Kids today…

Posted on December 17, 2012 by borysSNORC

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with..
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal I got your shit wired. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

This year IS going to be THE year.

Posted on December 10, 2012 by borysSNORC

In our first year of married life, we received about 50 or so Christmas cards from friends and family who had taken the pains to send one – I presume, to wish us and our new little family a Happy Holiday season. I threw my hands up and went ‘OMG!!!’ and very reactively, quickly obtained some Christmas cards and stamps and promptly sent cards of our own in reply. Given that people had been thoughtful enough to send one to us, I felt obliged to reply in kind. :S

After Christmas… every single one of those cards went straight in the bin – admittedly a recycling bin, but staight into a bin nonetheless. And as I threw them away I thought “What a waste!” and I still think they are a waste. Time, money, envelopes, postage, paper, printing… all of it ultimately wasted. TREES! Millions of trees being destroyed in the Amazon, people! And all to make card, paper and pulp for Christmas cards with banal greetings in them and never enough writing space. *muttermutter climate change, global warming, permafrost melting, non sustainable resource usage etc*

In my second year of married life, I received yet again about 50 Christmas cards – and I sent out NONE, choosing instead to email friends that had sent us well wishes to thank them for their cards and their thoughts during the holidays.

In my third year of married life there was noticably fewer cards…. fourth year – even fewer again… fifth year – even fewer again. I realized the fewer I sent out the fewer I received (thankfully)…. and the numbers continued to dwindle until one year when I received barely three Christmas cards! I felt elated and felt it to be quite the achievement! I thought that my small part in not propagating the unnecessary ritual of exchanging expensive and resource hungry Christmas cards every year was considerable indeed.

In an age when we keep in touch with friends and family around the country and also around the world via Facebook, email, Skype, Twitter, MSN and blogs – do Christmas cards serve ANY purpose anymore??? My Mum used to send them out every year. She had a list that she’d pull out every December of people ‘she HAD to send a card to’ and she always included inside a personalized handwritten letter telling the recipient how the Cross Famliy had been that year. This quaint method of keeping touch once a year has become completely redundant in this age of technology when we already know quite a lot of what our friends have been up to – with alarming frequency depending on some people’s Facebook habits!!! 🙂

So year after year my attempt to minimize the Christmas cards has been ever so slowly gaining momentum. In 2009 I thought that I might have finally pulled it off, as the only Christmas card I had received that year was from Caloundra Suzuki wishing me and my family ‘A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year of safe motoring in our new Suzuki!!!’ (I decided that promotional material of this nature doesn’t really count as a Christmas card so I was so far in the clear)…. and at the time I thought “YES!! I’ve finally done it!!!”

But alas a few more turned up around about December 20-22nd. Last year, 2011… that was going to be THE year. I spent half of December carefully watching the mail box, dreading the annual invasion of Christmas cards… and with a bare two days to go I thought I had finally made it with no cards arriving… But there’s this saying about counting your chickens and I last year I found one. One lonely chicken in my mailbox. Dammit.

So far we are all in the clear, but it’s only the 10th… maybe this year will be the cardless Christmas I’m aiming for…

By all means, Tweet, email, Facebook a cheerful message, SMS your holiday greetings or use any means you can think of… just please don’t waste your time, money and trees on sending Christmas cards!

Retail Rage Red

Posted on December 2, 2012 by borysSNORC

Weird dreams ahoy!

Just woke up from one strange arse dream. I was on a mission, a stupid and inane misson to buy (wait for it…) a large orange plastic hippopotamus called Fix Me Hippo that was designed for budding little doctors and nurses to diagnose and cure. Fix Me Hippo came with a veritable plethora of accessories with which to ‘treat’ Fix Me Hippo’ including stethescopes, dental tools, little pretend scalpels for surgery etc. The exact sort of toy I always hated for the Small Child when he was smaller as the bits would inevitably go missing or end up underfoot in the dark.

Well, Fix Me Hippo had just gone on sale so I called around to every toyshop in the vicinity trying to locate one for my son… I have no idea why because he’s way too old for a toy like that anyway, but we had to have one. Everywhere I phoned I got told they were sold out or they hadn’t received their stock yet. After a dozen frustrating phone call I hit the internet and found a little known toy wholesaler that sold to the public, so I jumped in the car and went to see them. For reasons beyond my understanding, their toy shop was hidden behind a Flight Centre shop front but I went in anyway, because that is where they were supposed to be.

Inside, I was met by a ‘greeter’ (hateful horrible waste of time job that is) who pressed her clicker to count me in, and then I went looking for the Fix Me Hippos. There were large stands of Fix Me Hippo accessories, big cutout displays designed to attract kids attention, a large banner declaring it was the ‘Must Have Toy This Christmas’, and all the staff were calling each other ‘Dr. Melanie’ and ‘Dr. Mitch’ etc, as part of the promotion. I went up to a counter and asked what looked like one of the more senior personnel, where I could find the Fix Me Hippos. I was promptly told they had heaps of other items in the range, by no actual Fix Me Hippos left and that they weren’t getting any more. Naturally, I asked if they were expecting any more in before Christmas and the Sales Chickie typed something into the computer and said ‘That’s odd, the system says we have plenty of them, but we definitely don’t have any.’

Now, I don’t know if it’s because I lived through the Buzz LightYear fiasco of the late ’90s at the Disney Store, and therefore dealt with more irate parents than you could count, as we had to keep telling them the delivery date was being pushed back and back because the stores down south kept gobbling up the stock… or if it’s because I’ve had an absolute gutful of things not quite going to plan this year and had more than my fill of dealing with ineptitude and bureaucratic fucktardary… but suddenly this Sales Chickie was squarely in my sights.

I asked her, politely, to please check their stocks and see if they have any, especially given their stock system seems to think they are on site. She replied that there was no point because she knows they don’t have any but that I’m welcome to look around the store.

Bzzzzt. Wrong answer.

It was like a red flag to a bull. I quietly and calmly reiterated my request to this woman to please have a look for the stock. Not only did she repeat that she was convinced they had none, but she suggested I try a competitors store in a neighbouring suburb, which gained her the following response ‘Your job is to assist me, the customer. I am fulfilling my end of the social contract by clearly communicating to you what my requirements are, and you are refusing to look the matter on my behalf… Where. Is. Your Manager?’

Oh yep. It was on. For reasons beyond my understanding I needed the bright orange Fix Me Hippo and no silly little Sales Chickie calling herself ‘Dr. Katy’ was going to get in my way and piss me off by being unhelpful. She prevaricated and danced about a bit saying she couldn’t (I heard wouldn’t) help me and told me she was the Stock and Supply Supervisor and that she knew there was no stock in the store. But I didn’t care. I was convinced that their system was right (as if!) and was demanding she help me locate the toy. I distinctly remember asking her, ‘Are you going to help me here? Or am I going to have to write another letter to people ten rungs above your head? Because you don’t want me writing complaint letters about you ‘Dr. Katy’. My complaint letters get people fired. My complaint letters get people evicted. My complaint letters get members of parliament sending me apologies! So where are the goddamn Fix Me Hippos?’ Yep. Borys was on the retail rampage.

‘Dr. Katy’ by this time getting tearful and backing into her boss’ office saying there was nothing she could do and I was stalking after her in noisy high heels (wtf? I never wear heels). She gets to her manager or whomever and called me a ‘Customer’ – at Disney, all our shoppers were ‘Guests’… unless they were being watching as potential shoplifters, or being a right pain in the arse at which point, we referred to them as ‘Customers’ so everyone knew to keep an eye on them or call for back up to deal with them! Again I just saw what I like to think of as ‘Retail Red’. It’s a special type of rage and indignation that we spare for those whose job it is to assist us in our retail nightmares, but who are particularly ambivalent or obstructionist in their so called ‘assistance’. So I told her that as a customer service representative she made a damn good bricklayer, now could someone please find me the damn Fix Me Hippos!

Her pimple faced (?) teenage supervisor went to a large compactus in the room next door and said ‘Here you go, how many do you need?’ and handed me the much coveted Fix Me Hippo… whereupon I woke up simultaneously thinking “Oh my God!” and “What the fuck?” and “Sigh…I need a holiday.”

MIght come back and attempt to analyze a bit of this later, but am unsure I will gain anything from the endeavour that I care to know anyway! Farkenell. :S

Have yourself a Hot Pink Christmas

Posted on November 20, 2012 by borysSNORC

Well, the Retailers Association of Australia have told us it’s Christmas time again… the decorations in the shopping centre, the carols in the elevators, all the signs that the silly season is upon us once more. Oh joy of joys! I love Christmas! A time for excessive and unwarranted spending. A time of family angst and obligation. A time for increased anxiety and depression. A time for trying to split yourselves in six different directions on Christmas Day to try and make everyone happy. I remember one Christmas where I spent the morning in Brisbane, lunch in Toowoomba and dinner on the Gold Coast. So basically the bulk of the day was spent on the highway… yay! What’s not to love?

I just love having to think up gifts for people that they either don’t want or don’t need! So I’m going to make it a little easier this year and publish my Christmas Wish list here for your convenience (you seeing this Husband?) and would encourage all of my friends and family to do the same thing… so I don’t have to come up with ideas on my own (‘cos you know that never ends well!)

First thing on the list – an Opinel veggie peeler because my Wurstof one that I bought in Germany in 1995 is starting to let down the team.

I could also use one of these, a Zeiss Conquest 3-9×40 scope for a CZ 455 .22 Supermatch rifle that I have on order (if it ever turns up!) Unfortunately… I don’t think they come in pink!

Some hot pink Victorinox steak knives which I totally don’t need and probably wouldn’t use much but I stumbled on them while I was looking for the veggie peeler and well, aren’t they cute?

While I’m on kitchen stuff that I think is kinda cool but will probably never get the use it deserves… how about a KitchenAid for someone who really needs encouragement to do more baking!

No? Too impractical for one such as I? How about something likely to actually see day light more often? (Thanks Emmi for finding this – I love it! ;)) Ta-da! What do you think? Can you see me wearing one of these? 😛

Or how about something even more practical than that… something that might actually get used a bit more and the consumables won’t send me broke! The Sig Sauer P938 doesn’t come in pink though… but I could learn to live with the rosewood grips.

No? In the Too-Hard-To-Acquire basket? Oh, I did see something that I thought was both beautiful and practical AND would get used on a daily basis… a Jean Schlumberger Sixteen Stone ring in 18ct yellow gold with pink sapphires and brilliant cut diamonds? (available at Tiffany & Co. for bargain price of $9,750).

Hmmm… other than that, I’m a bit tapped for ideas. I’d like a Pelican case to take ‘stuff’ on planes, but they don’t come in pink. I could definitely go a new ‘sock’ for my iPhone5 because they iPhone4 ones don’t fit it very well. Maybe a nice Beretta logo sweater, but I won’t get to wear it until sometime next year…

Or failing that what I think I really need is a holiday! Preferably somewhere with no Lating/Roman/Greek or other classical connections! Las Vegas is about as far from the ancient world that I can think of! So that oughta do it! 😀

And that’s about it really. From a $5 iPhone sock to a $10k ring I don’t need. Now do everyone a favour and post up your own Christmas Wish List (as practical or whimsical as may be) so people don’t have throw darts to figure out what to get you this holiday season!

*Please note… I don’t actually want most of this stuff!

Something missing under the Christmas Tree this year…

Posted on January 7, 2010 by borysSNORC

9-11 Plane Playset