I’m sitting here crying over dirty dishes. Fucking dirty dishes in the sink. My back hurts sooo much and I am so sick of being in pain all day… EVERY FUCKING DAY. I’m can’t stop clenching my teeth as I type this 🙁 I try so hard to ignore it and just get on with it but sometimes it totally gets the better of me. I hardly slept at all last night even with plenty of valium and other drugs on board. I woke up so many times, my back hurting, burning sensations down my legs and my hands feeling like they were cramping. I’ve had enough of all this shit.
I. have. just. had. enough.
I haven’t been cooking much because it increases my pain to stand still at the kitchen bench and chop food or stir pots. I literally can’t stand still for 5 minutes without ending up holding my breath and clenching my teeth against the pain – which is exactly what happens when I end up in a queue out shopping or at the bank or something. I can’t lean over the sink to do the dishes and they pile up and pile up…. and I HATE waking up in the morning and having to prepare breakfast or fix the Small Child’s lunch in the middle of dirty kitchen. I am getting so tired of having to rely on other people for every stupid little thing.
I can’t vacuum the carpets.
I can’t mop the tiled floors.
I can’t clean down the kitchen cupboards.
I can’t weed the damn garden.
I can’t wash the shower or bathtub.
I can’t hang the washing out on the clothesline.
I can’t dust things anything above my head height.
I can’t get up and change a fucking lightbulb.
I can’t push a trolley at the supermarket.
I can’t reach up and put away or pull out things from high shelves.
I can’t carry the damn groceries into the house.
I can’t pick up anything heavy… like a small dog or the Small Child.
I can’t … finish this list it goes on ad infinitum.
Clean the gutters? Prune trees? Wash the car? Mow the lawn? Wash windows? You’ve got to be kidding right? My Mum who is in her late 50s can do all this stuff and I can’t. It shits me to tears that I need to have other people do these things for me… things I would much rather do myself. Hell I haven’t even felt up to holding my arms up long enough to wash my hair for the last three days… and I find it difficult to bend down in the shower to pumice my little feet for crying out loud. Shave my legs? Oh surely you jest. 😐
It’s no wonder I feel so damn cranky and depressed all the time which today is spilling over into not wanting to deal with ‘other people’. I really feel like I just don’t want to be near anyone or have to talk to anyone or participate in anything that even remotely resembles social intercourse. Chatting on MSN…. that’s about the best I think I can manage to do… it’s so much easier to lie and say ‘Good thanks and you?’ via MSN than it is to someone’s face or over the phone.
So I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t have anywhere I need to be right now.