Setting out to cruise around beautiful New Zealand for the third time, this time on the Sea Princess. Previous trips were on the Sun Princess and the Dawn Princess. Looking forward to the exceptional service and relaxing atmosphere of the cruise ship. This is holidaying – no cooking, no packing and unpacking, no driving, no work, no worries!
Day One – Heading out to sea: 28, sunny, zero rain, fairly humid.
- Platinum loyalty circle thing worth it’s weight in gold, no lines, no waiting, no bullshit.
- Dammit, my bags were held for ‘suspicious products’ again! Thought i had taken all my pocket knives out of my luggage. Turns out it was held for suspicious grog.
- As per usual, had a lot of fun watching people getting lost all over the ship. Sea Princess is a sister ship to the Dawn Princess and the Sun Princess, so for us feels all very familiar.
- Met our Room Steward, Rene, asked him about warming up my heat pack in the mornings, he immediately tried to fob it off to the Room Service staff… not a great first impression, Rene. Odds of good tip… fifty/fifty.
- Meet our dinning companions, ‘Chris the Plumber’ from Narangba, who tells us stories about his mates getting drunk and passing out all over the place. Chris has never travelled before. And by ‘never travelled’, I mean NEVER travelled. Anywhere. Ever. Has never been on a plane or been further than Brisbane. And I quote: “I’ve ‘never had no where to go.” End quote. Chris TP’s girlfriend, Tamara, is rather quiet and maintains a perpetually semi-embarrassed composure while Chris is talking.
- Other diners at our table, ‘Brian FuckKnows What He Does Couldln’t Be Arsed Enquiring’, is completely unable to order dinner, because he couldn’t identify what half the items on the menu were… ‘Sirvitchee? Vul air vent? What’s that shit?’ (cerviche and vol au vents). *cringe* Also tells stories of drunk mates passing out and pissing in inappropriate places – what’s with that. Brian FuckKnows’ girlfriend, Lemona/Temona/Femona? is the quintessential non speaking part… kill me now.
- Recognise that I really am a most dreadful (but accomplished!) snob, and think, ‘We are in for a very long cruise with this lot for dining companions.’
- Overheard from an older gentlemen at the next table at dinner: ‘When we were kids we used to play cowboys and Indians with .22s’, which garnered the reply, ‘And these days they give kids guns that shoot foam (scoffing tone)’. Slightly less drunken bogan and marginally more interesting ‘get off my lawn’ culture happening over there, maybe we need to sit with them… How much does one have to slip the Maitre d’hotel to shift tables? :S
- Back in the stateroom. Note to Princess Cruises: eucalyptus soaps, shampoos, body washes etc are pretty exotic if you’re in Alaska. But on a ship with over 1900 Aussies, most of us are just going to end up feeling like we’re bathing in Soothers… that or koala piss.
- Also, there was no guacamole to be found for love or money in the buffet this afternoon. Tres disappointed.
Day Two – Glorious day at sea: 22, sunny, light swell.
- First things first. Engage in very important task… harass the maitre d’hotel to move our table for dinner. It seemed highly likely that was going to slit my throat (or theirs… preferably theirs) if seated beside Chris the Plumber and/or Epicurean Brian for the next two weeks.
- Heard more ‘back in my day the young people had more respect’ conversations from no less than eight people on three different occasions. Either this ship is full of complaining senior citizens or Princess is starting to attract the P&O crowd, which is pissing off the frequent flyers.
- The ship’s onboard entertainment schedule for the day, saw me pulling out a long neglected embroidery projected… not a good start Mr Cruise Director.
- At some point, went looking for peace and quiet in the library… only to discover people treat the area as a thoroughfare and don’t quite understand the ‘libraries are quiet’ spaces concept.
- After being assured by Mr K that the ship’s entertainment is usually fabulous, we went to see a comedian… and I lasted for about five minutes after a strange little guy emerged in a sombrero and mexican rug, bad mo and started to sing. What crap! No laughs were had, no shits were given. Had to surreptitiously sneak out once the house lights were out, kicking the shins of every granny in our row STRIKE ONE.
- NB: Fair weather, but no guacamole sightings today either.
Day Three – Floating on the ocean: 22, sunny, no swell.
- Disturbed by the movie channel on the TV in our stateroom. The Hobbit was on. On repeat. All day. Seems portentous somehow.
- Damn… why is there no guacamole on this ship?!
- Went for a wander round the Promenade before dinner. The ocean is such an appealing shade of blue. So gorgeous. Had strong urge to jump into the ocean from seven floors up, but instead engaged in an interesting discussion about how English has no word for this particular feeling rather than, you know, actually jumping in.
- First formal night. Plenty of over coiffed, over tanned, over made up scary ladies getting around.. one woman in turquoise wearing way too much paste jewellery and looking like an orange leather neck turtle, made high pitched small talk with us as we went in to dinner. Left a lasting impression – avoid her next time we see her around the decks.
- Score in the dining room!! Managed to con the Maitre d’ into seating us at a table for four with some of Mr K’s old work mates who happen to be on the ship… supposed to be only for the night but fingers crossed.
- ‘Bye Polar’ afterdinner mints handed around after a fabulous meal… bwahahaha.
Day Four – Still at sea: 22, partly cloudy but fine. very light swell
- Breakfast in the Horizon court… oddly there is no smoked salmon (a cruise ship staple) out for breakfast, but plenty of rollmops and herrings. I think they’ve misjudged their audience. Go figure. Head for the fruit salad instead.
- Found quiet spot in the Wheelhouse Bar to watch the ocean go by. Was having a lovely relaxing time until we were disturbed by the Sea Princess Pop Choir rehearsals doing ‘Hit the Road Jack’ and ‘Teach the World To Sing’. On repeat … sigh.
- Later in the day enjoying an aperitif in the same Wheelhouse Bar (favourite bar on the ship) listening to the American entertainers doing ‘Down Under’… what’s wrong with this picture? 😀
- Evil plans come to fruition! Scored the table for four in a quiet corner of the dining room with the amusing waiter, Gilmer, for the remainder of the cruise. Let the beaujolais flow and the good times and roll. Au revoir, Chris the Plumber and menu-challenged Brian… we will miss you not a jot.
- Another day at sea – still no sign of guacamole anywhere…very odd indeed!
Day Five – Auckland: 22 showers but clearing in the afternoon.
- Fourth or fifth trip to Auckland… losing count. Third trip at Christmas time.
- Managed to pick up a SIM card – $20 for something like 3GB and ta-da internets ahoy!
- Mistakenly had a horrid burger for lunch at somewhere completely forgettable… should have held out for some good ol’ Kiwi fush and chups.
- Decided to avoid the foul weather by heading to the cinema to see Delivery Man – that’s right, travel the world and go see the inside of a movie threatre folks, it’s what all the jaded and travel weary are doing this summer.
- After the movie I thought I’d go get a massage… FROM HELL. Masseuse doesn’t have much English and I end up feeling like I’ve been keelhauled and know I will regret this decision for at least the next two days.
- Find attempts to escape Christmas have been thoroughly thwarted – came back from being ashore to find ship covered in Christmas decorations… again. Please no carolling!
- Over dinner, I discovered that ‘archeology’ is not just for history nerds but also for 55 year old men who leave hickeys all over their 75 year old girlfriends! Long story, don’t ask.
- Note to self, get Small Child to write a ‘Bucket List’ of sorts.
- Corn chips were acquired ashore, in readiness for what I am sure will be imminent guacamole sightings.
Day Six – Tauranga: Supposed to be raining, instead 22 and sunny. 🙂
- Hazard the Horizon Court for breakfast instead of civilized stateroom breakfast in bed, busy as expected and oddly hot… air con not coping?
- Get a heat pack warmed up in our stateroom in an attempt to soothe my complaining back… Waited patiently for the sports news to finish only to find out I was watching a stupid sports channel. It didn’t end… why didn’t it end?
- Fun fact: Kiwi fruit were bred from Chinese gooseberries. Way to go GMO. (and before you ask, no, I wasn’t participating in trivia competitions)
- Picked up a hire car and spent the day chasing hobbitses. Learned that hobbit holes are even smaller than they look – barely 5′ tall, 4′ deep and dirt floors… they go nowhere. How can the hobbitses live like this?
- Hint for beginners, wear disposable shoes to Hobbiton, take an umbrella, and share a meal at the Shire’s Rest (they’re huge!)
- tweeted @peterjackson ‘Hobbity holes rock. Letterboxes need some work – they don’t open! How can the hobbitses get their royalty cheques?’
- London Pub Night, Adults Only entertainment in the Vista Lounge… thought we were going to get some comedians (potentially crude and/or distasteful ones) instead got the Cruise Director and his crew making fools of themselves. Swing and a miss for the onboard comedy team. STRIKE TWO!
- Finally cave and attempt to order guacamole from room service, only to discover they require six hours notice… WTF? It’s just guacamole!
Day Seven – Napier: 22 and overcast, but very pleasant.
- Lucky number 42 got us off the ship fast as, bro.
- Art Deco this, Art Deco that. Gorgeous altogether!
- Cool shopping, Irish pubs, wine, wine, wine and more wine.
- Classic cars tootling around the bay are way way cool.
- I-site biddies directing people onto buses are really really not.
- Great Gatsby on the big screen tonight which surprises no one… except Mr K who didn’t make the Art Deco/Jazz era connection.
- Beautiful red pōhutukawa Christmas flowers are everywhere… supposed to indicate a long hot summer ahead. Apparently. Well, by NZ standards anyway.
- Getting back on the ship: old guy in front of us, ‘No one told me i needed picture ID to get back on the ship’… Third port. ID required every time, hammered into you over PA system and in daily newsletters. Sigh.
- The guacamole vigil in the Horizon Court continues. Think I might have to slip a little something to the staff up here to keep their eyes peeled.
Day Eight – Wellington: 23 sunny and blue skies. No wind! Glorious.
- Good Morning Rene, and what a delight it is to see your surly disposition this fine morning… yet again. Odds of good tip: diminishing.
- Spent the day hanging out with a guy who lives next door to a guy who writes for Dr Who (3 episodes of last season apparently).
- Went to Gelatissimo on the docks to try some award winning gelato (who knew they had awards for such things?!) The local Dawsum Plum and Pomegranate flavours were awesome.
- Checked out the Victoria Mt lookout… saw the twisty forests that Peter Jackson had his hobbitses hide in when the dementors… err, sorry… wraiths, came looking for them.
- Popped by the airport to see a truck sized Gollum sticking out of a wall and Gandalf flying on a huge eagle above the departure lounges… very cool.
- Went down to the Weta Cave Workshop Tour and didn’t climb the trolls as per instructions.
- Learned how all the movie props were made. Was amused to see all their plastic chain maille is made by hand – they have large stitch and bitch groups being paid to sit around and knit the maille.
- Same employees might get commissioned to make 2000 itty bitty miniature palm trees for a Thunderbirds cartoon?!? Can you say ‘tedious way to be part of the movie industry’?
- Very cool replica Stings in the gift shop, ranging from $6,500 for a regular one to $14,000 for one with scabbard, belt, mirror polish and sharpened. Up to twelves months to get your custom Sting atm. Bit ‘spensive in my humble opinion, but then again that’s NZDollars. 😀
- Noticed that there is something odd about hearing the sales assistant call through to the back of shop asking for ‘five or six more Keys of Erebore, please’.
- No sign of Peter Jackson anywhere. How rood! We came all this way to visit.
- More beautiful red Christmas flower trees everywhere! I love them.
- Mr K discovers that leaving your ID/wallet on the ship is a bad idea… just saying.
- Finally! Guacamole… And all is well with the world.
Day Nine – Akaroa: 19 and raining, clearing in the afternoon
- A cruise ship anchors in Akaroa Harbour and immediately the population of the town quadruples.
- The ship’s shopping hostess tells all pax that there are two ‘must see’ shops in town – the Blue Pearl by the dock, and Fire & Ice gemstones… ‘other than that there is nothing to do in Akaroa’. Nice sell sweetheart.
- Lots of people head to CHCH for the day at $75 each, and discover it ain’t want it used to be … big surprise, huge earthquakes will do that to a place. 🙁
- Got driven out of the Wheelhouse Bar twice today, once by a pianist, a saxophonist and a drum machine practicing Christmas Carols… by the fourth rendition of ‘Have Yourself Merry Little Christmas’ we were out of there!
- Had a light healthy lunch today… that somehow ended with Mr K having three desserts in the buffet? :S
- Wilson (Lotus Spa) soap pile is ever increasing. Have a mild but, containable, urge to send it to little old washer women in Romania.
- Over dinner I learn that I am apparently going to have to learn to wax Mr K’s ears one day… ewww. Thankfully the duck that was on the menu for the evening made up for this alarming inevitability outlined for the future.
- Comedian Al Brown in the Princess Theatre tonight. This is Mr K’s final chance to convince me that the shows on the ships are actually funny. Guy comes out in a shiny black lounge jacket, tells one joke, that might be described as ‘an oldie but a goodie’ and then starts singing… Mr K leans over and says ‘I am so sorry.’ STRIKE THREE!!!
- Back to a dearth of guacamole in the Horizon Court. Short lived victory, now forgotten.
Day Ten – Dunedin: 19 overcast and cloudy, intermittent showers.
- Done and dusted several times before. We’ve seen your chocolate factory. We have seen your brewery. We’ve seen your Lanarch ‘castle’. We’ve seen your Olveston House. We’ve seen your Otago peninsula. We’ve even seen your fairy penguins 90mins north…
- So, we decided to continue on with the hobbity theme of our tour of NZ and went to see the second hobbit movie: The Hobbit, the Desolation of Smaug in 3D at the very beautifully restored Art Deco, Rialto theatre in Dunedin. Movie was pretty good – way cool dragony scenes. In fact, probably the best CGI dragon since the Never Ending Story. 😉
- Had lunch in a cool pub, Mac-something’s, with some nice boutique beers and ciders on tap and kitchy decor.
- Had some obligatory fush and chups – blue cod and fabulous home made tartare.
- Went shopping for possums… and success! Found a lovely charcoal poncho/serape thing that I’m going to take to Festival 😀
- Also popped into The Scottish shop and picked up a 100% wool Lindsay tartan scarf. Nice finds Dunedin, ta.
- Skyped with The Small Child and there was some tears… I miss the little guy and can’t wait for cuddles. He misses home and wants his high speed broadband back.
- Italian dinner in the dining room (Yes, I will have your veal scallopini. No, I don’t want you limoncello in the souvenir shot glass.) Waitstaff in stripey things and a Fillipino named Jesus singing O Sole Mio in quite an accomplished tenor. Beautiful… Wonder fleetingly what Brian FuckKnows made of a spot of opera over dinner.
- On decks, about 10-12 degrees, decided to rug up for the Movies Under the Stars and saw ‘The Way Way Back’. Excellent movie, am totally going to watch that again when we get back home.
- Found some more guacamole! But I’m way too stuffed to actually eat any of it… 😀
Day Eleven – Milford Sound: 19 and overcast, 2m swell and rising.
- 2m swell means the sick bags are back in the stairwells. So glad I have never gotten motion sick myself. The bags are out but I don’t hear any one talking about people being sick or about others heading down to the ship’s doctor for shots… so it can’t be too bad.
- Laze about in bed morning. With poor weather forecast, there is little impetus to rush about the ship to check out the scenery as we cruise through the fjordlands … especially seeing that we have cruised through them twice before.
- Miss the Dusky Sound portion, but got some lovely views of Doubtful and Milford Sounds… once we removed the ‘Do No Enter’ signs from the exits to the Level 10 observation decks 😀
- Been learning all about The Profit – he’s a dude. Need to find more of that for when we get home.
- Been inadvertently catching American advertising – totally grossed out by the ear WaxVac (Google it if you dare… or click that there).
- Dinner was an adventure, both Mr K and Mrs Hobbit couldn’t decide what to have for dinner so our waiter – Gilmer (very persuasive little guy whose name is pronounced like, Happy Gilmore) just bought them two dinners each! And then the others had two desserts each… so much food!
- Tried to order some Baileys on ice… ended up with Galliano instead. Don’t ask.
Day Twelve – All At Sea Again: 19, sunny and gorgeous, 1.5-2m swell.
- Smoother sailing today which seemed to make the old biddies happier and decreased the risk of broke hips and rolled ankles.
- Conned the room service people into bring some hot chocolate from the dining room with our breakfast in bed… best plan ever! Why didn’t we think of this sooner?
- There was Trivia in the Razzamatazz, Ice Sculpting on the Riviera Deck, Carpet Bowls on the Plaza Deck, an Art Auction in the Wheelhouse, Lectures in the Princess Theatre, Souvenir Sales in the Rigaletto Dining Room, Table Tennis on the Sports Deck… and we did exactly none of it.
- Watched Red 2 and pottered around from quiet spot to quiet spot all day.
- Accidentally found ourselves having lunch with the ‘comedian’ Al Brown, today. Wanted to ask him how come he was using thirty year old jokes when he had the internet at his disposal… but he was busy telling the rest of the table how shit hot he was and I thought ‘let sleeping dogs, and comedians who don’t know they’re not funny, lie’.
- Said ‘hi’ to Wilson in the shower… have no idea how many I’ve stashed to bring home – 10 maybe?
- Been asking myself the following question all day – if you’ve been coveting something for the last four years and are now in a position to get it … should you splash out and just do it? (Ed: answer is ‘no’. Apparently you stay sane and sensible).
- Discovered that a bit of tasty, a bit of camembert, and a ball of cream cheese with two crackers, two dried apricots and some dried fig, do NOT a ‘cheese platter’ make.
- The question ‘Should we check out the comedienne that is on tonight?’, was met with a resounding ‘FUCK. OFF.’ And… then we find out tomorrow that she was actually rather good. Sigh.
Day Thirteen – Still at sea: Calm as bro! Only 1-1.2m swell. Flat like pancake.
- We’ve slowed right the fuck down… must have high tailed it out of the fjords too quickly were chuffing along at approximately 21 knots, now feels like about 15 knots or less.
- Still not so much as a smile (or any punctuality) out of Rene our room steward… Odds of good tip: you’re looking a guy heading for an empty envelope. :/
- Special treat for the passengers of the Sea Princess, Sunday Morning Brunch in the formal dining room. NEVER seen such a huge buffet in my entire life, being absolutely destroyed by a locust plague of old age pensioners. Mountains of food (will have to copy the brunch menu in here somewhere). They usually reserve the Sunday Morning Brunch thing for the World Cruise trips, but for some reason threw it out there or us lot.
- Sat with one of THE most annoying women I have ever met in my life (and yes, that even includes Cheryl who I worked with in DEVET&IR for three years)… First time on a cruise ship and was very outgoing – way too outgoing for a Sunday morning. Kept telling everyone how wonderful the cruise was, and how everything was the same, but different, but fun everyday! Oddly enough she didn’t let up upon learning that the two couples constituting her brunch companions, had taken this same cruise three and four times respectively. Just kept telling us how wonderful the cruise was – for about an hour.
- Actually met one of the chefs on board, was nice to get an opportunity to thank him for all his hard work personally, usually all the kudos go via the wait staff etc.
- Can’t get enough of seeing the people in their work out spandex and trainers taking the lifts DOWN to go out for a run on the Promenade… you’re going for some exercise, why on earth aren’t you taking the stairs!?
- Smuggled my Wheelhouse peanuts and a Quay West Cooler cocktail into the Princess Theatre to see Man of Steel, promptly fell asleep – what a shit film.
- Formal night again. Get all tizzied up and teeter around on high heels in the rolling ship, though I’d rather be in sneakers. Lobster on the menu in the dining room – yay! Also Baked Alaska night in the dining room – meh! There is only so many times you can wave your napkin around like a crazy person for half an hour and really mean it.
- Get introduced to the Princess equivalent of their highest Frequent Flyers – Mr and Mrs Bryne who have spent 2066 days at sea. Jebus. And I thought, I was over Baked Alaska night!
Day Fourteen – Love the sea: Gorgeous sunny, 23 degrees. What swell?
- We have slowed to 14knots… obviously limping into Brisbane to make sure we don’t get there too early.
- Breakfast outside on the Lido deck, lovely, lovely. Going to miss this tomorrow.
- Watched some energetic people getting into some Zumba with the Cruise Director’s floozy from London Pub night…
- Saw a culinary demonstration in the Visa lounge. The executive head chef, Remy from Italy, made a salmon and seafood salad sandwich thing (which looked much better than my description implies), a lobster and seafood pasta dish and a Black Forrest cake with enough alcohol to drown my Uncle Dave in.
- After that it was a tour of the galley and I was surprised to see how small the kitchens are seeing they have 183 chefs and cooks preparing over 12,000 meals a day for the two dining rooms, the buffet, the steakhouse, the grill, the pizzeria and other places where the food is at.
- Had a lovely last dinner in the dining room… Gilmer and Defino (drinks waiter) were in fine spirits. Made the mistake of ordering the New York prime rib fillet steak for dinner… HUGE chunk of very tender steak. Such a large meal. Should have stuck with the fish like I usually do.
- Time to pack and get most of our stuff out in the hallways before retiring, so it can all be hustled off the ship before we are even out of bed in the morning.
- Mr K wanted to watch ‘The Internship’ while we were ‘turning in on the ship’ (I know. It’s been a long two weeks 😉 ) but neither of us could be stuffed staying up late to watch it.
Disembarkation Day – Brisbane: 28 – sunny, humid.
- Everyone is elbows out and bashing the grannies out of the way to get at the bagels for breakfast. Seems civility lasts about as long as one can sleep in on the ship… last day people are a bit frantic over breakfast, though why is beyond me – they’re not going to let us off for a few hours yet.
- Have a light breakfast of fruit, scrambled eggs, ham, cream cheese and bagel before heading down to vacate our cabin.
- Platinum priority in the Disembarkation Lounge (previously known as the Wheelhouse Bar) where we wait in comfort with the newspapers, tea and coffee, danish if you want one and a well presented blonde woman calls out the disembarking tickets. Very civilized indeed!
And that at little over 4000 words (hey, brevity has never been my strong suit!), is the Readers’ Digest version of our third cruise around New Zealand. Looking forward to our fourth cruise around New Zealand… possibly same time next year (give or take). Who wants to come with us? 🙂
