Flinders

It’s been a very very draining day.   Today, my mother, myself and my sisters went to Straddie to spread my father’s ashes out at one of his favourite places on Flinders Beach.   I totally wasn’t looking forward to this.  I worked until midnight last night and then had to get up early this morning to get on the barge to Straddie.  As we drove towards Cleveland…. me chugging down on a V for breakfast in a desperate hope that I might become compis mentis enough to not drive us into a ditch – and them chatting away as though we’re off for a lovely picnic day out or something ….. I realized I really … REALLY didn’t want to go.  I just felt absolutely no inclination what so ever to be a part of this.

Over the past couple of weeks, it’s become very apparent that my father’s passing away has hardly affected me at all.  And in fact, I find myself more upset about the fact that I’m not upset … than I am about having actually lost him.  Last week, a friend was asking me how the family was coping, and she said she couldn’t begin to imagine what we must be all going through….   😐   Well upon hearing that, I had to sit there and ask myself why I wasn’t going through anything?  Since Dad died, I’ve mostly felt a huge sense of relief… relief that he’s no longer stuck in his rebellious body… relief that my mother is no longer working herself to the bone caring for him… relief that I wasn’t called on to help him die after all…. relief that it’s all over essentially.   So mostly I dont feel that I’ve been going through anything….. let alone ‘unimaginable’ grief.  

And recognizing THAT… makes me feel guilty…. with a capital G.    What sort of heartless baggage feels so little over her own father’s death???  

But for better or worse, I was on this god awful day trip whether I liked it or not.   IN the end we did what we went for…. spent the day doing the little traditional Straddie family holiday things, walking the scenic route around Point Lookout, eating ice blocks sitting atop Adder Rock, buying liquorice at the Mintee Street shop and going for a nice long walk up Flinders Beach.  We found the spot where the freshwater meets the ocean and here was where Mum wanted to place his ashes.   Quite predictably as soon as those ashes were released from the urn, my Mum, and both my sisters all ended up in tears…. while I stood there… watching them… trying not too feel so distant… trying to give them hugs and support… and yet….. mostly I remember being suddenly grateful for my reflective Oakley sunnies…. as it meant they couldn’t notice that I wasn’t even remotely upset.   😐

Tonight, I feel like I must be a truly awful person.   I feel cold, distant, unemotional and heartless…. almost devoid of normal human feeling. That’s how I currently see myself, in light of my inability to muster a single tear of farewell for my Dad… or if not for that… then one might expect some sense of empathy with my mother’s grief…  but I got nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

What is wrong with me????    🙁
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Burn burn burn

My Dad, who was normally a rather serious and often even stern individual,  used to recite a little poem to us when we were kids.  It has stuck in my head I guess cos it was rare to see my Dad indulging in nonsense at all, and this one was dolled out regualarly.  I remember him first recounting it for us over at Straddie and then BigSal and myself rock hopping around Point Lookout reciting it  –

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Picking his nose like mad
Rolling them into little balls
And flicking ’em at his Dad!

We thought it was hilarious at the time, and I always thought was a stupid little thing to be taken about as seriously as a limerick.  The other day I was wondering if there was more to it than that… maybe it had more nonsense verses out there somewhere… maybe it would be a good one to teach to Angel to take to school 🙂   So I did a bit of a hunt around and found some more parodies  –

The boy stood on the burning deck
Playing a game of cricket
The ball flew down his trouser leg
And hit his middle wicket!

The boy stood on the burning deck
Eating a tuppeny Walls*
A bit dropped down his trouser leg
And paralysed his balls!

Anyway, what mostly came up about this poem wasn’t nonsense at all.  The original poem that has spawned these was called Casabianca and was written by a woman named Felicia Hemans.  It’s a tragically serious poem that commemorates the courage (fear?) of a small boy of about 12/13 who wouldn’t desert his post when his ship, L’Orient, was on fire and sinking during the Battle for the Nile in 1798 for fear of disappointing his father or perhaps…. and more likely, fearing retribution for doing so.   So the actual opening lines of the poem reads –

The boy stood on the burning deck
Whence all but he had fled
The flame that lit the battle’s wreck
Shone round him o’er the dead.

And now I find that the parodies aren’t so funny anymore.  My Dad was obviously forced to study this poem in primary school and no doubt to recite it from memory ad nauseum in that especially torturous delightful way educators use as they attempt to drill appreciation of poetry into the heads of unwilling children.  (I have rather traumatic Clancy of the Overflow memories that resemble this myself!).   Anyway this poem is well worth a read and while you’re at it say a little thanks for not being born in Victorian England.

 * I have no idea what that is…??
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Goliath

I’ve been so busy the last few weeks, and stressed out the wa-hoo (though I’m not entirely sure what/where a wa-hoo is ?!?!)  I started a new job the day after my Dad passed away, and it’s the first full time job I’ve had since 1994.  My first day was a nightmare, I woke up and procrastinated about whether or not I should even turn up.  I didn’t want to go because I felt  like an emotional train wreck, and I wanted to be around in case Mum wanted us, but then I wanted to go because I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity.  In addition to this I was concerned that everyone would think I was a heartless baggage for going to work the day after my father passes away!  I felt absolutely drained and my decision making abilities were shot to sh!t.   Definitely not your typical Monday morning.  In the end I did go to work, partly cos of Dad.  He was always the pragmatic one, and I could almost hear him, saying ‘get over it and get on with it’.  Though he would have definitely worded it in a kindlier fashion.

We’ve been in training for the last few weeks, and the poor trainers have been trying to smash a veritable encyclopedia of telecommunications information into our unwilling heads over the duration.  I’ve been struggling a bit, most of the group (30 of us – I’m the only girlie) have fairly significant IT backgrounds, and have a much better grasp of the material than I do.  The job itself is going to be something that I will be quite good at once I get a grip on the resources I think.  I am sure it will all come together over the next few weeks, but it’s been a very steep learning curve for me.  The wireless broadband stuff is giving the long term staff there headaches, so no wonder I’m not feeling confident.  😐

So between dealing (or not) with my polarized feelings about Dad passing away, worrying about Mum, maintaining the rage over BigSal’s behaviour and coming to grips with grasping the requirements of my new job….. I’ve been feeling a little bit on the stressed side.  Not sleeping great, tension headaches, problems with my hearing and of course, the obligatory cracked tooth.  Whenever I am under ridiculous amounts of stress, it manifests itself in a tendency to clench my jaw while I sleep.  I don’t grind my teeth exactly, just clench them and this causes problems for one of my front bottom teeth – which tends to quite literally crack under pressure.  A little chip cracks off and then it’s off to the dentist to have him fix it….. again!

Dad

Thanks everyone for your support and warm words this week, It’s been a rather trying week as you might expect, but the emails, SMSs, phone calls and cards I’ve received from so many friends, both near and far, have been really wonderful.  It’s nice to know that you’re in the thoughts of so many people when you’re dealing with something as difficult as losing a parent, and doubly comforting to know that people care so much.

My father wasn’t a flamboyant or flashy sort of character, he was far too practical and down to earth for that sort of thing.  He was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known and was always available for sensible advice.  Dad was known for his dignity, integrity and his deep strength of character.  The way he handled living with MND demonstrated just how strong he was time and again.

He had an amazing and sometimes obscure sense of humour, and a keen appreciation for harmless practical jokes.  Strangely enough though he must have been the worst joke teller I have ever known – he’d always crack up long before the punch line, and be unable to finish telling it, so if no one else knew the ending, we’d all be sitting there waiting for him to compose himself.

Dad didn’t live a big life, he didn’t touch thousands, he didn’t gain the notice of the masses, but those who knew him, and those he touched will never forget the incredible qualities he possessed, and his generosity in sharing them with us.

memorial poem memorial poem memorial poem

Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a rivers peaceful flow.
I am the sun warming the plain.
I am the gentle summer’s rain.
When the bush is still and hush’d
I am the dawn’s slow creeping blush.
I am the birds in graceful flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
For this is farewell but not goodbye.

memorial poem

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Dad’s Condolences

It’s always hard to think of the right thing to say when someone passes away, I know I’ve always had difficulty coming up with something sincere and heartfelt when your friends are in pain.  Thank you everyone who send condolences… me and the family really appreciate your thoughts at this time.


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Sorry to hear about your father. I hope despite the sorrow of this occasion it heralds an opening of new opportunities for both you and your family. Forgive my formality, it’s just my way when it comes to issues of mortality.  I’ll write again later after you and the family have had time to sort through things.

Once again my condolences.
 
MD

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borys
i am so sorry.  actually i dont know whether to feel sorry, relieved, both.

i am very sad that i will not be at the funeral as i feel as much a part of your family as my own.  please keep that in mind if you/ your mum/ angus (etc) feel the need to get the flock out of town for a few days, we can head up to the apartment when i get back

with much affection, 
equinom

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Hi Borys,

I just head about your Dad.  I was going to call you, but thought I would leave you alone with your family.
I am very sorry about your loss.  Please pass on my condolences to Toni as well.  You know that if you ever need anywhere to run away to, there’s a bed here for you anytime you need it.  My phone is always on as well. 
All my prayers and good thoughts are going  your way.

Love you chick, Look after yourself.

JJJ

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From our family to yours, our deepest condolences at this time with much love
Humbibble, Higgsy and Parents.
xxoo

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Babe,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I know it was a long time coming and am thankful that in the end he went peacefully in his sleep... Email is not the place for this, so I will just say that I love you and am here for you if you need anything.

Love
Miss CL

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Dear borys, Mr K and Angel,

We are all so sorry to hear about your dads passing.  

If the funeral is a small family affair we totally understand, but if it is ok to attend then we would like to be there to support you and yours and give our respects to your dad.

Could you please let us know either way, by email or phone, if I don’t hear from either Keith or you I will call you soon just in case you are not checking messages.  

If there is anything we can do to help you through this difficult time, please don’t hesitate to ask.
We’re thinking of you.

JessFA, GoddessBek, BsM and family


Hey Borys
Sorry to hear about your Dad.  I tried to call you a couple of times, I hope you’re alright. Will definately have some drinks with you on the weekend. Please let me know if I can do anything at all.
Darkman

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Hi borys

I hope you’re okay, please accept my deepest sympathy. I love you and you have my shoulder if you need it.
Love
KissB!tch

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My condolences borys.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad.  My heart felt sorrow goes out to you.
 
SirPhil

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Borys
My thoughts are with you and your family.  Look after yourself and each other and if you need anything just call
x Jenni

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Hi Borys

I am sorry to hear your sad news.  I send my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Wystan

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Hi Borys,
I’m thinking of you and your family especially today. I love you a great deal and am very glad for our friendship.  If you need anything, just ask.
Darkman

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Hi Borys,
Sorry to hear about your Dad.  I’m sure you have had lots of offers, but if there is anything we can do, let us know.
Lorcan & Mrs Lorcan

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Hi Borys

I am very sorry to hear about your dad.  I’m  not sure if its ok to call so thought I would send an email first.
My thoughts are with you.  My phone is always on if you need to chat.

Take Care
Tinker

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Dear Borys,

 

My heart goes out to you and your family at this time and if there is anything I can do, please let me know. 
I will still attend your birthday when it is held on the 10th though.  It will be nice to catch up.

 

Love Always,

 

WOliver

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Hey darling,

I don’t know what I can do if anything. But I am thinking of you and your family and sending hugs and love.

James72

(no need to reply if you don’t feel like it)

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Hey Borys

Just to let you know my thoughts are with you.   I know what it is like and no matter how well prepared you think you are for this, it still hurts to the core.  But then it shows how much we loved them and what an impact they made upon our lives.

Take care of yourself and my love to your family

DenMa

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Dear Borys,
I was sorry to hear of your family’s loss ,I can remember how numb and sad at the same time I felt when Norm died. If there is anything you need that I can help with please ask.
Lilith
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