I am going for another embryo transfer this Friday, and I am feeling…. really nervy. I have had about 20 of these procedures now, so much so, that for a long time I have hardly been phased by them at all. It is a totally painless procedure, you turn up, you go through a relatively short process which is kinda like having a pap smear (but with half a dozen people milling about) and then you get dressed, have a cuppa and go home again. It is the after stuff that has me feeling nervous this time around. The horrible 19 day wait to see if it has worked has now bee stretched out to about a 40 day wait. Even if I get the positive we have been waiting for, it is now obvious that this is no true indicator that everything has worked properly. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and I find the waiting torturous.
I have had this thought plaguing me since getting the pathology results from the D&C last week – how many of the 30 odd embryos that have been transferred back have had this condition? What if, for the last two and a half years, we have been jumping throught the IVF hoops, and unknown to us, it has all been a huge waste of time and resources? IVF Dr doesn’t seem to be concerned, and says that having had one incident of Trisomy 22 doesn’t necessarily indicate that any of the other embryos were at any higher than normal risk of having the same condition. But I can’t help thinking that my PCOS isn’t the reason I am not getting pregnant. IVF circumnavigates the anovulation issues, so there must be something else prohibiting us from achieving a viable pregnancy. I just dont know what it is.
Throughout my entire life, I have never put more effort, mental energy, time, resources and money into trying to achieve something, and yet remain a total failure at it. I have never been unable to achieve something that I had set my mind to, and find my inability to affect the outcome of an IVF cycle to be the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered. Being out of control of my own life isn’t something I relish, and some days I feel that my IVF Dr has more control over my body than I do. How long can I keep this up?
Dr IVF has figured out that my head isn’t right at the moment. Whenever he asks how my mental state is, I have to admit that I feel like my brain is going to explode. I have been so depressed that I get tearful whenever I go to see him, no matter how determined I am to try and hold it together. More than anyone, even more than Hubby I think, Dr IVF has been there through everything single step of this, and has seen exactly what I have gone through so far. He is certainly the most understanding and empathetic medico I have ever met, I don’t know how he does it. Last visit he wanted to put me on antidepressants – I think he has given up suggesting that I go for counselling.
Last year sometime, I took him up on the therapy thing for a while, but basically feel it doesn’t help much. Confiding in people who couldn’t give a crap about my wellbeing has never seemed overly beneficial to me. One of the shrinks that they sent me to obviously had no idea what the hell I was on about – her room was plastered with photos of her children and grandchildren, and when I asked her if she had ever had any infertility problems she said she hadn’t. The session ended with her handing me some pamphletts spruiking the benefits of weight loss for PCOS women. It felt like she was saying – ‘you poor dear, get off your fat arse, lose some weight and you will be fine’. Needless to say, I never went back.
I am equally disenchanted with the concept of medication for depression. I have a few friends who have been taking anti-depressants for years. Some of them say they can’t NOT take their drugs, they have been on them so long it has become an emotional crutch for everyday living. I really dont need a substance dependancy on top of my other problems thanks very much. Maybe they could help, maybe I wouldn’t become reliant on them – but I just dont want to go there if I can avoid it.
Having said all that… I dont know if I can keep this up. I feel so… emotionally exhausted?!?