I ran away from home a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure why, but it seemed like a very attractive idea at the time. I have been thinking a lot about whether or not to resume IVF down the track, or how can I go about reconciling myself to having just one child. I felt that in order to sort this out, I needed to exhaust all my options. So, I started researching surrogacy to see if we would be viable candidates. There is a lot of appeal in trying surrogacy, it might have presented us with the ability to have more children before IVF sends me crazy. I tried to wheedle information out of the clinics down south over the phone, but as soon as you say you are from Queensland (and they always ask), they say they can’t help you.

So I went to see a couple of doctors, one in Sydney and one in Canberra, under the pretense of recently having moved and wanting to transfer my embryos to their clinic blah, blah, blah. And the Readers Digest version of what occured is that, we would not be considered suitable for the surrogacy program beause we have a child already. Which as far as they are concerned means I have a viable chance of bearing more children as I am ony 33. Due to my young age (in fertility stakes anyway), they do not believe that we have exhausted all other options. Apparently, we could still apply to access surrogacy facilites, but it is extremely unlikely that we would be approved through the various ethics and legal committees that they require you to be vetted by.

It is all good and well for them to say that I will mostly likely have success on IVF eventually, but it is the EVENTUALLY that I am not coping with. I am tired of thinking about it, and depressed about the fact that we have stopped and I feel like we are marking time – doing nothing and as such, have no hope of achieving a result. Wasting time really.

My father in his lecture before I went away, was adamant that surrogacy would all end in a nightmare, and no matter how much I tried to tell him that I didn’t even know whether it was going to be an option that was available for us, he make it quite clear that in his opinion, I shouldn’t even be considering it, as it was fraught with emotional turmoil. My sister who seems so keen to stick her two cents in, felt that heading down this path was going to ruin my marriage, and that if I didn’t accept my little family the way it was, I was risking losing Hubby and all. Mum tries to make out like she understands what is motivating me, but I can tell that she doesn’t really get it either, but at least she isn’t making derisive commentary along the way. Why can’t they see that this is just something that I had to do. As it turns out, it has all been for naught, but at least I know that now, and am not sitting around saying ‘What if…?’
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I went to see my Dad this afternoon, and he started to lecture me too. I can’t get away from it. I think they must have had a meeting, “well, we can see she is coming apart at the seams, so how about we all help it along a bit”. Coming from Dad, it is even harder to take. Here he is, dying of MND, and outwardly at least, he seems totally at peace with his situation. He has accepted it, sees no point in fighting the situation, has resigned himself to what is inevitable. If he can accept his own tragic hand, why can’t I just accept mine? I feel like my head is exploding, and I can’t verbalise any of this to anyone, even Hubby only gets a smattering of it.

Maybe they are all right. I should just forget about it! I should accept things they way they are! I should learn to be happy with what I’ve got! I am curious to know what makes my family think that in saying these things they are being helpful? or supportive? If one more person feels they have the right to offer unsolicited advice on how it would be better for me to become accustomed to my situation, I am going to jump in my goddamn car and just leave.

I just want to feel happy for a while
I want to stop crying at the drop of a hat
I would like for something good to happen for all of us – anything
I dont want to feel ‘less than’ a woman anymore
I desperately want to have some fun and forget about all this bullshit for even a little while

Is that too much to ask?
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Another fun afternoon. My sister came over today to tell me that she is concerned about my marriage. Though why the fuck she thinks it is any of her business I’ll never know. The nuts and bolts of it was that she decided she had to come and tell me that I NEEDED to give up on IVF and having more children all together. In her infinite wisdom, she felt that I was going to destroy my marriage if I continued to pursue it. Oh, and the kicker that everyone seems to be sprouting at me lately – ‘You should be happy with what you have.’

I SHOULD be happy with my life.
I should BE happy with my life.
I should be HAPPY with my life.

But for some reason that defies logic, I want more. I couldn’t believe it. She has no idea what goes on between me and Hubby, no one does. I can honestly say that my marriage is just about the only thing in my life I am NOT worried about. My reaction was not great – I am sure I could have exercised a bit more tact and diplomacy than my ‘get your shit together and get the fuck out of my house’ response. I dont expect her to understand what I have been through, and I dont expect her to understand how I feel, but for her to sit in my house, with her baby at her feet, and one on the way, and tell me that I should just be happy with what I have pissed me off like you wouldn’t believe. It is so easy for her to sit there and say that we should be accepting of our individual situations, when she is happily reaping everything she wants with little of no effort.

Given that they all say they dont have any idea what it is like to deal with infertility, why is it that everyone feels so free to tell me what I SHOULD be doing about it.
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Hubby vacated the premises during the week, in order that I might have some time to myself to get my head together. So far we have managed to avoid telling most people about this, as I dont think they would understand. (Given the reaming that I have been receiving from my family over the past few weeks, I think that is probable). And I dont care to spend the time and energy explaining ourselves to people in order that they do understand. We have, what I think is a very special and unique relationship, which not everyone can get their head around. Just because we may choose to spend time apart, or with other people, or pursuing individual interests, doesn’t mean we are experiencing difficulties. If anything, Hubby giving me some space is a mark of his absolute trust in me, and his certainty that our relationship is solid. I am glad that he understands that my wanting time to myself doesn’t mean I am unhappy with him, or us.

It has been strange being in the house on my own, but not so strange as this weekend turned out to be.
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