Is it only Tuesday? I wanted to write on Sunday night about a performance art piece I did on my front lawn but then got distracted by …. ummm …. tits! *shrug* I don’t know… can’t remember too easily distracted to remember what distracted me.
I was having a rather heated discussion with Mr K about how he perceives that I have a tendency to get a picture in my head of ‘how things should be’ and won’t budge from that picture no matter what. In particular this was in relation to IVF and how he felt I had always had this ideal in my mind of what our family should be and he felt this is why I continued on IVF for so long and with such dogged determination. He also seemed to think that I’ve never been able to just accept the way things are and that having the one Small Child was pretty damn good and he felt that I’ve never been happy with the way things panned out. He also pointed out that he felt I went into every new cycle with a fatalistic negativity that it was never going to work and it was probably this combined with other external factors (such as how it was sending us broke and how my family was dealing with my Dad and MND) that probably contributed significantly to the continual failures.
He’s probably right on some counts. I am very focused and determined when I put my mind to something and am rarely dissuaded from my chosen course of action voluntarily. Yes, I am quite aware that I am a stubborn bitch when it comes to the things that are important to me. The negativity he felt I was displaying was really me attempting (probably rather poorly) to manage my expectations. You see, the IVF co-ordinators tell you to see counsellors all the time, particularly after you’ve had a lot of failed cycles and one of the things those counsellors keep telling you is to try to be ‘realistically optimistic’ – it’s like some sort of fucking mantra with those people. Being ‘realistically optimistic’ is just a euphemistic phrase really that means "don’t go getting your hopes up too high so as to avoid crushing disappointment month after month". So to-may-toe… tom-art-toe on that one.
But at some point during the conversation he made an analogy to my always having a perfect picutre in my head and not being able to accept what I have or what could be achieved now… to how I make purchase decisions. In particular he compared it to how I shop for appliances. Yes… men (and this one on that day) really are capable of being that fucking stupid sometimes. My attitude towards IVF and my desire for a perfect white picket fence nucelar family is the same as my reluctance to buy an appliance for the home that doesn’t totally suit ‘my picture in my head of what we need’…. apparently!!! In particular he mentioned how I’ve been ‘dithering’ over buying a new toaster because ‘the perfect one I wanted was too expensive and that I’d rather go without than accept something less that what fits the picture in my head’.
It’s not a tumour… it’s a toaster.
He tells me that my reluctance to buy a sub-standard item is due to my inability to accept anything less than that which is perfect. At which point, I guess it’s safe to say I … err… went bat shit crazy for a bit there. Oh. My. Gawd!!! Comparing how I coped with one of the most difficult challenges of my adult life to how I choose to buy household appliances? Is he on fucking crack?!?!?!
Naturally… I replied very calmly that I feel my consumer habits are very considered and savvy… and yes I do have a tendency to shop around to find items that will best suit my needs and I also tend to then choose products that I feel are going to be of sufficient quality to satisfactorily perform their designed function for the maximum duration possible and preferrably for the best prices available. Read – I told him I don’t like buying fucking cheap arse crap for the house and am normally happy to wait for good quality stuff to come on sale rather than waste good money on shite that will die as soon as the warranty expires and what’s wrong with trying to be thrifty and save a bit of money anyway?!?!?
At which point there may have been some slamming of doors and driving off in a huff to return half an hour later with the ridiculously expensive, brand new toaster in hand which was rapidly unpackaged and pluggged in and the old (still fucntioning I might add) toaster was then turned into a well executed defenestration performance art piece which and subsequenly an installation exposition item of sorts on the front lawn….
… where it yet remains. Viewings by appointment… price on application.
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