April | 2013 | borysSNORC ™

Most people choose food based on what they want to eat, and what they ‘feel’ like eating at the time. Personally, I choose food based on things that I ‘feel’ like eating AND things that will fit into my mouth with some measure of decorum! You see, as it turns out, in addition to having tiny feet, tiny hands and tiny ears… I also have a rather small mouth – enough with the tittering from you lot sitting in the cheap seats – something that my dentist reminds me of every time I front up for a check up and can’t go ‘Aaaah!’ enough for him.

As a result I tend to steer away from really large food… I despise the massive two hander burger, have a love hate relationship with kebabs and burritos, and even choose my sushi judiciously based, not so much on ingredients, but rather what I can eat without invariably dropping half of it down my shirt! Now apparently, when I do attempt to eat large food, I am reliably informed that my eyebrows shoot up as I attempt to enclose the oversized victual with my small jaw… hence the term: Eyebrow Food.

Well, one such prolific vendor of Eyebrow Food is a chain of burger restaurants called Grill’d. They have a wide and varied menu and for the most part their food is very tasty and appears to be much healthier than your run of the mill burger joint. Only problem is that their burgers are about three inches high! And I haven’t got a hope in hell of picking up that thing and fitting it in my gob! 🙁 I have in the past actually been forced to whip out a pocket knife and hack a burger into quarters in order to make them more easily consumed. Long and the short of it is, I rarely go to Grill’d for that reason and for that reason alone, cos basically the food is quite good. Yeah, it’s a bit pathetic really.

Well, I was in there the other day and it seems I might not be alone… they’ve started providing serrated edged steak knives for those of us who can’t wrap their mouths around their ginormous burgers! So kudos to Grill’d for providing some knives, I won’t be so reluctant to go back more often now, but thank a bunch for sticking the boot in while you’re at it and commenting that the small of mouth ‘can’t handle’ your wares.

Yesterday, a heinous tragedy did befall our heroine! The long and arduous road trip from Rowany Festival to BrisVegas is the one time each year when gobbling down on sugary confectionary, not only seems appropriate but becomes absolutely compulsory! As an integral part of the long distance travel experience, one inevitably finds oneself getting tired and lacking in energy; and whether driver or passenger, it’s important to well, you know… stay awake! For a non-caffeine consumer, this often involves copious quantities of sugar, which does indeed aid considerably in this endeavour. After years of trial and error, it has played out that Allen’s Snakes Alive provide the sugar high of choice, and have become one of our favourite road trip necessities.

Unfortunately, this year there have been mysterious and malignant forces at work at the Nestle plant where the Allen’s Snakes Alive are manufactured resulting in the following Incident that will long be etched in the memory …

Unto the manufacturers, distributors and purveyors of the most excellent Allen’s Snakes Alive does Ms Borys of Azerbaijan, send greetings and salutations. I pray you excuse the lamentous tone of this communication but I am compelled to write to inform you of our recent Great and Frightful Yellow Snake Incident.

I was excessively disappointed this long weekend when, upon delving into my favourite road trip confection, I discovered to my dismay a complete absence of yellow snakes! The yellow snake of course, being the preferred snake of Allen’s Snakes Alive connoisseurs the country over.

I duly checked the packaging to ensure that I hadn’t inadvertently chosen a product that was deliberately sans yellow snakes and found the requisite colour and flavour ingredients listed on the packaging, which further escalated confusion and increased my discombobulation and emotional disquiet.

As I watched my travel companion joyfully devour their favourite red and orange varieties (such plebeian palettes you’ve never encountered!), it required all the restraint and composure I could muster not to weep tears of sadness! As such, I immediately resolved to inform your good selves of this gross oversight which I feel must be the result of an egregious failure of what I am certain are usually very high quality control processes and expectations.

I look forward to hearing from your Snake Colour Control Subject Matter Experts regarding what might be done to prohibit such truly horrifying occurrences from scarring future snake lovers across this fine nation.

Yours in Service and Yellow Snake Adoration.
Borys

Yes, I may have spent most of the week at a Medieval festival and… Yes, I had time on my hands due to being stuck in a car. I have to say that the behemoth conglomerate that is Nestle Australia is on top of their customer service game though. Making everything from coffee and milo, to noodles and instant oats, to baby formula and dog food… they’ve got a finger in every pie and I admit I was surprised at how quickly they replied to my overly wordy errr… complaint? In fact it took them barely four hours to send the following response:

Hi Borys,

We are concerned to learn of your experience with your recent purchase of one of our products, ALLENS Snakes Alive.

Prior to packing, the lollies are sorted and blended so that the balance of varieties is fairly even. However, it would appear that the balance of assortments in the packet which was purchased was not to your liking. Although the assortment in the package was not to your particular liking, as we state on the package “Quantity of each lolly may vary.”

Thank you for reporting this matter as it allows us to investigate our consumers concerns. We apologise for this product not meeting your expectations and have arranged to post you a gift card as reimbursement through the mail.

Sincerely,

A. Grunt.
CONSUMER SERVICES ADVISER
Nutrition, Health and Wellness is at the heart of everything we do.

Naturally, we shall find out what a Nestle ‘gift card’ is in due course… but anything is better than getting a cheque in the mail for a mere $2.49 as reimbursement for the disappointing item which then has to be taken to a bank! Urgh. Well done Nestle.
UPDATE – 10th April 2013:
Seeing that I don’t really associate Allen’s Snakes Alive with the Nestlé Corporate Mothership… today I received in the mail a letter from Nestlé having completely forgotten (goldfish!) about the complaint (above) that I wrote last week. Was it really only last week? Their letter pretty much mirrored the email that they sent out last week, ‘here at Nestlé we take customer feedback very seriously; we appreciate you taking the time to let us know you were dissatisfied with your Neslté product; we hope you will continue to enjoy your favourite Nestlé products in the future; and here is a $10 Nestlé giftcard to use on any Nestle products of your choosing!’ I don’t think they could have used their company name in the letter more if they had tried, but they sent out the giftcard as promised, so yay! Go Nestlé, Babykillers and Purveyors of Many Coloured Snakes, Just Not Yellow!

The only remaining mystery in relation to the Great Yellow Snake Incident that is yet outstanding is… how on earth did anyone in their Customer Service Department take my ridiculously wordy complaint seriously at all? Not sure I would have!

Monthly Archives: April 2013

Eyebrow Food

How to: Make a Pretentious Product Complaint.