Trying to get it out of my head

04/02/00 TSI (-)ve
18/04/00 IUI (-)ve
09/05/00 IUI (-)ve
16/05/00 IUI (-)ve
04/06/00 IUI (-)ve
13/07/00 Laparoscopy
21/08/00 TVEPU – Egg Collection 15 eggs (14 fertilized)
23/08/00 Embryo Transfer 2 embryos (-)ve
08/09/00 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
01/11/00 FET 2 embryos (+)ve
25/06/01 LSCD – Live birth – Male 36.5 wks
04/10/02 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
04/11/02 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
09/12/02 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
13/01/03 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
06/03/03 TVEPU – Egg Collection 14 eggs (14 fertilized)
10/03/03 Embryo Transfer 1 blastocyst   (-)ve
02/05/03 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
12/12/03 Laparoscopy
12/01/04 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
03/03/04 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
28/01/05 TVEPU – Egg Collection 17 (8 fertilized)
31/01/05 Embryo Transfer 2 embryos (-)ve02/03/05 FET 2 embryos (-)ve
11/04/05 TVEPU – Egg Collection 20 (9 fertilized – ICSI)
16/04/05 Embryo Transfer 3 blastocysts (+)ve
31/05/05 Dilation and currettage for Missed Abortion

This is a list of the some of the procedures I have undergone in what has become an epic saga to try and have a family. These are the ones I can remember at any rate. The latest entry on this list is what has me trying to escape my own brain. I feel like I can’t live with my own thoughts anymore. I have been through enough for ten people, and wish I could have some sort of mental breakdown. But I dont know how to do that. I know other people who seem to fall apart at the drop of a hat, you know the type, boyfriend dumps them or they have some fight with their friends, and it is the end of the world. I have discovered I am just not like that. Recently I wish I could just crawl into bed and cause as much trouble as humanly possible, but I think it takes a certain type of extremly selfish individual to allow themselves to do that to the people around them. Anyway, I just can’t. I get up each day and put on the face people expect.

I can’t put into words the overwhelming disappointment that I feel from this miscarriage. It took so much heartache and tears to get pregnant in the first place, that I literally feel like my chest has been ripped open, and my head is going to explode. When I was trying to get pregnant initially, it wasn’t this hard, I guess I didn’t fully comprehend what I was trying to achieve. But now I have my son, Angel, in my life, and I know just how precious children really are – it has made continuing on IVF so much more difficult. Every negative feels like a huge weight crushing down on me, and I am fully cognisant of the little person/s that will never be. First time round I was just trying to get pregnant, now I am trying to have a little baby, and when it doesn’t work, it feels so much worse than failing to get pregnant.

But this last month I have discovered there is something worse than not being able to get pregnant. Getting pregnant and then losing the baby is devastating. We were all so excited to be pregnant, and my doctors all seem so sure that it would happen eventually that it didn’t occur to me that something would go wrong. So when I went for my scan to see how many of the embryos had developed, I was kinda hoping for news of twins or (god forbid) triplets. The last thing I expected was to be told that the embryo had failed to develop and that it was all over, and I was back to square one.

I have long wondered if I am being punished for being a terrible person whether that be now or in a past life or something. Somehow, I thought having to go through all this must be karma for something I’ve done. Maybe I am inherently not a very good person who doesn’t deserve to have a family. Or maybe I’m just not meant to breed due to some Darwinian imperative or something. Either way, it’s slowly killing me inside.

Tell me what you think