Tag Archives: poly

Fantasies or lack thereof…

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Am I the only person on the planet who doesn’t have a rich and vivid fantasy life? From everything I’ve been reading and from what I observe in just the people around me, everyone seems to fantasize about other people, situations and experiences than what they have.

In the past, whenever I’ve wanted someone, I usually just set about having them. I’ve never pined for situations or experiences or created little dramas in my head. If I ever wanted to try something new, I just went ahead and did it. Having said that, I guess I’ve never felt the need to go for the swinging from the chandeliers kinda stuff…. just seems superfluous to me. I’ve usually been up to trying new things, and have certainly pushed my boundaries out of my comfort zone over the last few years, so much so, that I have had to redefine my likes and dislikes a bit. But I don’t fantasize about things, I don’t fixate of objects, have no real fetishes to speak of and rarely feel like the objects of my desires are taboo or out of reach. Is it because I have so few hang ups? Maybe if I had more secrets? guilt? shame? or furtiveness associated with my sexuality, I would have dirty little fantasies too.

Either way, I am starting to feel like I am really missing out on something here. The people around me are indulging in these intense, powerful and graphic fantasies, while here I am, ‘literally’ just looking on bemused trying to analyze what was driving them rather than being engaged by it all.

Am I boring or just somehow too grounded in reality?
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Can’t sleep

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I can’t sleep. Over the weekend, my stress levels seemed to have decreased considerably, even my hearing was improving. Almost as soon as I have come home though, things returned to their previous state of nastiness. I am exhausted. Exhausted about thinking about my problems over and over and over. I woke up about an hour ago and have been tossing and turning since, so I thought I had better just get up and be done with it.

It seems like everything is up in the air at the moment… Hubby’s work, my job situation, IVF is on hold – but I seem to think about it everyday…. then there is my Dad to worry about. Nothing to look forward to…

Since stepping back from IVF, I have been trying to figure out why I was so driven to have more children. Logically it doesn’t even make sense to me to continue with it the way we have. And I think it comes down to this – I love my son more than anyone. I love Hubby, but I love Angel more, and to me the love I feel for my son somehow feels more real. I have been thinking about it and am not sure that I have the capacity for love that most people seem to have (or purport to have). I love Hubby, but no more or any differently than I have loved other men in my life. I think he is aware of this too, and knows he holds me in closer affection that I do him, which is terrible really. I love a number of men in my life, the only difference being the conscious decision to make a life with Hubby, so he has him my loyalty and devotion as well. It scares me to acknowledge it, but I just don’t feel it – the arse over tit, happy ever after, romantic concept of love that popular culture propagates. I don’t think it exists.
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Not Good Jan

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Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It’s hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time…
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You’ve loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is high.
It’s your way or the highway when it comes to love.
You like to be very involved in your sweetie’s life.
No question, you like to be the one calling the shots.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is high.
Sure you believe in love, but you know it doesn’t come easily.
You scoff at “love at first site” and “soumates.”
You rather take the real thing, as unglamorous as it is.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both “me time” and “we time.”
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.