Wish Q-Build would come fix MY shit.

Okay.  Owning your own home can be awesome.  You can paint the walls any colour you want. You can paint your front door red if it takes your fancy. You can invest in radical stuff like curtains and carpet, permanent fixtures like fancy light fittings and wardrobes and shower heads and decent kitchen appliances, oh my!. You can put holes in the wall to hang your artworks and pictures where ever you want to.  Put stickers all over the place if you like, hell you can even paint a trompe l’oeil in your entry hall if you have the skill and inclination… because well, they’re your goddamn walls !

However, it can also be a right royal pain in the arse.  The hot water system will die, and likely in the middle of winter and likely when the bank account can least handle a sudden unexpectedly large infrastructure bill.  Tree roots will start destroying a fence or cracking some paving requiring an expensive tree surgeon.  Your fly screens/security screens need replacing and you have to find the coupla thousand dollars required to get new ones. The motor in the roller door in the garage will die in the arse just after you’ve paid your ever inflating power/rates/insurance bills and you have to find the dosh to replace it.  Then for some mysterious reason your house will start tripping every time you turn on the microwave and the electric kettle at the same time and you will have to call an electrician to come and investigate who won’t even have the decency to bring his own lube!

BUT, if you’re living next door to Azerbaijan and any of these things go wrong… you can just call Q-Build and they rock up in their little white vans and come and fix it for you. I can’t describe how depressing it is to see those Q-Build vans in the driveway next door and know that all their homeowner woes are being taken care of by the government at the tax payers expense.  Sigh.  Sometimes it feels like the harder you work to get ahead, the less help you get.  The less work and more hand outs you get, the ever increasing help you seem to get.  Where’s the balance in this situation?

My 14th Festival… but not in a row.

Another year, another Festival

Had very low expectations of the weather and conditions this year so came equipped with woolen clothes, rubber boots, crocs (urgh) and even a Drizabone poncho big enough for two! And wouldn’t you know it… only one short lived period of rain for the entire duration! WIN!!!  It’s like the time half a dozen of us went out to buy umbrellas to take to my brother-in-law’s wedding and then we didn’t get a single drop… feels like the weather gods know when you’re all prepared and just go, ‘Meh, what’s the fuckin’ point?’.

Painted Medieval Pavilion Sabine du Bourbonnais

Festival 2012 has been fantastic. We had a smaller campsite than usual, but it still felt like it was overflowing with fabulous friends, food, fun and frivolity.  And of course, Festival was as informative this year as it always is. With so many avid medievalists and historical research buffs in one place you can’t help but learn and absorb new and interesting tidbits. This year I learned:

  • that contrary to popular belief, swans do not in fact mate for life
  • that attempting to blow out an oil burner after it has been doused in water is an efficient facial hair removal technique
  • that physics is gay because the balls are touching
  • that ‘Que? Que? En el cisne!’ is ‘What? What? In the swan!’ in Espanyol
  • that ‘C’ is for cookie or ‘C’ is for Corny depending on the fickle affiliations of the audience
  • that nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape
  • that ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ is one helluva ear worm
  • that the Gekko isn’t something to try at home kiddies (refer Urban Dictionary, I’m sooo not explaining that here)
  • that pretty girls can get away with nearly anything if they say to a man ‘open your mouth and try this!’
  • that you can have a smack of jellyfish, and a fupa of gunts.
  • that one shouldn’t stick an arse banner down one’s cleavage
  • that prostitutes, call girls and sex workers are all ‘hookers’ once deceased
  • that a bluish-green contact lens is not likely to be locatable in deep grass at night no matter how many people search for it
  • that an Angry Pirates is a concept that evokes visual imagery requiring brain bleach
  • that power spewing is only endearing the first time
  • that the Artist Formerly Known as Gui is likely to remain so for a while as his new name, King You Die Buy A Tool (?) is hard to remember
  • that facts are gender specific but that taints ain’t
  • that poetry is not a lost art because ‘Roses are red, violets are blue. I’ve got a gun. Get in the van.’ speaks to all of us on some level … and…
  •  that one must not, under any circumstances touch Niall’s precarious pole!!!

So many pearls of wisdom to carry with us… until next year’s fun and informative festival facts are formed.

Road Trip! Cool stuff vs Crap stuff.

Cool stuff:
Hitting the road feels like freedom
Cranking up the tunes and feeling the breeze in your hair
Checking out the ‘Big’ everythings along the way (Banana, Prawn, Pineapple etc)
Keeping an eye out for antique vehicles that have shows on over Easter
Anticipation of good company and good times ahead
Snakes and Chupa Chups have no calories on road trips
The longer you drive the crazier the conversations get
Cheap motels and even cheaper red wine!

Easter Road Trip

Crap stuff:
Packing, and unpacking, then packing and unpacking for the trip
Getting stuck behind slow moving vehicles
Junk food for breakfast, lunch and dinner (but at least clean toilets are guaranteed)Feeling the squeeze at the petrol bowser
Road works slowing you down
Sitting too long in the car gives you a numb bum
Google Maps getting you lost (inevitable)
Being pried out with a crowbar because my back is totally cactus by the time I reach my destination!

Well, here goes nothing…

4th April 2012

The Residents
21 Previously Peaceful St
Placid Heights Queensland

To whom it may concern,

We reside in the property adjoining to your back fence. We have several concerns that have arisen over the past several weeks that we would like to bring to your attention.

We have noticed that you are avid gardeners and have completed significant work along the fence line between our two properties. Recently a snowflake shrub of mine that is situated directly beside the fence and a red ground cover plant that surrounds the shrub’s base has been dying. We believe this is the result of herbicide use on your side of the fence. We would like to request that you are more judicious in the use of herbicides near our fence line, as we wish to keep these plants healthy, they provide some privacy between our two properties and we wish them to continue doing so.

Secondly, we observed yesterday (Tuesday, 3rd of April, at approximately 10:30am) that someone from your property pushed dog two large dog biscuits underneath the fence with the intention of feeding our dog. I have verbally requested that this not reoccur and we would like to reiterate our preference that no one from your residence feeds our dog in the future. Could you please raise this issue with all members of your household and remind any children in your home that it is inappropriate to feed a neighbours pet.

Lastly, we have been frequently disturbed by loud language containing many expletives that we believe to be inappropriate for the ears of small children. As there are minors on our property, we would like to respectfully request that you refrain from using foul language at a volume that may be audible to people outside your property. Obviously you may address each other however you choose within the privacy of your home, however we are displeased that our child is being frequently exposed to obscene, profane and abusive language that we deem inappropriate for his consumption.

I thank you for your kind attention in reading this letter and should you have any concerns of your own, please feel free to reply to the address above.

Regards

Mr K & Borys

_____________________________________________________

Now to deliver it and hope that no repercussions arise from our resorting to communicating with them – though in truth I fear, they may need to find a dictionary or an interpreter to comprehend it…

There went the neighbourhood…

So… the Daleyacunt and Fuckin’ Fuckhead saga continues.  Yesterday, Mr K was forced to call the police again because he was punching her around and she was screaming and crying enough to wake the dead.

Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that some of my shrubs (we call them Snowflakes but I don’t know what they are really called) have started turning yellow and dying in one section of my garden, along with the pretty ground cover that was growing all around the base of it. It’s obviously been/being poisoned and I can only assume that it was Daleyacunt’s little way of getting back at us for ‘interfering’ in their business.  And while I’m annoyed that they’re doing this, I was not going to allow myself to be provoked into accusing them of anything as I believe Daleyacunt and Fuckin’ Fuckhead are volatile creatures capable of turning on me should the mood take them.

Anyway… this is Oscar.

Huge puppy takes on neighbor's pig dog through six foot fence

Oscar is about 1’5″ tall, has brown eyes, a black and tan complexion, and a long pink tongue.  He is an Australian Terrier with an excellent lineage, has been microchipped, desexed and duly registered with the Council.  While he’s not the brightest pup I’ve ever known, he’s certainly friendly and happy enough most of the time rarely would get his bark on without cause (like a snake clinging to the wall of the house or something).  This morning, Daleyacunt was stirring up his pig dog (a whole male dog with an aggressive temperament and a bark that I am sure is every bit as bad as his bite) and Oscar, aka Puppy-Guts, was investigating all the noise by running back and forth and pressing his nose up against the fence.  I saw this out of my kitchen window which is barely 6′ from the fence in question.  Unexpectedly, I saw what appeared to be a stick being poked through the fence at Oscar and I raced outside via the laundry and saw to my horror that it wasn’t a stick, but that someone from Daleyacunt’s residence had pushed two large bone shaped dog biscuits through the fence for Oscar to eat.  I quickly grabbed the clueless Oscar and grabbed the side of his jaw forcing him to release the ‘treat’.  I picked up both of the dog biscuits and without saying a word threw them back over the fence, so they would know that I was aware that they had tried to feed them to my dog.

So, what now?  Well, I have spent the day worrying that they are going to try and bait my dog because they are pissed off with us for meddling and calling the police – when, silly me, one should obviously be allowed to beat their partner in without worrying that the neighbours might object, right?  I’ve spent the entire day on the phone trying the BCC to express my concerns about the alterations they have made to the fence, the poisoning of my garden and the potential baiting risk to Oscar puppy.  I’ve also consulted with Legal Aid to ascertain what one’s rights are when dealing with the neighbours, and while there are processes in place, they sound slow and involved which means poor little Oscar remains at risk (and will be largely kept indoors) until we can file a Peace and Good Behaviour application and hopefully grounds will be found to have an order issued.  A little digging has  also revealed that the property is very likely to be a Housing Commission home which means there is recourse to that authority and the extensive expected standards of conduct for tenants too.  But the whole thing is going to take time and a lot of pushing around red tape.

Now, nearly everyone who has heard some or all of these particulars has suggested that I approach these people and talk to them about my concerns / disquiet with the domestic disturbances we have witnessed. Today there have been suggestions that I ought talk directly to him about the feeding my dog issue as well.  And ordinarily, I would indeed follow what is considered a standard grievance procedure and address my issues with those persons involved directly and expediently.  BUT… this man is demonstrably temperamental and prone to violence, and I therefore believe he poses a potentially dangerous risk to myself, my family and now my little dog too.  So why would I go and poke the lion through the cage?  They have been here for not quite eight weeks, and we have been compelled to call the police four times already due to extremely aggravated violence and sounds of excessive distress and suffering going on right outside my kitchen window.  As such, I have avoided saying ANYTHING at all to this volatile man, as I simply can not risk him him turning his full anger and aggressive tendencies onto us.  🙁