Two minutes to midnight.

When I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my Lord my soul to keep
but if i die before I awake,
Well thank fuck for that cos I’ve had enough.

By the end of the day when I’m feeling exhausted having spent a lot of mental energy ignoring pain and even more mental energy trying not to complain about being in pain to the poor buggers who have to put up with me all day….. this is when I’m at my worse.  Fatigue makes it so much harder to deal with being in pain and by the time you’ve had a couple of consecutive nights of poor sleep… the added sleep deprivation makes it nigh on impossible to concentrate on anything BUT the fact that your body is telling you that you’re in pain.  It’s totally pervasive and absolutely debilitating and I can not describe how fucking over it I am.  I am literally running out of words to explain how shit I feel from morning to night, day after day and I am quite confident that no one wants to hear it anyway.

The only respite I seem to get from the constant pain is the two or three minutes when I first lay down in bed at night.  For an all too fleeting moment, my brain and my body seem to be kinda confused… I spend all day trying to keep moving… just kinda pottering about, sit for 20 mins, wander around the kitchen, tidy a few things away, fold half a load of laundry and just constantly moving and pottering about so I don’t exacerbate the pain by being too sedentary.  So when I lay down at night it feels like my body doesn’t seem to know how to react to being in a recumbent posture and for a brief couple of minutes the pain signals almost go away I have a welcome (but all too brief) feeling of relief.  But when those couple of minutes have passed my back seems to go… "Wait, wait. Hang on a minute. What have we got here?  We’re in a different position and just a minute… Yep, there it is – pain signal back ‘online’ for you there."

I wish I could just reboot my brain and sorta reinstall my nervous system so it would stop with this constant malfunctioning nerves bullshit….  I’ve a sneaking suspicion that I may have been designed by Microsoft.

It actually feels like that.  I might lay down with my neck and upper back being the area that seems to be passing on pain signals, but when i get into bed and lay down I get a fleeting couple of minutes of diminished pain and then suddenly it’ll ramp back up again but maybe in a different area, like in my lower back or something.  I honestly think the nerves somehow get confused from the different pressure/gravity on the body and then adjust themselves accordingly so they can resend pain down some other path.

Tell me what you think