I can’t sleep.

I woke up just after 4am and my back screaming at me… the second thing I notice is that my jaw is aching from clenching my teeth all night and my hearing is fooked.  🙁    It’s hard to describe  but from what the quack says, all the tension in my jaw and upper neck has the muscles in spasm, including the muscles that surround the aural nerve….. apparently  (I reckon he makes this shit up).  So my currently exacerbated neck/back pain and propensity for clenching my teeth while I sleep when the pain levels are up, is affecting my hearing….. when it’s really bad, like now, everything sound like it’s kinda underwater (which could be part sleep dep!), and when i open my mouth, my jaw cracks and I get a strange equalizing noise that sounds like a tinny metallic tupperware burp!  🙂  Good stuff huh?

Of course after the pain shit has registered, that is when the brain starts going “Right Borys!  What are we doing today?”  …… Noooooooo!!  Fuck off!!!!!  It’s 4am and I want to go back to sleep……  “Well, we’ve got to pay that power bill, make school lunch,  take the little guy to school, go to the funeral place and collect Dad’s ashes and pay the rest of that bill,  finalize the order for the coffee machine, start making turkey enquiries, see if I can squeeze in a load of laundry, at some point realize there is no way I’m getting to the groceries this morning and then get to work for 12pm shift.” 

Die inner monologue!!!!  Die!!!  Just let me go back to sleep  🙁  
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I went for a massage yesterday… cos that is what you do when you back has been screaming at you in technicolour for a few weeks.  

Stupid move.  😐

I felt great when I walked out of there, and felt pretty good while having lunch with BigSal, even felt fine while I was out Op Shopping for a frock for HdM to wear to the Dirty 30s party.  Got home, hung out with the little guy for a bit, fixed a bit of dinner, went out to see the Queen with BigSal and CookieMistress, had coffees across the street at the Citrus Cafe, came home, went to sleep……. and then …..  woke up this morning feeling like I’ve been beaten to a pulp by someone with small pointy hands in my sleep!  😐 

My back literally feels bruised, and if I could turn my neck well enough to have a look in the mirror I fully expect to be all black and blue!  Normally the pain just hangs about in the joints and the muscles, but at the moment, OMG, I feel positively battered….. I mean my back hurts if I so much as lean against my chair back!

Most people don’t understand what it’s like….. waking up in pain…… trying to go about your day in pain…. doing your best to ignore the pain…… and then trying to get to sleep at night and the pain is still there.  I can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed…. in fact I’d like to wake up just one morning and the first thing I’m aware of is something other than the fact that my back is still hurting. 

I used to take a ridiculous amount of drugs every day to try and stay on top of it all, but I hated going about feeling dopey.  Analgesics for the pain, sedatives for the insomnia, anti-inflamatorys for the muscle spasm, anti-depressants to combat the depressant natures of the analgesics and the sedatives!  Not to mention the non-prescription stuff I used to chuck down on top of all that when it seemed to be not working so good. I was a veritable walking pharmacy and popping so many pills I rattled.  The result of all this, left me feeling more than a little dazed half the time.   So after getting off all that shite, I’m certainly more alert, but comes with a downside… I’m often short tempered, ill humored and have little or no patience. 

So today, feeling well and truly stirred up and not in the best of moods, I think it’s a perfect day to put my best foot forward and find that perfect job!
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Okay, so today, I went to my doctor to see about my hearing. You see, of late, I have been experiencing hearing issues, trouble hearing people, certain frequencies actually feeling painful in my ears. So I thought I had an infection of sorts, and went to the quack. I get there to see him, and he tells me that… No, I dont have an infection, and that actually my hearing is being affected by stress! Apparently I have been clenching my jaw at night… again, and it has caused inflammation all around my jaw which in turn is affecting my aural nerve. Give me a fucking break!