Twice this week I’ve gone out to get the Small Child from school only to be confronted by horrible car accidents.  Is it a full moon?  Has half of Brisbane gone off their meds?  Or is there some sort of comphrehensive and co-ordinated attack against car insurers going on and we didn’t get a copy of the memo?

Whatever it is I am so tired of driving along (hypervigilantly) minding my own business only to be confronted by mashed up cars.  Today wasn’t as bad as the incident on Monday but still… just going to get the Small Child from school shouldn’t be emotionally traumatizing.  I got to the top of the street to turn onto Belmont Rd and first thing I noticed was four tow truck drivers (fucking vultures) hanging around picking over the bones of a white Commodore station wagon that had somehow t-boned into a silver Rav4.  I tried to just ignore it, I deliberately tried not to look for the drivers to see if they were okay and I drove around it…..

… only to go around the corner onto Meadowlands Road and glance down onto the Gateway.  Indeed it was hard not to as there were more flashing lights down there than you could poke a stick at.  There were police and ambulance on the scene (which I had heard about an hour ago from our backyard where my cousin is doing the concrete) and they were attempting to sort out what looked like two semi-trailers and about four vehicles that had somehow come to grief.  I didn’t look too close.  I don’t want to know how it happened.  I don’t want to be confronted by accidents and cars smashed together EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE DAMN HOUSE! 

Maybe I shouldn’t be living in the city.  It’s just too bloddy stressful… and living within earshot of a highway is probably not helping at all.  Every time I hear the trucks going hard on their compression brakes, or the squeal of tyres or a car backfiring or the loud bang from a tyre blowing out… I cringe waiting to hear the sounds of crunching metal.  And then there’s the eventually wailing of the emergency services vehicles sirens. 

I’m finding myself being frightened / upset / alarmed / pissed off / scared / and basically assaulted by these horrible accidents and idiot traffice incidents almost every day…  and it feels like it’s getting worse not better.  🙁

I can’t believe I actually used to enjoy driving when now it’s become something that is so riddled with anxiety.  This afternoon I’ve driven to get the Small Child from school as per usual.  I was driving down Meadowlands Road and there was a motorcycle rider behind me…. too close behind me for my liking.

So I sped up a little and he kept coming, and I sped up a little more and he just kept tight on my tail.  As we got to the end of the road and was turning onto Creek Road, I could tell by the position of the traffic that the green light in front of me would soon be turning amber so I accelerated a little more and went around the corner – no problem.  I looked in my rear view mirror to see if the motorcyclist had followed me through the lights but he wasn’t behind me.  I looked over my right shoulder and he hadn’t stopped at the lights either.  I looked in my left hand mirror and then I saw him.  He had gone into the corner way too fast, lost control of his bike and slamming directly into the gutter.  As I was getting ready to pull over to check on him, I saw him dusting himself off and getting back on his bike and re-entering traffic.  So he seemed fine though no doubt was was probably a bit shaken by coming off his bike.

Watching that little episode play out infront of me… well technically – behind me… was a little disturbing and was just one more little reminder that you can’t trust what other people are doing on the road.  But then I turned left into Stanley Street and the traffic was all backed up and there were cars on the wrong side of the road and as we all crawled around the corner going very slow I saw the source of the problem – a child had been hit by a ute.  There were about 8 people standing around on mobile phones, someone in a construction workers reflective vest leaning over the child putting something under his head and placing a coat over him while they were obviously waiting for an ambulance… the incident had obviously only just happened moments before.

Which is where I lost it… within about 100m there was the inept motorcyclist careering into the footpath and now a pedestrian hit by a car and I started hyperventilating, clenching my teeth, rubbing my face and the tears started… I felt shocked and unreasonably frightened and I desperately wanted to get the fuck out of my car!   My initial instinct was to pull over, get out of and call Mr K because I felt like I just couldn’t drive and I really didn’t want to drive but I had to get the Small Child from school. 

I drove on slowly trying hard to compose myself and just knew that if I pulled over I’d be stuck there and wouldn’t be able to make myself get back in the car.  I crept along doing about 40 the remainder of the drive to school, waited in the queue trying to calm down.  I had an overwhelming urge to get out and felt like I was having to choke that feeling down and was covering my mouth because I felt like I was going to scream.  I collected my charge and drove home still crying and trying to ask him calm and banal questions about his day to distract myself (which I failed at miserably) and he got all worried about me.

When I got home I sat in the car in the garage for about ten minutes trying to regain composure because my cousin, Erick the Half a Bee also suffers PTSD relating to car accidents and I am sure he didn’t need me to come inside all upset and share my anxiety from these incidents with him too!  I’m exhausted and I totally don’t want to get in the car… ever…. again.

What to do… what to do???