I went to see Dr IVF today and I had no idea what I was going to say to him when I got there. I wanted to quit, and tell him how I had had enough of all this shit, and I didn’t think I could face it anymore. The ambivalence that I have been experiencing after my recent unsuccessful treatments is really disconcerting. I seemed to have anaesthetized or numbed myself against the full impact of my emotions. How did that come about anyway? I know it is some sort of mental self preservation trick that your brain plays on you, to save you from the full import of your emotions. I feel rather heartless for not being upset that the cycle has failed, especially when everyone expects you to be messy. I was really uncomfortable when Hubby kept trying to comfort me over the weekend, like he was trying to elicit the response he expected in order to make himself feel useful. In the past, his primary role (other than his 10 minute contribution in the Mastabatorium) was to provide emotional support when things didn’t work out. And lately, I feel like I just dont need it.
Dr IVF once told me that I was one of his biggest problem patients, and that he worried about my case quite a bit. That was over a year ago now, so no doubt I am top of his list by now. Its an ignominious distinction that I would prefer to live without. Today, I didn’t know if I wanted to jump back on the rollercoaster, all I can see are the downsides, and no benefits in sight. But he took charge from the moment I stepped in his office, and asked if I would let him take another crack at it. I didn’t exaclty voice any enthusiasm for it, but didn’t express any barriers either. So the Readers Digest version is that I am doing another pick up cycle, which means I will be in for surgery again end of next week or early the week after that. Before I left, Dr IVF said the most bizarre thing ‘God must have something special planned for you.’ and when I asked him why, he said ‘Or He would have made you pregnant by now’. I dont like the idea that this whole thing is predestined. I think I have always thought of it taking a gamble. Follow all your instructions, and roll the dice, see if luck is on your side sort of thing. The fatalistic ideology he is talking about unnerves me somehow, maybe cos I dont think God looks kindly on heretical lapsed Catholics like me. I dont know, and I am sick of thinking about it.
I start my injections tomorrow, and then the fun really starts…
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