My test wasn’t due until the end of the week, but nevermind, it is all done now. It doesn’t get any better than this – 3 really good looking blastocysts, and Dr IVF gave me truckloads of progesterone. I am so sick of this! I am sick and tired of feeling out of control, tired of taking all these drugs that make me feel like shit and I am really totally over the horrible feeling of disappointment that come with each negative test. I am tired of crying all the damn time – I just want something good to happen.
Why is it so easy for most women? How come I have to go through all this shit? It’s so unfair. I dont usually let myself think like this as I dont think it benefits anyone, but I can’t stand it any more! I can’t think straight and I feel like such a failure.
What am I going to do? I know I said I was going to take a break from it, but now that I am faced with that, I feel like I am suffocating. If I put it aside, I am not sure I will be able to go back to it. How can I make myself content with our little family the way it is? Why can’t I just be happy with that?
Maybe it is time to move south so we can try surrogacy. Come to think of it, why isn’t fucking surrogacy legal in Queensland?