Angel blindsided me again this evening. I’ve been feeling pretty ordinary all week (girly-swot problems I think) and was laying on the couch with the heat pack and a cuppa trying to relax and not focus on how much I am hating my job right now… when Angel came up to me and asked me when I was going to have another baby. God this kid has a memory as old as Methuselah!!! He remembers heaps of stuff I don’t give him credit for, and then springs things on me. He’s done this before a few times even, and each time it still seems to upset me.
I haven’t had any IVF procedures since about September 2005, and basically I just try not to think about it if I can avoid it… which means on a day to day basis, I’ve been working hard on convincing myself that I’m over it, and that I don’t care about it anymore. But then Angel will come out with a comment like that…. or I will get a bill in the mail to pay for the storage of the ten embryos that I still have in the freezer…. or my boss will tell me with a huge smile on her face that she’s pregnant – and it all comes out again. It feels like an old wound sitting in the back of my brain, and all it takes is a slight knock to rip the scab off and open it up fresh again….. as raw and painful as it was years ago.
The window is well and truly closing and I’ve done nothing but ignore the situation for the last eighteen months. I have allowed myself to put it on the back burner while my father was sick, but in the six months since Dad passed away, I’ve been unwilling to turn the rock over and have a look at how I’m feeling about it all…. something tells me it ain’t gonna be pretty – and I honestly don’t feel like I have the energy or the strength to deal with it anymore.