Ophidiophobia

Posted on February 18, 2008 by borysSNORC

On the weekend I put two things (well several actually but only two that are under discussion here) on the grocery list… marshmallows so I can make a hot chocolate or two while this wet weather keeps up… and snakes – because you can’t get a Frozen Coke at 1am no matter how much cajoling, verbal abuse and/or promises of sexual favours are proffered. The marshmallows came home in the shopping without any noteworthy incident, but what on earth happened to my snakes? In all fairness I guess they came home too… but in all honesty what came home was some pathetic and miserable, piss poor, diluted version of that small felicity that is… the lolly snake.

What sort of misguided and ill advised attempt at healthy shopping causes someone to bring home ‘all natural’ (and I use the term loosely) lolly snakes that are artificial colour and artifical flavour free? Dammit but it’s the artificial colours and flavors that make the little buggers worth eating! Soooo not happy with my wash. 😐

PS – If I weren’t railing against the injustice of having been delivered the most bland snakes available at the market for ready money, then I’d have to be here ranting about the WorkCover Nazis again who seem determined to see how much they can poke Borys before she pops like a piñata…

….. but as those who truly know me can attest – I’m ever a silver lining and cup is half-full sort of gal (scoff)… so at least when my head does explode like a piñata, it’d be filled with 99.9%fat free snakes with no artificial colours or flavours. 🙁
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Dry your eyes Dorothy.

Posted on February 13, 2008 by borysSNORC

Years ago, probably about ’94 or ’95, not long after my third car accident, I was having a lot of difficulty with constant pain – not as bad as it is now, but constantly present none the less. I was going through what they call Adjustment to Injury Counseling – which is a euphemism for ‘Suck it up Princess this is your life now – get used to it’ therapy. Psycho-babbling bullshit is what it is. With or without the trick cyclists, one thing I have learned about chronic pain… is that it turns you into a monumental pain in the arse and before too long you’re no longer the person you want to be and anyone who held you in any esteem whatsoever eventually starts to avoid you because either…

A) you’re a miserable complaining bag of pain bones and no fun to be around…
B) pain makes you really short tempered and your tolerance for ‘people’ is seriously diminished…
C) you can’t go scuba diving/water skiing/abseiling/bush walking anymore and people stop inviting you
or D) any combination of the above.

The result of course is that you eventually find out who your friends are… they need not necessarily be your ‘real’ friends per se, perhaps they’re just your more tolerant friends?!?! I dunno. What I do know is that most people started avoiding me… no doubt in some large part due to my avoiding them. Happy pain free people have this amazing way of pissing you off with their sympathy. I know it sounds stupid – but you just don’t really want sympathy from people who have absolutely zero understanding of what it’s like to be constantly in pain – it just starts to sound insincere at some point….. or maybe I just don’t want to be pitied. I dunno.

Anyway, I worked hard…. really fucking hard to change the things in my life that I could in order to overcome the daily issues that a ’10-15% residual incapacity of spinal function’ (PI lawyers are scum… scratch that – most lawyers are scum) left me with. Quit my job, traveled, went back to uni, made and just learned to live with what I’d be dealt. Stuck on my bedroom mirror these last 6 or 7 years at least has been a quote :

and I believed in that for years. Every day I would read that damned quote stuck to my mirror and remind myself that I should just try my hardest to ignore the back pain bullshit. I tried hard not to think too much how pain impacted on my daily life, and I deliberately distracted myself from the inevitable frustrations caused by the limitations back pain presents and I worked exhaustively not to let on to the people around me just how bad it was. I mean there was a lot of energy expended in literally grinning and bearing it. I hid behind wearing bright coloured clothing – people don’t notice the expression behind your eyes when they’re blinded by candy pink tops. I discovered that a low cut decolletage and a pair of DDs were equally effective in distracting certain company and most of the time I just kept my shit to myself…. and most of the time it worked. Mr K could always see through me, and for some reason Dr IVF used to see through it too (though I don’t know how/why) Sometimes it got on top of me – usually when I was overly tired or stressed.

Problem at the moment is… the pain is now much, much worse and my normal coping mechanisms ain’t cutting the mustard. So now I see the quote and I think – Voltaire’s a fucking wanker who doesn’t know shit from Shinola (what the hell is Shinola ???) Cos it don’t matter how much or how much or how little I ‘dwell’ on my misfortunes…. they’re right there following me around every minute of every day anyway. Following me around and fucking me over.
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This too is just a really pretty meadow….

Posted on February 9, 2008 by borysSNORC

It is a strange little quirk of human nature that we sometimes quote memorable lines from movies to evoke a particular feeling or relevant sentiment…. and it’s strange how some screen moments stay with you forever and others are gone by the time the credits roll. I think I must be one of those people who quote movies a lot because I find I often have to explain myself when the reference is lost on someone. I’m not sure why I do this – I like to think it’s because I appreciate an elegant turn of phrase but it’s probably more likely due to having a sense of humour that has a fine appreciation for the absurd. Who knows… but it does seem to happen quite frequently.

For example.. every time I hear someone saying the word ‘charisma’… I get an instant replay of Pauly Shore as Crawl in Son In Law saying “You’ve got ka-riz-ma” and Becca says “What’s that?” (referring to the screwdriver he has in his hand) and Crawl answers “A special quality of leadership that captures the popular imagination and inspires allegiance and devotion.” And I have to bite my tongue from uttering that definition!

In our house the phrase: “It was just a really pretty meadow” is regularly doled out to hang shit on someone who has just related a particularly boring or redundant story thanks to the phrase being used in the movie Threesome by a doe-eyed blonde bimbo who told an insipid little tale over the dinner table to her sarcastic and dry witted dinner companions. Threesome is also responsible for the “I need new shoes” quote being associated with a sense of unidentifiable emotional disquiet … Oh and let’s not forget the “She’s so sweet” which gets trundled out when we find ourselves describing someone of doubtful intellectual capacity. (God we’re horrible).

Another one heard with alarming regularity at Chez Borys is the Eddie Izzardism “Are you happy with your wash?” from Unrepeatable…. which has become a generic phrase of enquiry as to satisfaction with someone’s purchase or particular project. This one goes something like, “I finally finished making my flemish gown” … “Cool. Are you happy with your wash?” or maybe “I just got a new mobile phone.” …. “Excellent! Are you happy with your wash?” and so on and so forth. There’s many other Izzardisms in our everyday vocabulary too – “Bunch of flowers!” (used when presenting anything with a flourish) and “Cake or death?” (when offering anyone a choice between two of anything) and my favourite “Help!!! I’m covered in Bees!!!” (when overwhelmed in the kitchen/office/workplace etc).

So all these little in jokes are all good and well… until you someone new comes into your social circle and then you find yourself constantly explaining your little idioms and wanting to inflict all your favorite old movies etc on them so they will understand why you’re blurting out Pride and Prejudice quotes like “All young ladies are accomplished… they sing, play, dance, speak French and German, sew screens and I know not what!” at irregular intervals at dinner parties. Perhaps we should just try and speak more in plain English :S

Catholic literally means ‘universal’

Posted on February 1, 2008 by borysSNORC

Day Three of Operation Faith Feint. The Undercover Operative, Small Child, has been sent on a most sensitive diplomatic mission – to infiltrate his new educational environment whilst simultaneously dissembling a knowledge of, and adherence to, a religious doctrine to which he has no previous exposure.

Daily debrief:

Mom: Did you have a good time at your new school today Bub?
Small Child: It was great! I got to sit with my new friend, and I got to play and I ate all my lunch.
Mom: Sounds great kiddo.
Small Child: Ahuh…. *pause* but I don’t like the imagining God thing. It’s boring.

Operation status: Absolute failure – imminent.
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School Daze

Posted on January 30, 2008 by borysSNORC

It was the Small Child’s first day at my old primary school today and I was admittedly curious to see how he would adapt to all the changes… new uniforms, new surrounds, new classmates… new teacher… new everything. And while it was new everything for the Small Child, it turns out it was old everything for me. Walking into his classroom took me on an instant trip down memory lane, it was the exact same room that I was in for Grade Two (and here I’m carbon dating myself) back in 1978. Sure it felt like the room had shrunk and the black boards were replaced with whiteboards, and the desks were no longer those lift up wooden ones that you had to hold up with your head or else they’d fall down and crush your little hands, but it felt exactly as I remember it!

BigSal, Borys and LittleTish (c. 1981)

What an amazing coincidence that he was going to be in my old classroom… and it gets better. His new teacher Mrs W looked vaguely familiar when I walked in…. and lo and behold, turns out to be the exact same teacher that I had when I did Grade Two in that exact same classroom exactly 30 years ago! Only she was Miss S back then. 🙂 Which is really totally cool…. and at the same time a little creepy. 🙂 Can’t wait to tell Equinom as she was in my class back then too.

So it seems like he settled in quite well and had a pretty good first day – he tells us the teacher asked lots of questions and he knew most of the answers, so he was very excited. Now all I have to wait for is the day he ‘outs’ us as bad little Catholics by saying something like “God? What’s that?” (Ahem…. is it getting a little warm in here?) I did try to carefully explain to him (okay… it felt more like I was warning him) that at his new school, the teachers may on occasion encourage the entire class to … well… pray. His response was (predictably) “Huh??”

So yeah…. I’m thinking the Godless heathens tag will be stapled to our file sooner rather than later at this rate. :S