The Cirque du Soleil was excellent last night… but as predicted after sitting on those shitty seats (that were causing me pain at the time) I am really paying for it today.  I slept so poorly – tossed and turned all night and woke more times than I can count.  When I actually got up this morning, I was sleeping on my stomach and my pillows had been thrown out of the bed at some point… not a good sign.  This is really unusual for me as I often (especially when I’ve taken Valium etc) seem to wake up in the exact same position as I went to sleep in.  I also NEVER sleep on my stomach because of what it does to my neck – and well, because… you know… the tits kinda get in the way.  So yes, slept really bad and after levering myself out of bed and throwing down some drugs IMMEDIATELY… the day has sort of gone downhill from there.

I feel like I’ve spent most of my day going round in circles… make a cuppa, heatpack, stretchy exercises, try to read – can’t concentrate, try to watch a movie or something, fix something for the Small Child to eat, heatpack, get a neck rub, cuppa, get online to write some emails, try to read – can’t concentrate, make a cuppa, feed Small Child again, try more stretchy exercises, get online for a bit – try to do some banking and pay some bills, try to read – still can’t concentrate, play Wii with Small Child for a bit, another heatpack, try to do more stretchy exercises but pain is still really bad, damn I’m out of mid-range analgesics, call my Mum for a chat,  have some Valium, try to read again – really can’t concentrate now, get online – actively avoid shopping websites, Small Child hungry again, time for another heatpack, cuppa and eventually some Muppets which is about my speed at the moment.  😐

I am in so much pain I’ve spent most of the day 1) trying not to cry and 2) trying not to get cross with the Small Child.  I can’t stand, I can’t sit still, I can’t move my head properly, I’ve got a massive knot of pain in between my shoulder blades and seriously tense and painful neck and shoulder muscles.   I’ve been nervously fidgeting, twitching, clenching my teeth and tapping my feet or shaking my leg all day (don’t ask).  

I’m fucked, I’m fucked, I’m fucked.    Sigh… I think if there had been a responsible adult in the vicinity I would have taken a hefty dose of morphine this morning and crawled back into bed.

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I used to run Amok Amok Amok Amok Amok!  but not since the last car accident.  As it happens I seem to have done something strange to set off my neck worse than usual (and my usual ain’t that great to start with).  I’m not sure what I’ve done though and that pisses me off as it makes it kinda difficult to avoid the aggravating behaviour/activity if I can’t identify what the hell it was.   🙁

Quite literally since I woke up yesterday morning right through all day today I’ve been unable to turn my head to the left or lean my head over towards my left shoulder without getting a serious acutely painful spasm shooting up the left side of my neck.  Which rather hampers your ability to say… drive and shoulder check safely or lay down and rest your head on a pillow comfortably or sit still without feeling your muscles fatigue by the second.  🙁  

Have you ever had the feeling that your head is too heavy for your neck to hold it up?   Well I have and I don’t like it.

So instead of a weekend that was supposed to be filled with frivolities like the Blokenstein farewell party I’ve spent a large portion of my weekend mooning about the house trying not to be totally pathetic…. and I dare say I’ve probably failed miserably.

Extra valium for me tonight kiddies… and hopefully that will level me out a bit for tomorrow as the silly season is in full swing and I’m in no mood to try and put on a happy holiday face feeling like this.
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Yeah ……………   I got nothing.
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If such a thing is humanly possible I think I may have had a worse night’s sleep last night than the night before, though this time I don’t recall any secret squirrel packaging or clothing malfunctions amidst the tossing and turning all night trying to get comfortable.  I find it hard to describe what it’s like to be in pain all the time and how it feels to be literally uncomfortable in your own skin.  I lay this way and my lower back screams at me, I turn that way and my upper back ramps up, I lay some other bloody way and some other hither to unnoticably pained part decides to let itself be known.  It’s kinda like having constant deep post-operative pain.  That’s the only way I can describe it. 

Imagine you’ve had a TVEPU (TransVaginal Egg Pick Up where they knock you out and stick a massive needle up your cloaca to aspirate the fluids and ova from your hyper stimulated ovaries) or maybe you’ve just had a C-section delivery … having only ever had female specific surgeries I can’t think of a male equivalent strangely enough :S… and your body aches all over because the anaethetist wasn’t gentle with the needles or the intubation and the surgeon knows you don’t feel pain while you’re under so he goes hell for leather and the orderlies chuck you around while you’re out so you’ve been bumped and jostled and suffered all sorts of indignities while unconscious.  So now you’re in the recovery ward and you just can’t find a way to lay comfortably.  Some bits of you are experience high level acute pain (like the opsite or whatever) other bits are just achey and you’re just painfully uncomfortable.  It hurts to lay still.  It hurts to move about.  You try every recumbent posture known to woman/man and invent some to boot, have a gazillion pillows, heatpacks and whatever else you can get your hands on and nothing works.  You’re just uncomfortable in your own skin and nothing seems to help… except massive amounts of sedatives. 

Now imagine you feel like that every fucking day.

I woke up this morning and my hands felt cramped as though I’d either been clenching them all night or had been curling my wrists up in an extremely uncomfortably position.  I’ve been told that I seem to carry a LOT of tension in my forearms, though fucked if I know why.  No valium o’night means the jaw clenching was worse this morning.  This is probably a positive for the rest of the household on days like this as it means I’m not overly talkative.  Given that I have nothing to say other than "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Fuckity! Ow!!!" and other various statements in a similar vein I’m pretty sure that Mr K and the Small Child are secretly pleased on some level with my morning lock jaw.

Borys: (making pathetic little noises) Fuck my back hurts  🙁
Yale:  You know… I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that before.
Borys: Mumble fuck… mumble fuck…. sarcastic bastard.

Anyway blah blah blah…. boo-hoo… poor me.  Bitching about it doesn’t make it go away either so I should STFU.   Thank you yaleman for coming through and driving the Small Child to school this morning… I wasn’t expecting him to – given that he’s working night shifts this week – I just wish i’d known about it last night so I could have doped myself up to the eyeballs as is my habit.  I’ve spent the day avoiding the grocery shopping, trying to execute no sudden moves so as to avoid causing sharp spasms of pain and basically just gently pottering around the house rubbing my eyes and face nervily and trying not to wring my hands and working really hard to pretend that all is okay with the world with varying measures of success.

Sigh… other than that, shagsywagsy getting a new tattoo resulting in endless (and fruitless) entreaties via SMS from my end to disclose location and design of same 🙂 is the only distraction the day offered and it’s now barely 8pm and I feel that if someone poked me I would literally collapse into teeny tiny little pieces that Vesna could sweep under the carpet in the morning.

I promise to not bitch about my back again tomorrow.
(Can anyone tell if you have your fingers crossed when you blog?)
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