Monthly Archives: January 2008

WTF Dream

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OMG! I’ve just woken up after having the most bizarre dream… (queue Dana Carvey as Garth from Wayne’s World staring into the camera looking slightly unhinged, waving his hands in front of him saying “Deddle le det, deddle le det, deddle le det…”

I was in the supermarket doing the groceries with my sister, BigSal (which for the record hasn’t really happened since we sharehoused together in 1991) and she was nattering away about some shit or other (I have no idea what, as I was pushing the trolley laden with her groceries and her youngest daughter, Hazel, and had tuned out) while she was continuing to throw stuff in for me to buy (somehow I knew I was paying) for her…. when we came to the end of an aisle and stopped to chat with someone we know – Diamond Desiree (who I’ve not see for about a year or so). 

Now they started chatting (Mom and baby stuff) while I was surrepticiously slipping a bulk box of Weed Killer into the trolley that I knew BigSal wouldn’t want, when suddenly for reasons beyond my comprehension I decided to make a run for it!  I scooped up Diamond Desiree’s toddler and threw her in my trolley but it wasn’t JJ, her extremely challenging young son (read parent’s ADHD nightmare) but rather it was her sister Andrea that I haven’t seen for about four years, who is currently in her mid 20s but for some reason in my dream was a toddler…  so I throw Toddler Andrea in the trolley, noted that I’d just crushed the fucking eggs, and start racing down the aisle and heading out of the store knowing that outside There Be Freedom ?!?!

BigSal and her other rugrat, Fishy Bob, decide to give chase and are running after me but they’re not concerned, they’re having fun – smiling happily and laughing a lot (Fishy Bob has an amazing laugh that conveys so much joy in such a little person, you have to hear it to believe it) while I am bolting for the door and knocking over a stack of Kimbies (old brand of disposable nappies from the 70s – queue Nana Mouskouri singing ‘We have joy, we have fun, we wear Kimbies on our bum’ ???) and pulling down another stack of my favourtite Cadbury’s Caramel Flavoured Drinking Chocolate (this is a discontinued line – the bastards!) which they then wade through like they’re in a ball pit at one of those Lollipop play places.

Now even though I’m trying to escape for some reason, I stop at the checkout and all the contents of my trolley are on the conveyor belt already including the fucking broken eggs, which are inexplicably pissing me off,… and the two small children, Toddler Andrea and Hazel are being scanned Simpsons style by Paul Bettany as the white albino priest, Silas from the Da Vinci Code, who is saying “You’re late, you’re late for a very important date!”  Thankfully it fades to white here as I wake up feeling somewhat discombobulated…  as you do.  :S

So now that I’m fully awake, I think there’s a special lesson here for all of us – Don’t Mix Your Prescription Opioids with Alcohol kiddies… it’ll send you ’round the twist!!!

Antisesquipedalianists Beware…

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I like words.  Always have actually.  Prefer crosswords to Sudoku and Scrabble over Yahtzee etc.  When I was in high school I used to get called a Walking Dictionary simply by virtue of having a half way decent vocabulary for someone my age.  Mind you it wasn’t difficult to have a more impressive grasp of the English vernacular than your average boy crazed, spiral permed, Duran Duran fan in the mid 80s. 

I recall one particular Geography lesson in grade eight where Miss Lowe (Miss Lowe was a freakishly tall and skinny, miserable spinster-bitch who wore patio dresses long after they went out of fashion) in a discussion about Papua New Guinean islanders, directed a question to the class about their gourd wearing habits – “Does anyone know what the word ‘phallic’ means?”  As was my normal habit I was busy doodling on the back of my notebook and so absentmindedly put up my hand… only to look up and find I was the only member of the class who had.  Which is how I ended up explaining the meaning of the word ‘phallic‘ to a bunch of giggling eighth graders at my all girl school!!  How embarrassment!  😐

Anyway, end of tangent – I have some letter magnets that I keep on my fridge which have been used over the last few years by household inhabitants and occasionally visitors to change into an interesting word.  Some word offerings have been known to sit on the fridge for many weeks, while others have needed changing the moment the creator has left the premises (thanks Surly for the ‘Fuckers’ you left for Angel to try and pronounce).  We’ve had impressive polysyllabic offerings, lewd and indecent ones and plenty of made up words too.

At the moment, in honour of my coming out as a closet wordsmith, the fridge says:

Which is a word you just don’t hear often enough.  🙂
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All the small things.

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I feel awful today maybe because I didn’t sleep so good last night.  Okay, no ‘mabye’ about it…. I KNOW I slept poorly,  I took some Valium before bed which normally works pretty good but tends to cause the occasional nightmare and I had one last night,  I dreamt that Mr K was standing over me and for some reason his presence was truly menacing and I woke up screaming.  Not good.  I went to the Physical Torture session also known as Physiotherapy and have come away feeling worse than when I went in!  So I’ve come home, had some morphine and a cup of tea and my back is still driving me cray-hay-haze-ee and I need new sh-hoo-hews! 

It’s all the little things that become insurmountably difficult when you’ve got back pain…

  • like putting your arms up to brush your hair
  • bending over to step into your pants
  • leaning over to check the mailbox
  • reaching up to press the garage door button
  • folding up a blanket
  • carrying parcels out shopping
  • getting in and out of the car
  • pushing the grocery trolley
  • stirring a pot on the stove
  • reaching up to turn on the Media PC
  • stretching to wipe down the kitchen  table
  • twisting to shoulder check when driving

and when these sorts of simple things cause you pain it’s no wonder that things like cleaning the bathroom, hanging out laundry and vacuuming are way out of the realm of possibility.  🙁  I just want to wake up one morning and feel no pain.  Just once … is that too much to ask.

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Sexual Favours for Grooming Services

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Male monkeys caught ‘paying’ for sex

Selling sex is said to be humankind’s oldest profession, but it may also have deep evolutionary roots. A new study into our primate cousins has found that male macaque monkeys pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency.

Michael Gumert of Nanyang Technological University in Singapore made the discovery in a 20-month investigation into 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, New Scientist reported. On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour, but this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male – and her partner of choice was likely to be the hunky monkey that did the grooming.

Market forces also acted on the value of the transaction. If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically – a male could “buy” a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking. But if there were no females around, he would have to groom for up to 16 minutes before sex was offered. The work supports the theory that biological market forces can explain social behaviour, the British weekly says.

“There is a very well-known mix of economic and mating markets in the human species itself,” said Ronald Noe of France’s University of Strasbourg. “There are many examples of rich old men getting young attractive ladies.”

– AFP

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This reminded me of an occasion when I once complimented BigSal on her freshly nailpolished purple toenails. Which got a sour and somewhat disgruntled response that Surly was supposed to do them for her. Ever hip to the lingo, I could tell she had traded ‘favours’ with him and jokingly teased her by asking if she’d promised him a blow job to do them for her. I could tell by her unspoken response that I had hit the nail on the head (no pun intended) AND further could tell that she had coughed up (again, no pun intended) her end of the deal first! 🙂

Silly girl… hint for beginners… you should always, always get the work done first 🙂

Et tu Brute?

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I finished reading one of the books I bought at the Boxing Day sale today – Orgy Planner Wanted by Vicki Leon.  It’s a book about occupations in ancient Greece and Rome and I picked it up because I rather enjoyed the British TV series Worst Jobs in History. (oh there’s a quiz… my results below!)*  Being part of the SCA, you occasionally wonder what your life would have been like if you’d have lived in the medieval period or ancient times.  We’d like to think that you would have had a pretty good life had you existed back then – but odds were you’d have been a peasant, worked hard all your life for little or no wages, ate crap food, slept hard and cold and then died young of some hideous (but now totally curable) disease.   Which was probably par for the course but for a very privileged few.

 

The book was quite a good read, and right about my speed (given my limited concentration span these days) which means it was written as a piece of entertainment rather than as a historical essay for scholars…. not too heavy going and filled with interesting and often amusing anecdotes.  I reckon I would have had to try and marry young or become a Vestal virgin.  Maybe I could have been one of the charlatans making little lead curses for a fee or perhaps it would have been the whorehouse for me… options were pretty limited for women by the looks of it.

 

I’ve also been watching Rome again lately.  I’ve been inflicting it on a friend (as you do when you’ve really enjoyed something) which means I get to watch it all over again.  I loved this series, the vibrant way they bought classical history to life and served it up in an easily identifiable way for modern audiences.  I particularly love how earthy they made it and thought had something for everyone   enough nudity, violence, blood and gore for the boys, and enough politicking, backstabbing and conniving for the girls.  Bonus!  🙂  Unfortunately it never got a run up here… the first episode or two I think were run at a ridiculously late time slot and then it got axed which is a shame cos it was certainly well worth it.  And while Lucius Vorenis is no Captain Mal, we think he made a strong, hunky male lead anyway.  🙂

History’s Worst Jobs Career Guide Quiz

Your Score –  You scored 20 points.

0 to 30  No one is saying that you’re work-shy, but a more sedentary occupation would suit you, even if it gets a trifle monotonous. It’s a little messy, but being an Executioner won’t put huge demands on your time. If you don’t mind getting wet or sitting still, Bath attendant or Artist’s model might do for you. Or if you’re not too squeamish about the sight of blood, pus or the odd taste of urine, try putting in an application form for some of the medical jobs: Leech collector, Barber-surgeon or Loblolly boy.
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