opens his mouth, whereupon he drops more C-bombs per minute than any other TV personality or comedian I’ve ever seen. God, he’d give Daleyacunt and Fuckin’Fuckhead a run for their money in the potty mouth stakes without blinking.

His humour is crass and inappropriate and nothing is sacred – incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, your mom – he’s one of those quick witted and pithy comedians, deals with hecklers with shrewd and unbelievably insulting come backs that are so disproportionate in their response that the offender himself often ends up laughing his arse off at the verbal evisceration he just endured. He says the most outlandish and offensive things… and even though you know what he is saying is not only socially unacceptable it’s often absolutely reprehensible and therefore should not be amusing – you can’t help yourself but laugh with complete incredulity if nothing else.

Anyway, saw this image today on Facebook… and it made us think of Jimmy Carr immediately!