Things can always get better….

I’ve stayed behind to day to potter around the cottage and try and rest up.  I’m exhausted… partly because I’m not sleeping so well on an unfamiliar bed and partly because I’m not used to spending so much time with people who aren’t my family.

To a certain extent I often feel like I am ‘on show’… to borrow a phrase from my old Disney Store days.  We used to have a personaor attitude  that we were encouraged to adopt when we were out on the floor and dealing with the customers – everything we did and everything we said needed to exude an atmosphere of fun, happinness, childish innocence and play.  Often when I’m with people a lot I feel like I’m ‘on show’ because I subconsciously seem to put a lot of fucking effort into trying to appear as though I have all my ducks in a row.. which means I often feel like I spend a lot of time and energy pretending I’m okay.

I think it’s because I don’t want people to worry about me and also becasue I don’t want people to think I’m lazy or not hard working.  And I dont want to be percieved as weak or I dunno… incompetent?  useless?  non contributing?  It shits me to tears that I know people who can work and they either don’t or don’t want to… and I desperately want to get back to a normal life where I can look after myself, my family, my house but I CAN"T.  🙁

So feeling crap today particularly because I’ve been hanging out with Narc and Yale so much and I think I’ve been trying so hard to act like everything is okay when it really isn’t.  😐

Tell me what you think