Happiness is a warm puppy…

… said someone famous, whose name escapes me at the moment.

sitting

And that is what I am looking at right now.  A warm happy puppy.  Of course, she’s always been physically warm, but Alaska is increasingly ‘warming up’ to us in lots of little ways that are just melting everyone who meets her.  She’s still timid and shy and incredibly vulnerable and won’t come to us when called.  And she is still prancing about with a conflicted look in her eye when offered treats as she wrestles with her desire to come forward but her inclination to stay back.  But she’s not flinching from us anymore.  She’s not bitting or snapping or growling at anyone out of sheer terror and fear.  She’s coming out of her crate and investigating the world (well, my kitchen and living room etc… but it’s her whole world at the moment!).  She’s starting to play with Dixie instead of cowering from her exuberance.  She’s having running dreams instead of whimpering in her sleep.  She’s licking our hands and feet and even barked in excitement a few times!  Tail wagging isn’t just for special occasions anymore, it’s for everyday excitement.  She’s She’s letting other people pat her and is even sitting happily in the laps of strangers, accepting their gentle and tender affections… something this little girl was literally incapable of doing just a few short weeks ago.

 

I’m so proud of her.  We had a small social gathering here on Saturday night and she went from lap to lap to lap.  Taking a little treat from each new cuddler and settling in for lots of affection and attention.  Two of our guests were arguing over who was going to get to adopt her – though they have large dogs that would overwhelm little one in a heart beat, so I’m not so sure that’d be a great idea!  I’ve also had my Mum saying she wants to take her home, but I’ll believe her when she puts her money where her mouth is.  And another friend too has fallen for her timid and (now) very gentle ways.  I even think Dixie is going to miss her cuddle buddy when she finds an adoptive family!

puppycuddles

Today we went to the vet for the C5 booster and I admit I was trepidacious about the excursion.  She might be letting us pet her, but she isn’t comfortable having her feet touched.  She is allowing us to cuddle her and keep her near, but she’s getting a couple of needles, and a physical once over and oh my! … Going to get her temperature taken!  I was really apprehensive that any requirement to restrain her in any way was going to set us back to seeing her lash out and bite someone – namely me or the veterinarian.  Last thing I wanted was to see her exhibit any of the behaviours we have been working so hard to encourage her to cease.  I put her in her crate and got ready to head for our first trip to the car since she got here and she started to whimper, and run about and tremble in fear. Oh no.  Puppy dilemma… keep her in the crate (and potentially destroy her only safe haven) or transport her without it and see how she goes?  I opted for wrapping her in a favourite blue towel that smells like home, putting her on the lead for the first time in ages, and held her firmly and comforted her all the way to the vet.  She still trembled the whole trip, but we made it without any more panicky whimpering.

vettrip

 

Turns out I was worried for naught.  We went to the vet – and Alaska now weighs in at a whopping 3.1kgs!  😛  She has a healthy doggy temperature, good appetite, good knees, good eyes, but other than a retained canine tooth, which could prove problematic down the track, and the ridiculously accelerated heart rate of a puppy who is really really scared… she got a clean bill of health.  Next came the shots.  I was worried about having to hold her still for the Vet, but as it turns out a little distraction with some puppy treats and some soothing sounds and cuddles and it was all over in a flash.  Go girl!

I had a chat with the vet about the behavioural issues that she USED to display (that’s our girl), and got told that she will probably always be very timid and shy.  That from here, she’s still at a point where she could go backwards, so we need to keep doing what we are doing and lots of careful attention to remind her that the peoples are not here to hurt her but that they are here to love and adore her!

So a successful visit to the Vet was had by all, and by the time we left, one vet, one receptionist and one lady-in-the-waiting-room-with-a-staffy had all fallen in love with shy little Alaska.  We then came home for a well earned rest… where she has promptly stayed for most of the day!
PS:  I think it was Charles Schultz… will have to look that up.  🙂

proud pup

Congratulations. I’ll go home and stab you in effigy later.

What a roller coaster of a week.  Between all the political brouhaha going on left, right and centre, and the sheer idiocy and chaos of Australia’s political landscape as evidenced in our mainsteam media… it’s been all up, or all down, and not a lot of in between.

So many of my friends seem to be in mourning today… our would be bright and shiny future, is somewhat less bright and shiny this morning as we contemplate the nation’s selection of a complete chicken fucking moron to: represent us on the international stage, throw welfare money at the nation’s wealthy and elite, destroy our environment and ignore the challenges of climate change, stunt our nation’s internet and technological future, destroy our rail infrastructure, treat cruelly with asylum seeking refugees and a tonne of other shit no one really wants, and a lot of people obviously haven’t really thought through!  Alas, there’s nothing to be done, but just sit back and watch it all play out now… in six months time there will be nary a soul in sight who will admit to voting for the idiot, just like Campbell bloody Newman.  C’est la vie.

But also sadly this week I find an familiar and decidedly ugly foe raising its head for me, yet again and much closer to home… Jealousy.  A friend of Mr K’s, whom he worked closely with for the last five years has just had a third daughter.  A uni friend of mine has just announced on Facebook that she’s just found out she’s having a baby and is laughingly refusing to give up coffee… and a very, very dear, and once very close, friend who is currently managing at home with her beautiful, nearly toddling, baby girl; has just announced that she 14 weeks along too.  I want to congratulate them and hug them and wish them all well… and the other half of me wants to go home, scream into a pillow and stab them all in effigy, because it comes so easy for everyone else!  🙁

In all fairness my dear, once close, friend hasn’t had the easiest run to breeding either.  First child took her a long time, some painful endometriosis surgeries and assisted reproductive treatments.  I see myself thinking and saying, ‘once close’ friend because I know I have not been a very good friend to her these last few years at all.  I was supportive when I knew she was trying to fall pregnant, and sympathetic and understanding when things weren’t working as well as they should be.  But once she announced that she was having a baby, I found myself slowly and inexorably putting distance between myself her imminent happy family.  I know that it is a sort of self preservation mechanism, the less involved I am, the less I end up being faced with the huge emotional time bomb that the tiny precious babies represent.  And even though I know that this is hideously self involved of me, at a time when she probably really needs as much support from her friends and family as possible, I can’t seem to help myself, but retreat.

It’s the Horrid IVF Hangover.  Years have passed – six or seven years since I was forced to give up – and apart from the time spent repairing the financial wreckage that long term IVF causes, and the relationship damage that IVF leaves you with…  I am also left with a bitterness and jealousy that renders me completely unable to be truly happy for the people around me who are having their own gorgeous little children.  Intellectually I am happy for them and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I went through… but somewhere deep inside, I’m still a huge bundle of pain.  I have distanced myself from one of my dearest friends because I simply don’t know how to be there for her and participate in her happiness and joy, without constantly feeling the sorrow and sadness of my own losses.  Such conflicting emotions never sit politely together – great happiness and relief for them, and deep sadness and grief for me.

End result is that I feel I have become the worst possible friend imaginable.  Once there for the fun times, but not able to be there to share in her early motherhood trials.  There in the past, but unable to reliably be there in the future.  I want her to be happy.  I want her to have a huge family of five or six beautiful children if that is what she wants… but more than that, I want to be genuinely happy FOR her.  And for some reason, I just don’t know how to shake off all my emotional baggage in a useful way that allows me to be present and genuinely joyful for her, and with her.  So instead I have found myself staying away… to spare me the constant emotional pain and her, the expressions of pity.

I feel like such a coward, but I just don’t know how to deal with my emotions and so what do I do?  But continue on with the avoidance.  🙁