I’m not sure why, but I seem to have been getting ever more twitchy with the OCD tendencies lately. I have a sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with a desire to exert control over my environment due to feelings of complete and total impotence in being able to affect other aspects of my life – like pervasive chronic back pain, reliance on other to help with what should be simple situations as well as the old infertility and IVF bullshit which tends to lurk in the back of my mind on a pretty regular basis. But seeing that acceptance and resignation aren’t really my style I find myself trying to fight the battles I can while studiously attempting to ignore all other issues that steadfastly refuse to submit.
So lately I’ve been feeling increasingly frustrated when the so called ‘controllable’ things aren’t what or where they’re supposed to be. Unfortunately it matters not a whit how insignificant these things actually are… because for reasons beyond my feeble comprehension these things tend to take on a life of their own… and those lives have a habit of appearing to be of far greater import than they deserve.
Were it but within my power to achieve, I think I’d live in a house with phenomenally practical storage, perfectly clean with nary a toy or item of clothing out of place. There would a fabulous filing system for the god awful plethora of paper that modern living creates. There would be clean windows, weeded gardens and paths, gutters… my dears… that don’t overflow due to ridiculous amounts of leaf litter. There would be walls covered with floor to ceiling bookcases where items were stowed chronologically by subject. There would be nothing stored below knee height to avoid having to strain one’s back by bending. There would also be curtains that got laundered, windows that got washed, garages and patios that got swept and I know not what else one might be able to achieve were I as fit as my Mom.
Instead I occasionally look back at something I have done and see my desire for order subconsciously channeled onto ridiculous little things…. at which point I frequently sigh at how absolutely anal retentive I have become. 😐
.