Do no more on your good days and no less on your bad days.

Posted on April 13, 2008 by borysSNORC

I totally over did it yesterday.

Going all over town (driving which still stresses me out) and then having a houseful of people and noisy small children… was so not smart. Though if I was a half full kinda gal (which for the record… I am definitely not) I’d say at least my Turkish rug seems to been spared any further abuse on this occasion.

On top of that what was a very long and tiring day, I couldn’t get to sleep last night and then was awake at stupid early o’clock for a Sunday morning which shits me to tears. I hate waking up and feeling so dopey that it takes another couple of hours before I really feel like I’m awake…. though in truth I’m not much more compis mentis at the end of my days lately than I am at the beginning. For example I don’t remember writing that drivel from last night (just read it back now and went ‘Huh?’ / “WTF mate?’)

So I’ve had a bad day and now I feel like shit and I’ve got stuff to do and I can’t cos my back hurts too much, I’ve a headache that’s making me feel like the bits on the inside of the head wanna be bits on the outside of the head and … and … and… well… fuckin’ blargh!!! So all in all I’ve managed very little today and spent the time feeling sad…. quiet…. lonely…. and kinda listless all day.

All day that is bar exactly 3mins and 24secs when The Cat Empire’s – ‘The Rhythm’ came on my iPod and for a fleeting moment I felt like dancing until I remembered that if I did… it was going to hurt sooner or later.

Bee count:

42 down …112 to go.

Tail of Mouse… :(

Posted on April 12, 2008 by borysSNORC

I am stoofed. It’s been a big day o’ driving round BrisVegas – something that is now firmly in my "List of Things I’d Rather Not Do Because I Might Get Dead" and it’s right up the top of the list along with poking Rottweillers and Morris Dancing – which I believe can (and should) be considered potentially fatal in certain company.

It started with the airport to get my Mum and that went okay, I distracted myself with a small pile of car brochures which I was comparing safety specifications on for that part of the drive. Then out to the shops to do the grocery shopping and checking the fucking eggs yet again. Then home again home again jiggety jig to bring the groceries home (can you believe the cost increases in most groceries items lately!!?!?! Unbelievable.) Then out to Spotlight at Springwood with Mr K cos I’ve given Mum back her tank. Then back to Carindale for something that Mr K forgot earlier and finally home…. where, after the stressful and anxiety inducing day of driving, I then prepared dinner for the family… all of them.

I’m exhausted, my head hurts and my back is killing me… I’ve taken more than a few pain killers in a manner other than directed (and no… that doesn’t mean I decided to use them as suppositories!) and if the pain persists there’s no point going to see my doctor. I’ve also had a few glasses of champagne. Which leaves me with the following equation:

Driving = Anxiety + Shopping = Stress + Egg checking = Exhaustion + Analgesics + Champagne = Mousetails!

Yep that’s right. I’ve got mousetails for the first time in years and that can’t be good.

So if you want to join me and are unfortunate enough to be using a Windows PC… Click on the Start Menu, select the Control Panel, then the Mouse, then select the Pointer Options tab and tick the box that says ‘Display Pointer Trails’ and move the slider to ‘long’ – cos that is roughly what’s happening with my vision about now! Not good Batman.
.

Sigh.. I’m tired and I want to go home.

Posted on April 7, 2008 by borysSNORC

The short term memory lapse thing is getting really fucking annoying:

I’m finding receipts for things I don’t remember buying.
I’m having conversations with people that I’ve apparently already had.
I’m forgetting where I’ve put things.
I’m unable to remember who I’ve told what news lately.
I’m getting emails confirming online purchases.
and

I’m having problems making decisions, figuring out what to have for dinner seems to take a monumental effort let alone trying to figure out what sort of car I should buy. I am making plans and then almost immediately wishing I hadn’t. I am feeling frequently overwhelmed by the most. fucking. stupid. little. things…. and many things that I would normally negotiate with ease (Self affirmation from BigSal circa 1991 – “I am graceful and can navigate difficult obstacles with ease”…. I want to be dainty!) seem insurmountable at present.

I don’t want to leave the house to go see people… which is causing me more grief since some people aren’t very understanding of my wishing to avoid certain situations and things – like driving, social activities and well… dealing with other… humans. It is taking most of my waking efforts to hold my shit together and I often feel like I just don’t have the necessary energy required to do so for others at the moment.

On top of this I am tired of feeling anxious and edgy all the time. I’ve been fidgeting with my feet and chewing on my bottom lip for reasons beyond my understanding.
.

I really must learn to take my own advice.

Posted on March 31, 2008 by borysSNORC

Late last night.
While we were all in bed.
Old lady Leary lit a lantern in the shed.
And when the cow kicked it over.
She winked her eye and said –
‘It’ll be a hot time, in the old town tonight!’
Fire! Fire! Fire!

Repeat ad nauseum gaining speed and momentum.

Couldn’t get this out of my head last night when I was trying to get to sleep. I have no idea why. Some gin and tonics. Cooked dinner. Some red wine. A few laughs. A bit of Tramal. Good friends. More red wine. Interesting conversation. Hot shower. Some Valium… then off to bed with this ditty stuck in my head.

One of these days I will learn to heed my own advice and refrain from mixing drugs and alcohol.
I must not mix drugs and alcohol!!!
I must not mix drugs and alcohol!!!
.

All things in moderation.

Posted on March 15, 2008 by borysSNORC

The Pain Clinic is over and I get to say ‘good bye, good luck and good riddance’ to the other painful people… so now the tough stuff begins. They’ve developed a program for me designed to eventually build strength and flexibility in my somewhat fucked back. It was supposed to be a gym program, but because I’m having issues driving right now, they’ve redesigned the program to suit being done at home! Bonus… at least I won’t have to deal with panic attacks just to get to the gym and back.

Now I’m probably showing my age here, but every time I think of doing a gym work out I get this vivid mental picture of a rather young and extremely perky Olivia Newton John singing ‘Physical’… and she’s got that fantastic early 80s hairdo and one of those high cut 80s leotards and the quintessential 80s legwarmers with matching tricolour plaited sweatband !!!

Let’s get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let’s get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

Usually I like Rammstein or something to exercise to – dangerous though that can be… as I learned this week. On Wednesday after I ripped the silly bint Tracey a new one, I set off power walking down by the river at the clinic and didn’t look up until I was about 2kms away. By which time I realized that my shins were absolutely killing me from the ridiculous pace of the music and subsequent effect on walking speed. Blame it on the Bint or blame it on the Benzin – either way I think I might have been better served with Olivia’s crappy pop workout mantra as more moderate exercise music over the German industrial metal. 😐