Relationship Status: It’s (Becoming) Complicated

Things you really don’t want to hear from your 10 year old son over dinner…. “What’s so bad about two girls one cup?”

mario children internet access something awful 4chan

Jesus kid!  Where the hell did that come from?  :S  Apparently The Small Child was watching some YouTube videos made by some moronic 25 yr old men pretending to be teenagers, or at the very least carrying on like halfwit teenagers, who regularly make clips about computer games, technology and other ‘stuff’ under the guise of entertainment/comedy.  They call themselves ‘Smosh’ and they have been making these videos since 2006, so there’s a significant back catalogue of adolescent drivel available on their YouTube channel moulding the minds of our youth.  I managed to sit through less than half of the clip on the front page of the channel before deciding it was crude, coarse, common and vulgar, not to mention boring and completely lacking in any comedic engagement, with the deliberate intent of appealing to the lowest common denominator – therefore rendering it no surprise their audience is probably made up of many 10 yr old boys.  It’s complete and utter puerile shite and has no right existing let alone chewing up bandwidth!

It’s bad enough that you have to watch out for the kids accessing pornography and other abhorrent phenomena (thanks Neil – that phrase is making increasingly regular appearances in my everyday vernacular!) on the internet without worrying that they’re picking up on hideously inappropriate memes while watching what should be innocuous video gaming vlogs.  I can’t ban him from using the internets… that’s just not practical.  We love the internets here!  We don’t know how we used to live without the internets… for keeping in touch, for researching things we are interested in, for settling dinner party disputes, and just for fun and games and entertainment!  With several computers in the house, smartphones and laptops, media PCs and the like, we are a family of typical technophiles and feel lost and disconnected without our daily dose of internets lovin’.

And while we all know the internets has a Dark (oh, so very dark!) Side… for me personally, that has always been ‘over there somewhere’ and mainly for ‘other people’.  In the deep dark recesses of and and, and other places I have no desire to frequent, is a helluva lot of content that I just don’t think my 10 yr old needs to be exposed to.  But what do I do about it?  I can set the safe searches, I can put his PC in a communal area of the house… but where there’s a will there is a way. 🙁     And the idea that my kid is going to go searching ‘two girls one cup’ while I’m not watching simply fills me with dread.  What sort of lasting impression will that special little bit of internet horror leave on a not yet formed, or informed, little mind?

And so starts a new stage in my relationship with the internets… the love/hate stage that would normally be a precursor to the divorce/banishment which simply isn’t a realistic option in this case.  🙁



Where has all the quicksand gone?

movies old plots device
When I was a kid, quicksand was a popular device used on nearly every cheesy TV show I can remember to create tension and peril of some strange and exotic nature that was foreign to city dwellers the world over.  In fact, even now with a rudimentary grasp of geography and such, I still can’t tell you exactly how quicksand is created without Googling it but have these quasi-romantic notions of how dangerous it can be, how hard it is to detect and that you must not under any circumstances, struggle should you find yourself stuck in quicksand.  And as geographically rare as it may have been in the real world, there was a veritable plethora of it awaiting us on television and at the cinema. There was quicksand in the old Batman series (c.1966) that ran reruns ad nauseum (same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!) when I was a kid – an episode with the Riddler as the antagonist who had cleverly lured the caped crusaders, Batman and Robin to his lair where upon they found themselves drowning in a big birthday cake looking vat of quicksand.  From the same series, Batgirl too ended up in the quicksand once apparently as well.  The Phantom took his dunking in quicksand too at one stage back in ’55.  Dr Who has done the quicksand thing in approximately five early episodes but being a timelord alien thing I guess it’s not surprising where he ends up!

I actually remember at least one episode of Get Smart where Max and 99 were sinking in quicksand while the bad guys watched on and I have vague recollections of an episode of Gilligan’s Island where Gillian and the cute one,  Mary Anne, were sinking in a quicksand/mud slop at some point (along with four other Gilligan’s Island episodes as it happens!).  It turns out Fantasy Island had at least three quicksand episodes, but at least made some kinda sense given because they were on a random tropical island somewhere, film strip plot device ploy old showswhereas Buck Rogers and the 25th Century pulled out the quicksand thing twice and that silly show was is set in the goddamn future complete with robots, loads of aluminium and sliding doors!  Go figure!

The Six Million Dollar Man (djugga-djugga-djugga-djugga-djugga) managed to rescue some ditz from some quicksand on at least one occasion, and the Bionic Woman found herself sinking in quicksand but managed to heroically pull herself free of the stuff before tricking some prison guards into fall the same trap.  Charlie’s Angels used the old quicksand fall back a couple of times too apparently – oh what that must have done to Cheryl Ladd’s flicky hair! Hell, even Daisy Duke from the Dukes of Hazzards ended up in quicksand at some point!  (edit:  I was half right – turns up that the Dukes of Hazzard used the Great Quicksand Plot Device no fewer than four times!).

Soap operas were also fond of the quicksand ploy – Days of Our Lives (three times), General Hospital (four times) and One Life to Live (three times) all throwing it out there for public consumption with alarming regularity. Why it seems the pitched the quicksand story line almost as often as they pulled the amnesia card!  Quicksand even turns up in an episode of Flipper for crying out loud!  Flipper!

The quicksand was also a ‘thing’ regularly trolled out in cartoons back in the day like Captain Caveman, Darkwing Duck, Scooby Doo, The Flintstones and My Little Pony and Friends (I know right!).  The Simpsons were also guilty of being on the quicksand band wagon too, with a record six episodes all from 1989… what a great year for quicksand that must have been!   😀

And then there’s all the quicksand movies plot devices from around the same time. Back in the day, Flash Gordon, The Dark Crystal, Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark all had their heroes facing a brush with certain death by quicksand though I believe no harm came to any of the good guys on any occasion as the direct or indirect interactions with the hazardous stuff.

movie quicksand device plot point unlikely bogus

And of course my all time favourite cinematic use of the highly unlikely yet excessively popular quicksand movie device from the Master of the Absurd himself, Mr Mel Brooks, in Blazing Saddles where he has a couple of negro workers go off the end of a railroad track on a rail cart while singing the ‘Camptown Ladies’… absolutely comedy gold!

So, it seems quicksand was a HUGELY popular plot device right through from the 60s – early 90s… but now it seems to have sadly disappeared from Hollywood’s repertoire.  I’m wondering what happened to the quicksand?  Did audiences get too savvy to ‘buy it’?  Did people suddenly decide quicksand is really rare, man, so how can it be in the middle of Gotham fucking City?  Or maybe it became a victim of global warming or something and no longer seems relevant to today’s audiences….?

(some images and episode info pulled from here)


Something for everyone.

I stumbled across an unfamiliar word this evening – formicophilia.  Naturally being a bit of a wordsmith, I had to look it up as I was pretty sure it wasn’t related to having a particular unnatural fondness for 1960s formica dining room tables and was suddenly curious as to what it might refer to.

MOST of the time, having an enquiring mind serves one quite well in life and on other occasions,  (particularly since the internets have become such an intrinsic part of our every day lives) having an enquiring mind just leads to trauma and necessitates brain bleach.  This was one of those occasions.  But once I found a definition of ‘formicophilia’… and found myself predictably thinking, ‘Huh?’ and ‘Eww’ simultaneously, I then got caught up in a rather unfortunate WikiLoop on paraphilias.

Paraphilia – Corresponding focus of erotic interest
Abasiophilia – People with impaired mobility
Acrotomophilia – People with amputations
Agalmatophilia – Statues, mannequins and immobility
Algolagnia – Pain, particularly involving an erogenous zones
Andromimetophilia – Trans men
Anililagnia – Attraction by young men to older women
Apotemnophilia – Having an amputation
Asphyxiophilia – Asphyxiation or strangulation
Autagonistophilia – Being on stage or on camera
Autonepiophilia – Paraphilic infantalism adult baby syndrome
Autassassinophilia – Being in life-threatening situations
Autoandrophilia – A biological female imagining herself as a male
Autoerotic asphixiation – Self-induced asphyxiation, to the point of near unconsciousness
Autogynephilia – A biological male imagining himself as a female
Biastophilia – Rape of an unconsenting person; see also consensual rape fantasy
Breast fetishism – Breasts; also known as mammagynophilia, mammaphilia
Chremastistophilia – Being robbed or held up
Chronophilia – Partners of a widely differing chronological age
Coprophilia – Feces; also known as scat, scatophilia or fecophilia
Dacryphilia – Tears or crying
Diaper fetishism – Diapers; considerable overlap with paraphilic infantilism
Dendrophilia – Trees

parpaphilia sexual perverts fetish fetishismEmetophilia – Vomit
Erotic asphyxiation – Asphyxia of oneself or others
Erotophonophilia – Murder
Exhibitionism – Exposing oneself sexually to others, with or without their consent
Fat fetishism – Overweight or obese people
Foot fetishism – Attraction to feet
Formicophilia – Being crawled on by insects
Forniphilia – Turning a human being into a piece of furniture
Frotteurism – Rubbing against a non-consenting person
Gerontophilia – Elderly people
Gynemimetophilia – Transsexual or transgender women
Hebephilia – Generally early pubescent children
Homeovestism – Wearing clothing emblematic of one’s own sex
Hybristophilia – Criminals, particularly for cruel or outrageous crimes
Infantophilia – Pedophilia with a focus on children five years old or younger
Kleptophilia – Stealing; also known as kleptolagnia
Klismaphilia – Enemas
Lactophilia – Breast milk
Liquidophilia – Immersing genitals in liquids
Macrophilia – Giants, primarily domination by giant women or men
Masochism – Suffering; being beaten, bound or otherwise humiliated
Mechanophilia – Cars or other machines; also “mechaphilia”
Menophilia – Menstruation
Morphophilia – Particular body shapes or sizes
Mucophilia – Mucus
Mysophilia – Dirtiness, soiled or decaying things
Narratophilia – Obscene words
Nasophilia – Noses
Navel fetishism – Sexual attraction to navels – either their own or someone else’s

paraphilia sexual deviation perversion  kinky Necrophilia – Corpses
Objectophilia – Pronounced emotional desire towards specific inanimate objects
Olfactophilia – Smells
Paraphilic infantilism – Sexual arousal based on dressing/being treated like a baby
Partialism – Specific, non-genital body parts
Pedophilia – Prepubescent children, also spelled paedophilia.
Peodeiktophilia – Exposing one’s penis
Pedovestism – Dressing like a child
Pictophilia – Pornography or erotic art, particularly pictures
Piquerism – Arousal through penetration by stabbing or cutting the body with sharp objects
Pygophilia – Buttocks
Pyrophilia – Fire
Raptophilia – Committing rape, possibly consensual rape fantasy
Sadism – Inflicting pain on others
Salirophilia -Soiling or dirtying others
Scopophilia – Sexual pleasure derived looking at erotic objects, pornography, naked bodies
Somnophilia – Sleeping or unconscious people
Sthenolagnia – Muscles and displays of strength
Stigmatophilia – Body piercings and tattoos
Symphorophilia – Witnessing or staging disasters such as car accidents
Telephone scatologia – Obscene phonecalls, particularly to strangers aka telephonicophilia
Teratophilia – Deformed or monstrous people
Transvestic fetishism – Wearing clothes associated with the opposite sex
Transvestophilia – A transvestite sexual partner
Trichophilia – Hair
Troilism – Watching one’s SO have sex with a 3rd party, possibly without their knowledge
Urolagnia – Urination, particularly in public, on others, and/or being urinated on
Vampirism – Attraction to or involving blood
Vorarephilia – The idea of eating or being eaten by others; sometimes swallowed whole
Voyeurism – Watching others while naked or having sex, generally without their knowledge
Zoophilia – Animals
Zoosadism – Inflicting pain on or seeing animals in pain

So, after reading all that and confirming my solid Gourmet French Vanilla status… I leave it to you to decide if there’s a little something-something in there for you!   🙂

What came first – the narwhal or the bacon?

Narwhals have been slowly invading my life. It started out as a bit of a joke… just an earworm that got stuck in my head while I was writing an essay on Mongols which I wrote about here.  Now, everyday people land here after searching any number of the following narwhalesque search terms:

narwhals song
narwhals narwhals
how are narwhals born
narwhals song lyrics
narwhals images
cartoon narwhals… and so on and so forth.

Actually I don’t want to think too much about how narwhals are born… do they have those horns at birth?  Or do they grow as they mature?  I shudder to think.  Anyway, now I’ve got friends sending me links to Narwhals stuff now… there’s the Reddit Coat of Arms which of course prominently features both narwhals and bacon –

bacon snoo bacon narwhals narwhal supporters

A friend sent me a link to some narwhal jewelry!  There’s earrings, necklaces, brooches, hair clips, jewelry holders and a whole industry of narwhal fashion accessories cropping up out there –

lyrics song weebl pendant necklace

I even found some strange hand painted narwhal shoes.  Because that’s what a girl really needs…narwhals on your shoes, so when you’re walking along strutting your stuff, you can  look down and think about strange horned sea mammals.

shoes reddit painted lyrics

But the best thing I’ve found so far are these – NARWHAL FINGER PUPPETS!  I gotta get me some of these for me, and everyone I know!  Currently available on eBay… 156 sold so far, get ’em while they’re hot!

reddit song lyrics finger puppets