Well, I guess it is no surprise really. It has been two weeks since I lost the baby, and hardly anyone has asked me how I am coping. Other than Mr K, the only people who seem concerned about how I am getting along are MajDazzles, Equinom and Flip. Which no doubt makes me luckier than some people. But even then, Equinom isn’t someone I really confide in. I mean I can talk to her about men, life, and sex etc, but I often feel the need to appear detached and mentally very strong with her. Which is really weird because she is the one person who never seems to judge me for my behaviour or opinions. Filip and I are close, but we mostly chat on the MSN, and I find it hard to open up when you are typing. Some conversations are meant to be had in person I think.
MajDazzles was over last weekend, and we had a long conversation. Talking with him makes me feel better in a strange backhanded kind of way – he seems to think I have this perfect life, and reminds me that there are wonderful things about my life, as well as this constant misery. I dont know why, but I have always been closer to my male friends and I am really missing Edouardo at the moment, he is exactly the person who has helped me deal with major upheavals in the past – usually by taking me out and getting blind drunk. Maybe that is all I need right now to stop feeling like this.
More and more, I really feel like I am out of sync with Mr K., he doesn’t seem to understand where I am at. And when I try to talk to him about it, he reacts by being angry, he seems to think I am blaming him for this situation. Which is just not true. I have been trying to let him know that I can’t keep doing this without his support. Back in Janurary, he told me (the day before an egg collection surgery) that he didn’t want us to do IVF anymore. He wants more children, but can’t hack the IVF thing any longer. So for the last six months, I have effectively been trying to do this on my own, and I’ve been aware that he’s not really supportive of it. I feel keenly that he hasn’t really shared in the disappointments with me, and he has distanced himself from the procedures and surgeries etc, and in doing so, he has effectively distanced himself from me.
I dont think he understands what is driving me to keep on trying, and I know he wants me to give up. I was managing okay even though I knew he wasn’t really with me, right up until I had this miscarriage. Now I feel like he doesn’t share my sense of loss, and is almost looking at me as though this situation is self inflicted in someway. We have been talking about it. A lot. But I just dont feel like I am being understood. This thing isn’t just one dimensional, I feel like I am facing so many different emotions. Lots of which don’t even make any sense, even to me.
I feel an intense strangling sort disappointment at losing the baby.
I feel saddened that my friends can’t talk to me about this.
I feel so very lonely, like no one else really cares.
I feel disillusioned that my husband doesn’t get it.
I feel like jumping in my car and driving as far away from my life as I can.
I feel hopelessness for the future, I don’t know if I can continue like this.
I feel like writing myself off and throwing away my responsibilites.
I feel like hacking all my hair off and changing everything.
I feel a wistful longing for the carefree single life.
I feel like being infertile makes me a failure as a woman.
I feel unattractive, useless and unwanted.