Et tu?

Posted on October 14, 2005 by borysSNORC

Well, while it is no surprise to me, I am feeling enormous pressure from Mr K who wants to put the IVF behind us for once and for all. He says he is perfectly happy with our little family, and doesn’t mind if it is just the three of us. On one hand it seems the easy way out would be to say OK and give it all the flick. But it is easier said than done to give up on everything I have been aiming for for the last four years. And what are the repercussions of doing just that? Would I end up regretting my decision? I am still young as far as IVF is concerned, if I give it up, will I regret it later? If I give it up because it is the easier course, or to make Mr K happy, will I end up resenting him for that? (seems like something I would do, never been one to forgive people easily for the big stuff). It is easy for Mr K to say lets give it away. I know he probably isn’t thinking like this, but it is a fact of life, that if, in 10 years time, he regrets not having more children, then he has choices in the future – it is entirely possible for him to trade me in on a faster fertile model. Not that I think he would do that – but I wouldn’t be the first woman it has happened to.

I think giving up now, means me accepting my failure. I wouldn’t just FEEL like a failure any more, I would have to acknowledge that I have failed. God, I need some space. I can’t get my thoughts together these days. I need to get my shit together without being pressured by my family, and importantly without Mr K projecting his desires onto mine. Often I find myself altering my needs to suit his, as I am sure he does with me also. But I think with this, if I am to come to accept that this is it for good, then I need it to be a decision based singularly on what I feel without being impacted upon by anyone else.

OT – I sometimes wonder if there is a feminine variant of the word ’emasculated’. Cos that is how being infertile makes me feel, like I am missing all the feminine and womanly things that other women have, and for reasons I can’t define, it all hinges on my inability to concieve. Why do I feel like I am less than a woman, because I can’t breed?
.

As Predicted

Posted on October 11, 2005 by borysSNORC

My sister invited herself over today for lunch today, which would hardly be worth commenting on, except that she bought lunch with her, which is something she just doesn’t do. So I knew she had something to tell me. And surprise, surprise, she’s up the duff.

I knew that was coming, though wasn’t expecting it so soon. I managed to hold it together while she was there, and made all the appropriate “I’m happy for you” noises that people expect. I was fine until I had to tell Hubby about it, at which point he looked right through me and I fell to pathetic little bits. The truth is I am not happy for her, which is something that I feel guilty about, because I should be pleased for her. But I am just not. Mostly, I am just jealous as all shit. Jealous, angry, frustrated, and increasingly bitter about my own situation.
.

Spring war wine tour!!!

Posted on October 4, 2005 by borysSNORC

I have had an amazing weekend away this weekend. Mr K drove me to TBA, so I could car pool with MD to Spring War. We all went out to see Serenity, with the SFV in tow, and I was glad to get the chance to see it before we went away for the weekend. The drive down was uneventful, I always enjoy having time to talk with MD, and he is a great conversationalist. I may have got a speeding ticket on the way down though – time will tell!

Once we got there it didn’t take long to get all settled, so we got a head start on the drinking! It was a good opportunity to get to know the RH crew a lot better, as we camped right beside them. God it was bloody cold on Friday night though – I am going to have to remember never to take an air mattress to cold events! (I said the same thing after last festival!)

Saturday turned out to be a fantastic day. Myself and a small gang of people ambivbalent about the fighting jumped in a couple of cars and hit the Hunter Valley Wineries. We left around 9am, and by the time we got back just after lunch, we were half cut having done half a dozen wineries and checked out a couple of cheese shops, a fudge place and a chocolate place. Lots of testing wines (feels strange to be drinking port by 11am!) and loads of yummy cheeses and gourmet pates etc. We purchased a whole pile of delicious tidbits to have that night after dinner. I will remember this night for a long time. We had dinner (got asked to join the King’s table but respectfully decline – we were having too much fun hanging out with the plebs! After dinner, there was lots of port and then late night cheesy goodness munchies with MrC, RtV, ABK, MD and myself.

Sunday was fun too even though I was a little hung over and a lot sleep deprived, I spent most of the day hanging out with Cindy and Lorcan’s wife, which was good. I often get along really well with Cindy, even though we aren’t particularly close friends. Sunday night was good fun too, had dinner with MD, Agro&Wife, HdM, Bug and Kazz.

Spent Sunday night getting ridiculously drunk with RaCeY and Macca… which made getting up the next morning extremely difficult! Packed up and started the drive home very very hung over…. Probably wasn’t great company on the way home if memory serves!
.