I’m starting to get a little concerned here… there seems to be a pattern emerging.

What’s next?

Northanger Abbityville Horror ???

Per-slay-sion??

Klan’s Field Park???

Why stop at Austen?  Maybe they could smack some Henry James around the head too.  Actually I kinda wish someone would
I hate reading Henry James…. which unfortunately is on my required reading list for my uni course.
.

I was railing against the very existence of this book before I even got my hands on it so naturally a dear and thoughtful friend (thank you yale) saw fit to purchase a copy for me as a gift.  Having received a gift so graciously given, one could hardly refuse to read it based on a predetermined dislike of the premise and a well established dislike of zombie bullshit in general.  Not to mention the fact that one can hardly offer an informed opinion (which one is in the habit of giving ‘most decidedly for so young a person’) without first having acquainted oneself fully with the object at hand.  So I set a course to read it in it’s entirety before deciding whether the exercise would prove amusing and fruitful or as (I had already surmised) absurd in the utmost.

Ahem…

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”   The familiar opening line of Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” immediately transports the imagination into 19th century England and speaks volumes of the text to come.  The opening lines of the new and improved “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” has a similar effect…

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”   and from here we get to watch it go down hill with all the speed of shit off a shovel!  The additions to the story were as truly absurd as I had expected and while normally I’m quite a fan of absurd juxtapositions in art and literature, this whole book just felt like fingernails being dragged down a blackboard and in parts I should have preferred to have spent the time being forced to listen to a Britney Spears concert rather than having my sensibilities suffer through this utter crap.  How on earth this ‘thing’ got published I’ll never know.

The entire book ‘seemed to me to show an abominable sort of conceited arrogance’ on the part of our revisionist author.  Every chapter jars and discombobulates the Austen afficionado by starting out with the original text and being almost entirely faithful to the original dialogue until each familiarly anticpated speech denigrates into some discussion of the ‘deadly arts’ (without which ‘no young lady might be deemed truly accomplished’) or a mention of the ‘plague of sorry stricken that has Hertfordshire in it’s grip’.

There is plenty of talk about how the unmentionable menace has necessitated the young ladies being trained in swordsmanship and musketry and more than one narrative where Lizzy and her deadly sisters despatch decaying zombies to hell with their katana swords or ankle daggers upon finding themselves accosted while out walking etc.  But these liberally interspersed passages don’t hold nearly enough blood, guts and gore to appeal to fans of zombie fiction.  So I’m not quite sure who exactly is supposed to derive pleasure from this book given that the zombification of the novel will annoy loyal Austen fans and the lack of hardcore gruesome zombie brain-ingesting action won’t appeal to zombie fans either?!?!   It’s a mystery…

There were a few passages which provoked an inward giggle with their sheer unadulterated absurdity but mostly I found it excessively hard to read and only persevered so that I might see be able to authoritatively denigrate discuss it with anyone else stupid enough to finish reading this book.

“My dear Mr Bennet, have you heard that Netherfield park is let at last!  Do you not want to know who has taken it?”
“Woman I am attending to my musket, Prattle on if you must, but leave me to the defense of my estate!”
“Why my dear, Mrs Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune; that he escaped London in a chaise and four just as the strange plague broke through the Manchester line”
“What is his name?”
“Bingley.  A single man of four or five thousand a year.  What a fine thing for our girls!”
“How so?  Can he train them in the ways of swordsmanshp and musketry?”
“How can you be so tiresome! You must know I am thinking fo his marrying one of them.”

Mr Collins:
“Do not make yourself uneasy, my dear cousin, about your apparel.  Lady Catherine is far from requiring that elegance of dress in us which becomes herself and her daughter.  She will not think the worse of you for being simply dressed, just as she will not think less of you for possessing combat skills so very beneath her own.”

At Rosings:
“Mr Collins tells me that you are schooled in the deadly arts, Miss Bennet.”
“I am, though not to half the level of proficiency your Ladyship has attained”
“Oh! Then – some time or other I shall be happy to see you spar with one of my ninjas.  Are all you sisters likewise trained?”
“They are.”
“I assumed you were schooled in Japan?”
“No, your Ladyship.  In China.”
“China?  Are those monks still selling their clumsy kung fu to the English?  I take it you mean Shaolin?”
“Yes, your Ladyship; under Master Liu.”
“Well I suppose you had no opportunity.  Had your father more means, he should have taken you to Kyoto”
“My mother would have had no objection, but my father hates Japan.”
“Have your ninjas left you?”
“We never had any ninjas.”
“No ninjas!  How was that possible?  Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas!  I never heard of such a thing!”

….and so on and so on and so on.   Oh and my favourite line –

“Miss Bennet, there seems to be a prettyish kind of little dojo on the one side of your lawn.  I should be glad to examine it.  If you will favour me with your company.”