Ever since I started this job, I’m finding I dont have time for the things I used to do… the things I have to around here… the things that wont get done if I dont do them type jobs…. like groceries, dusting, cleaning, washing, paying bills, cleaning up, folding laundry, cooking,… and the rest of that never ending damn list of home ownership/ home management type stuff. No time! And even less inclination!
And then there’s personal things I want to do …like the little girlie maintenance type stuff like….getting a leg wax, or time to get my nails done. And I’m not even a particularly high maintenance girlie… i’ve never had a facial, dont go in for eyebrow waxing and tinting, never had a body polish or skin treatment and all that other nonsense… hell I haven’t even been to a hairdresser since 1995!!!
I’m only thinking about it, because I want to get my nails done tomorrow, and I can see it just wont happen in amongst the fixing school lunches, wasting time dealing with the health insurance company, cleaning the kitchen, taking Angel to school, harassing the travel agent, picking up some prescriptions, folding the laundry and going to work at 12pm. I know the smart thing to do would be to forget about manicures altogether….. but I dont want to.
It sounds ridiculous to me when I say it out loud, but… having lovely manicured hands makes me feel feminine… which is no small feat for someone who’s been dealing with hideous emotional effects of infertility for the last seven years. I dont think there’s a female equivalent of the term – emasculation – but that is how it feels… like I’m not truly womanly, not really feminine…. like I’m a failure as a woman somehow. I know, it sounds stupid to think that nice nails can help counterbalance all that baggage, … but there you have it – here’s me… hair down to my waist, DDs, often wearing brighter pink than should be legal… and all the while acutely (and painfully) aware that I’m not as womanly and feminine as fertile women, and it affects me in a way that is hard to ignore. Which then flows on to affect your sense of your sexuality and then all sorts of other psycho-babble bullshit comes into play.
Or maybe it’s none of that stuff and it’s just cos of my ‘thing” for hands… Shrug…. I dont know. Either way, I seem to have bundled all this stuff together, focused it on the one thing that noticeably makes me feel less femme-asculated (well you find a term that’s a feminine equivalent for ’emasculation’). And now it’s all typed out the whole thing seems even more ludicrous then it does in my head. 😐
But… ludicrous or not…. all this is underlying why I want to keep my manicured nails…. but God knows how I’m going to find the time! 🙁
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