Enter the Trick Cyclists.

So, this whole surrogacy gig has a defined process… you go to the fertility clinic and say ‘Hey, I have found this incredible woman who is prepared to lend us her uterus, (rent free!), and give us the biggest gift of our lives’, and the fertility specialist says ‘Yep, she’s a goodun, let’s move forward’, and he signs you off as eligible for surrogacy in accordance with the Surrogacy Act of Qld, 2010.   Step One, very straight forward.

Then Step Two, they send you to the psychiatrists… and for some reason, the big fertility clinics are referring people to the biggest, most expensive, but very experienced, surrogacy psych in town.  A wanker named Michael Condon.  The only reason I know this man to be a wanker, is because the surrogacy groups on Facebook and the Surrogacy Australia Forum are only too happy to share their good and bad experiences.  Michael Condon has a widespread reputation for being a complete arsehole – arrogant, full of wankery, making people sit an entire personality and mental health questionnaire of 500 odd questions.  Yes, that questionnaire, the one they usually reserve for seriously fucked up people with serious mental health problems containing questions like : “You have difficulty ignoring the voices in your head” – True or False… yeah, try answering that. True: ‘I have difficulty ignoring the voices in my head’, OR False: ‘I have no difficulty ignoring the voices in my head’… but where the fuck is the, ‘There are no fucking voices in my head‘ option?!  You can tell I have done this test before and found it traumatic and somewhat ridiculous the first time round, so I was keen to avoid wasting another hour or so of my life on that sort of psychobabble bullshit. Anyway, based on the info and feedback from the surrogacy forums, I was planning to avoid the wanker, Michael Condon at all costs (and hells yes he is pricey – by all accounts he charges up to three times what others charge).

We ended up choosing a psychologist named Nicole Wimmer who specialises in relationship counselling, grief and loss counselling, pain management, infertility issues, and of course surrogacy counselling.  Well, I think she sounded right up our alley… and will wonders never cease, she has actually been down the IVF road herself and actually ‘gets’ it.  I have seen several counsellors over my years of dealing with pain, dealing with IVF and dealing with grief over IVF, and not a single one of them really ‘gets’ what keeps driving people like me to have a child/children.  People for whom these things come easily just literally have no idea what it is like – they don’t get it.  They just don’t.

Fortunately our first counselling session went really well.  She bought up a lot of things that we have already been talking about with our surrogate – apparently I am allowed to call her ‘our surrogate’ rather than ‘the surrogate’… which feels weird to me, as there are connotations of ownership with that turn of phrase, that I am not really all that comfortable with.  I am sure I will get over it, all the other IPs on the forums use the term – and usually with a great deal of affection.  Anyway, so we had our session this morning and Nicole was great – easy going, very approachable and intelligent and understanding.  She raised a few issues we had not thought about – like the fact that we needed to update our Will to reflect our wishes in the event that we both karked it in the middle of this process – but nothing major leaped out at us as having been overlooked in our discussions with our surrogate (yeah, that’s going to take a bit of getting used to).

Next step is counselling for our surrogate – tomorrow afternoon as it turns out, and if that goes well… onto a group session sometime next week.

Now that this is all happening (I have the bills starting to come in to prove it!) – I really feel like I think I need someone to pinch me.

insight-surrogacy-web-plasma

We have a surrogate. OMG! OMG!

Okay, I need to calm the fuck down a bit… I feel like I going to hyperventilate.

I have met the most lovely, and I mean truly genuinely lovely, wonderful, smart and sensible lady who has offered to surrogate for us.  She is absolutely perfect.  And trust me, the smart and sensible bit in the previous sentence is sooo important! (Especially after our recent surrogate offer from last month).  We met for a coffee today and it felt like we had known each other for years.  We were chatting away very easily and comfortably for hours – which was great because I was so worried she wouldn’t like me… women rarely do for some reason.  :/

We are on the same page with all the big ticket items as far as pregnancy and surrogacy is concerned – how many embryos to be transferred, what to do if there is a sever abnormality detected, ideologies on medically necessary termination, accidental multiple birth etc., All the big hard conversations have been had and like I said, sensible and likeminded.  I can’t believe our good fortune in meeting her.

I have no concerns whatsoever that this woman will make a wonderful surrogate.  She lives nearby (only an hour away) which means we will be able to be very involved if we have a successful pregnancy and her motivations are good – she’s keen to do this because she has watched a friend struggle through 12 years of infertility but was never in a position to be able to offer to surrogate for her friend.  And while we have gone “yes!” and are unable to believe our luck – that she chose us out of the untold number of other couples that she could have opted to help – I am seriously freaking the fuck out.

It’s my natural pessimistic state I am afraid.  All I can see is ‘what ifs’ and they are all bad… so, so bad.

What if she decides to keep the baby? (under stupid Qld law, she can do that)
What if she changes her mind before we even get to transfer?
What if none of our embryos are viable after all this time?
What if she gets pregnant but has a horrible miscarriage? (I would feel responsible)
What if this whole thing sends up broke and we get nothing to show for it?
What if everything goes pear shaped and we find ourselves in court in a landmark test case, desperately attempting to gain custody of our own biological child because she can’t part with the child once it is born?

I have had nothing but bad and horrible and negative experiences surrounding IVF, and attempts at baby creation… and I can’t help but project them onto my expectations here.  I know this situation is all different and has nothing to do with my traitorous body… but my mind is just not stopping with this freight train of negativity.

surrogacy baby

Commonly used IVF and Infertility Acronyms

The world of infertility and IVF is bit of a mystery to most and it is full of a weird language that only initiates seem to understand.  If you’re new to the whole thing, the jargon can all seem a bit overwhelming, especially when the Frequent Flyers are throwing around a lot of acronyms that don’t seem to make any sense at all.  I found a short list of commonly used acronyms for IVF and infertility terms, and amended it by adding in quite a few that we use at my clinic, and that I see regularly used on the various forums and infertility support groups.  Hopefully if anyone stumbles onto this list, feeling lost with all the lingo, this might help somewhat – though at the end of the day, Google is your friend.  


2WW = 2-Week Wait

AH, AZH = Assisted Hatching
AHI = At-home Insemination
AI = Artificial Insemination
AIH = Artificial Insemination from Husband
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
ASRM = American Society of Reproductive Medicine
BA = Baby Aspirin
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BG = Blood Glucose
BW, b/w = Bloodwork
CASA = Computer-assisted Semen Analysis
CD = Cycle Day
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
CNM = Certified Nurse Midwife
COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation
CPFM = ClearPlan Fertility Monitor
CVS = Chorionic Villae Sampling
D&C = Dilation & Curettage
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DI = Donor Insemination
DOR = Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis 
E2 = Estradiol
EB, EMB = Endometrial Biopsy
ED= Egg Donor
EDD = Estimated Due Date
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ER=Egg Retrival
ET = Embryo Transfer
FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose
FI = Fasting Insulin
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FP = Follicular Phase
FS = Fertility Specialist
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
GC=Gestational Carrier
GD = Gestational Diabetes
GIFT = Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GTT = Glucose Tolerance Test
GS= Gestational Surrogate
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HCP = Health Care Practitioner
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HRT = Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC = Hysteroscopy
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram
ICI = Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IF= Intended Father
IGTT = Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections)
IM= Intended Mother
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IP= Intended Parents
IR = Insulin Resistant
ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVC = Intra-vaginal Culture
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LP = Luteal Phase
LPD = Luteal Phase Defect
LSCD = Lower Section Caesarian Delivery
LSP = Low Sperm Count
MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage
MF = Male Factor
MIFT = Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer
MMR = Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccine
MRI = Magnetic Resonance Imaging
NEST = Non-surgical Embryonic Selective Thinning
NORIF = Non-stimulated Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
NP = Nurse Practitioner
NSA = Non-surgical Sperm Aspiration
O, OV = Ovulation 
OB = Obstetrician
OB/GYN = Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC = Oral Contraceptives
OPK Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPSS = Overweight & Pregnant Support (mail list)
OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC = Over The Counter
P4 = Progesterone
PA = Physician’s Assistant
PCAO= Polycystic Appearing Ovaries
PCO = Polycystic Ovaries
PCOD = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP = Primary Care Physician
PCT = Post Coital Test
PESA = Percutaneous Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
PG = Pregnant
PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
PI = Primary Infertility
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
PNM = Perinatal Mortality
POC = Products of Conception
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
PROM = Premature Rupture of Membranes
PTLS = Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome
RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH, R-hFSH = Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RI = Reproductive Immunologist
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
RSA = Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion
Rx = Prescription
SA = Semen Analysis
SART = Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
s/b, S/B = Stillbirth
SCORIF = Stimulated Cycle Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
SHG, SonoHSG = Sonohysterogram
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Saline Injection Sonogram
SM= Surrogate Mother
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration
TESE = Testicular Sperm Extraction
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TL = Tubal Ligation
TR = Tubal Reversal
TORCH =Toxoplasmosis, Other, Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes test
TR = Tubal Reversal
TS = Traditional Surrogate
TSI = Timed Sexual Intercourse
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTCAR = Trying to Conceive after Reversal
TUFT = Trans-uterine Fallopian Transfer
TVEPU = Trans-Vaginal Egg Pick Up
TVU = Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound
TWW = Two Week Wait
US, u/s = Ultrasound

V = Vasectomy
VR = Vasectomy Reversal
ZIFT = Zygote Intra-fallopian Transfer

IVF jargon acronyms

Abandoned surrogate child is only one of many such tragedies

Abandoned surrogate child is only one of many such tragedies

WHAT have we become? Where even to begin?

An Australian couple travel to Thailand in the hope of finding a surrogate to carry their child.

They find a 21-year-old girl who is deeply in debt, and already has a five-year-old, and another child. They pay her about $11,000 to ­undergo IVF, and so she falls pregnant, and it’s twins.

The Australian couple is delighted. To be clear, these children are their children, meaning their own flesh and blood. Time passes, and a test is done. One of the ­babies has Down syndrome.

Now the mood turns dark. First, the Australian couple tries to order the surrogate to have an abortion. She refuses, so they try to bully her into having a “selective reduction’’ (this is term given to the culling of unwanted, usually disabled, foetuses in multiple pregnancies.)

She again refuses, and gives birth to both children. At which point, the Australian couple take the healthy baby from her arms, and spirit her away.

In the process, they leave her baby brother — her twin, Gammy — struggling with a lung infection and a hole in his tiny heart.

Most Australians have reacted with horror. How does anyone do that?

How do you get on the plane with your daughter, knowing that your baby son — her twin — is fighting for his life?

How do you show off a new baby, knowing that she has a twin that you have abandoned, on foreign shores?

What does this couple intend to tell their daughter, in years to come? You had a brother, but he was disabled, so we left him to his fate. The situation is grotesque, yet Australians should know this Gammy is not the first, and he will not be the last.

The Australian embassy in Bangkok deals daily with Australian couples who travel to Thailand to find a surrogate to carry their baby.

In recent years, the embassy has had to open a new room to cope with demands from new parents, including many same-sex couples, who have no idea how to care for the babies they’ve ordered. These parents go to the embassy for the documents they need to bring their children back to Australia, and stay to beg for help from staff on how to nurse, burp and change their infants.

This is not the first time one of those couples has tried to order a woman to have an abortion; very often, they succeed.

Nor is it the first time that embassy staff have had to deal with a couple refusing to take their own child home.

In one earlier, unreported case, a surrogate went to embassy complaining that an Australian couple was trying to back out of their contract because she was carrying twins, and they wanted only one child. The embassy stepped in, and the couple ended up taking both children.

Another couple tried to make a surrogate have an abortion because she was carrying a boy and they wanted a girl (according to embassy workers, when it comes to surrogacy, Australian couples overwhelmingly prefer girls). She refused, and the Australian couple reluctantly took their son.

In another case, almost as shocking as Gammy’s, the embassy has had to persuade an Australian couple to pay the medical bills of their own, sick child, after they initially refused to pay on the grounds that she was one of a set of twins, and they only wanted one child.

In this case, the couple told the embassy they had paid for one baby and only wanted one baby. The babies were born at 28 weeks and, when one of them needed both intensive care, and follow-up treatment, the Australian couple actually had the gall to ask the embassy for help in getting out of their contract, which stipulated that they would help with medical costs, on the grounds that the surrogate had refused to have an abortion and should therefore bear the cost of complications from a multiple birth.

Is this then, who we are now are? A nation so rich that we can easily hurdle the problem of infertility by travelling abroad to pay poorer women to have our children; and yet so poor in spirit that we would then abandon those ­infants for the crime of being born in the wrong number, or of the wrong gender, or somehow less than perfect?

The answer is no. Not all of us are like that. At time of writing, good people had opened their wallets and donated more than $190,000 to Gammy’s care. Others had offered to open their homes — but remember, he is not the only one, and by tomorrow, there will be more, and so the question remains: Have we gained the whole world, and lost our own soul?

Caroline Overington is a best-selling author and journalist who has won the Sir Keith Murdoch Award for Journalism and a Walkley Award for investigative journalism.

A good surrogate or not a good surrogate.

I have met a woman on the Surrogacy Australia forum who has offered to surrogate for us.  She lives in Albury which is a bit on the inconvenient side, but when you are planning on entering into something like this, do you really get to be choosy about where your wonderful helping angel comes from?  I think not.  Luckily, I am going to be down in Canberra in mid-August so I am hoping to take a day trip out to meet her.

She has five children and loves being pregnant and loves newborns, which is lovely because she understands how important babies and children are in people’s lives.  Unfortunately she has what sounds like a slightly deranged ex-husband who was ‘abusive to her and her kids’… which is a huge worry.  What if her being pregnant with our child sent him into a tail spin and put her and her children (and our potential child too!) at risk of his habitually violent ways?!  When I asked her about this, she quite dismissed it and said it was none of his business.

It is a bit of a conundrum from where we stand… obviously we desperately want a surrogate to help us in this enormous endeavour, but at the same time we really need that to be the right person – someone who will happily give the baby back to us, the biological parents and stick by the surrogacy agreement should we be fortunate enough to have a positive outcome at the end of the process.  We definitely do not need complications like an interfering or violent ex-partner.   What to do?  What to do?  I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth and say ‘no’, when there is no guarantee that any future offer may come our way.  🙁

Update 10th August:
Well, the more I got to know this lady, the more concerned I became.  Her husband had sexually abused her and her two eldest daughters before she finally managed to kick him out, and was known to local police for being of violent temperament.  Yet she had no restraining order in place to provide her and her family some protection.  This to me indicated that she was not someone who was unlikely to act with good judgement.  In itself, this is bad enough, but we got to talking and she told me she collected ‘baby dolls’, on enquiry, it turns out that after a miscarriage a number of years earlier, she had bought herself an expensive ‘Reborn Doll’, which, it turns out, is a freakishly realistic (but not really) newborn sized and weighted doll.  And now she has collected four in total. O.o

creepy baby doll

Sigh… I am sure she is trying her best to work through her own really crappy circumstances, but I am convinced she is not a good candidate for surrogacy.  The doll collecting thing is just a bit too creepy for my liking… and kinda suggests she would have real trouble handing over a baby that she had been nurturing for nine months.  🙁