Yes. Season and Episode. 

Last September I started telling my GP that I think I’m ‘easily tearful and losing the plot a little’ and that ‘my previously effective coping mechanisms are not cutting the mustard’ so I ‘think I need to see Someone™ about this’.   That was my first polite request to get a referral to a suitable psych.  Over the last few months the initial polite queries have disintegrated into desperate entreaties of the <sobbing> ‘oh-dear-god-i-am-sick-of-being-in-pain-and-just-want-to-curl-up-and-die'</sobbing> type.  Yay for brutal honesty.  

Truncated version of subsequent events between himself, myself and the THREE VerkCuvva Nazis I’ve been dealing with since September (Oh dear… I wonder what has been holding this process up?) is that it has taken until now to finally see someone.  I had a feeling from the beginning that this wasn’t going to be as simple as it should be.  All I wanted was a psych who 1) doesn’t give one the initial impression of being a total moron  2) doesn’t patronize or condescend (I prefer my empathy genuine or not at all thank you very much)  3) has a decent grasp of the English vernacular (a psychologist who asks YOU what misanthropic means is NOT a good sign)  4) doesn’t work from the city (so I don’t have to face the anxiety inducing city traffic on a weekly basis).  So today I had the first appointment …. and something tells me this IS going to be as difficult, draining and depressing as I anticipated.

Contestant No 1.   Reader’s Digest version of discussion:
– long drawn out history with chronic back pain from 4MVAs
– persistent and unrelenting nature of said pain
– ineffectiveness of analgesics and treatments thus far
– pain induced insomnia, resultant dependence on sedatives
– frustration and despair over physical limitations
– frequent suicidal ideation (which for the record, lacks intent)
– limitations due to oversedation in mornings
– depression, anxiety, panic attacks in cars, stress and tension
– constant rehashing situation with new specialists
– unfavourable prognosis from numerous specialists
– strain on relationships and deliberate social withdrawal
– memory lapses and concentration problems
– irritability and short temper with others
– inability to perform aerobically beneficial exercise
– low motivation and energy for day to day events, tasks etc
– aversion to legal proceedings and medico-legal appointments
– strain of keeping severity of situation from others
– stress of Verkcuvva managers continually changing
– IVF matters: including miscarriages, financial and marital strain
– family: Dad and Motor Neurone Disease
– perception that my entire adult life has been problem after problem
– inherent distrust for entire psychology/psychiatry profession (though perhaps I should have listed this first as it did come up rather early in the conversation)

… and so on and so forth until almost two hours and several soggy tissues later… Contestant No 1 says "You have experienced an awful lot of loss in your life… both emotional and physical.  It sounds like you really need ongoing treatment and I think you’re aware there’s no quick fix here.   So I think I should tell you that within the next two months I am going to be relocating my practice to Wickham Terrace in the City.  Given that you have been having panic attacks and anxiety in cars and in traffic and have expressed a desire to avoid driving to practitioners in the city you might be better served finding someone else in the local area rather than us spending a couple of months developing rapport together only to possibly have to start over again when I move my practice.’   Or some bullshit to that effect.

Sometimes I hate being right.

This whole relying on drugs thing for sleep just doesn’t seem to be working for me this week.  I am feeling absolutely drained and as such think an extra special drug cocktail must be in order because I am starting to get that horrible people talking to me under water thing you get when you’re sleep deprived.